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 Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:52 pm
Note: I just wrote this out of the blue, and I only wrote it for fun (meaning I did not write it to publish). However, I wanted to post it just so some may read it, and hopefully get the main point. Comments/Suggestions are welcomed, but I don't take this poem seriously so... (though I would use them in future poems)
[Untitled Love]
Tucked away in the corner, ever so shy
Failing to approach, you wonder why
What ever could she hold, what is there to hide
What lay behind those crystal blue eyes?
Deep down her soul lay low and meek
The amount of happiness in her is weak
This is known by how she speaks
Grows now the desire for the answers you seek.
This child's past is grim and with fright
When needed the most, there was absence of light
Yet she never gave up, the kept up the fight
She would not die, and kept up her might
Now she is here, now she is free
The whole world is now what she can see
And for once in here life, she can have some glee
For the first time ever, she will choose who to be.
Soon on one very bless-ed day
All of her pain will drift away
So why don't you be a good soul today
And help her poor soul along the way.
Thanks for reading. ^__^ I did work on it, so please don't just say:
"It sux loser"
Tell me why at least in a nice way xD
But I hope if you did read it, you see the point behind it ^__^
(its not too hard to xD)
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Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 6:40 am
passives... passives!
ok, i like the overall theam of the poem, and i like the way you worded most of it. but the passives are killing it. you have three lines in particuler that are worded passively that sound like you did it purely to fit the meter. dont get me wrong, fitting your poem into meter is a good method, but it shouldnt ever sound like your trying to fit it into meter. the specific lines i'm refering to are "the amount of happiness in her is weak" "grows now the desire for the answeres you seek" and "when needed the most there was absences of light." these lines are awkwardly worded. the same thing could be said "her happiness is weak" "your desire grows for the answeres you seek" and "when needed the most, there was no light."
for other technical issues, the lind "the whole world is now what she can see" also seems like an awkward way to say it, but its not as glaring or badly worded as the others so i listed it seperatly. also, in the first stanza eyes doesnt quite rhyme with why and hide is the only line ending in the poem that doesnt come close to rhyming with the rest of the stanza. for the eye/ eyes line you may consider switching to "what lay behind her crystal blue eye" which would carry the same meaning, also the hide is still early enough that the rhyming paterin hasnt been established yet, so you can technicly get away with it.
aside from that i like it. i particulerly enjoyed the first stanza, (despite the rhyming dificulties) the second and third werent as good, but the ending was also very well writen. you have a good sense of image, you just need to make it easyer to read.
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 1:35 pm
^_^ thanks for the comments! I don't usually write poems like this, but if in the future I try again I'll keep your tips in mind!
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