Before, School, and After
From what I have been told, when I was a baby my father held me under hot water, and laughed, wouldn't let my mother out of his sight, by taking her, and I to work with him. I spent many days strapped in my car seat, and mother sitting in the front seat, of the car wile he worked. After a year my sister was born, and my mother left my father. She moved us to my grandmother's house a few states away from him.
When mother received a job, my Aunt would babysit us while she was at work. But my aunt, and cousin would take my sister out shoping with them, and leave me home, with my uncle who sat in a chair sleeping all day. I watched movies, played with a toy gun, and things my other cousen had around the house, and I took money from them. This went on for years.
I started kindergarden wile we lived with my grandmother, and after I entered the first grade, we moved to a new town, and I was put in readyness, and my sister was put in kindergarten. Than we bolth went to first grade the next year.
In the first grade, my little sister told everyone I lied, stole and cheated, (and for this I never had friends through out elementary, and high school). She would hit, kick, threaten me, or call me names to getting what she wanted that was mine. The other students called me names, and talked about me behind my back as if I were a lieing theaf. It didnent help much having a learning disability, and allways having a teacher aid helping me, or doing my homework for me. The same things happened all through High School (only my sister learned to use worce words), and in 2001 when a 19 year old boy moved into my town.I came in to school one morning to find a new student. After a week or so we started to become good friends. We spent alot of time together, at school and at each others house. A teacher that we bolth had told me she cold tell that we like each other enough to be more that friends. But I never got to tell him that I did love him. In August 2002 I was in math class and my friend was in gym class when his heart stoped. He was in the Hospitle for weeks befor he was sent to a rehab bilding (he couldent speack or move on his own).
I never got to go to collage when I grateduated, I had to watch my sister go as we did not have enough money for bolth of us to go. Than in September 2003 I got a pohne call from my old guidence councler, my friend had died the morning befor. Even now that he is gone I still love him. I also learnd a lesson "tell the person you love that you love them befor they die". As its my fault, when we went to see my friend at the rehab befor grad. I told him I would be there when he got better, but I left, and broke my promiss.
During that summer my sister held partys of drinking (I slepted most of the day, and night times). There was truth, or dare, and late nights. There were nights when she would come in after midnight, and sometimes with friends. This when on till she left for collage, till she came home on the weekand, (during this time she had moved one of her friends into the house) . After collage she came home, and things were bad, the hitting, kicking stoped, but she still threatened, and used bad words towards me. Her friend left, and a few boys came in, and out of the picture. Durning this time, I acdently walked in on my sister having sex with one of them.
Than this last boy came in (2006), and they lived in the house for a few months, befor moving out. My sister still lives with him, and they have a baby. The baby had toned my sister down alot. There is sometimes a nasty comment, or word, but she is not as bad as she used to be. However, befor they moved out, I walked in on her and her BF.... After hearing "dont hit me", and "o my eye", they were, as what I was told, having kinky sex.
Now, and then when a family member asks me what I want to do, I tell them, then they say "NO", and we do what they want to do. I get told I make stuff up, when I tell them I'm sick, our hurtting. They tell me I'm lieing when I'm not. My grandmother is the only one who gives me a hugs, unless I ask for one from another family member, but my mother never hugs me.
My mother has said a few words that are hurtfull to me, but are a joke to her. And sometimes my grandmother does too. My mother yells at me for doing the dishes wrong, washing laundry wrond, and vacuuming the house wrong. just about everything I do she yells at me for doing it wrong. My grandmother and I don't get along, she always is telling me to "shut up", and we always end up in a some kind fight. My Aunt has totaly disconected me from her part of the family, for a misunderstanding than happend wile I was babysitting her grandson, And now I'm alone most of the time.
Being Bad
There was one time I stole a blood mashine from my mother (she is diabetic), and there were a few times I took things from school. I also stole from my sister.
Than about five times on Aim I said I wanted to die, and I was going to kill myself to get attention. from three people I was friends with on a web site. The sixth time I was baned from the site, and lost the friendship. I moved to Gaia, and a few year later I roll played that I slached my gaian mommy, after I had told her I would never hurt myself again, and she stop talking to me.
Yes, I hurt myself. I sometimes dig my nails into my skin when angry, or upset. I never cry. I havent cried sence my friend died, and my mother told me to grow up.
Helth
My helth is not good, I have a leaky heart valve, and I see a doctor once every two months. She has put me on a low salt, and carb diet, as she would like me to lose weight in order to surive sugery. However everytime I try to eat right my mother tells me "she expects you to be bad", then I end up eatting badly. Another thing is my doctor would like me to excersise, But everytime I ask for a movie, or eqpment on, and for the subject, I get told no.
Another thing is, I have an 11cm cyst just off of my left overy, and it sometimes cause constipation, and alittle pain right befor that time of month.
Also once in a wile I get head achs that block my eye sight, and cace my to see only moving silver lines.
Job, Car, and Fears
I have no job. I'm afrade to get one, make a friend, and than they leave. Or I mess it up like everything else. Or my mother calls to see if I'm doing a good job, than takes it from me if I'm not, and does it herself.
I dont have a car. I don't have a licence either. My friend and I were in drivers ed together, and we were going to get our licens together, but he died, and I refuse to get it with out him. I also fear cars, I don't know why, but I do.
I also fear the dark, I remember when I was realy small, and we came home from somewhere, and there was a animal out in my grandmothers feild, It scaied mo so bad, I still need a night light to fall asleep at night., clowns, I saw steven kings movie "It" befor I was ready for it., dummys, I saw chukie movies, and the scaired me., dogs, I don't know why I fear dogs, I just do. T storms, I remember one summer my mother, and I were looking out the window, and lighting hit a power box, there was an ourange spark, and the power went out., fire, and national distaters, I see, and hear about them on the tv., being alone, I fear something bad will happen when I'm alone., people, people hut you., bugs, they can burrow under your skin, and change, it upsets me when something changes.
Other
I mostly spend my day on the computer, at a few different web sites. blot2.com, miniclip.com, and and gaia. Monday, Tuesday, Saturday, and Sonday from 10am-11pm, Wednesday 10am-12pm, and 3pm-11pm, Thirsday, and Friday 10am-11pm depending on weater I go shopping or not, than its 5-5:30pm-11pm. Wednesday I help do laundry. I also do the chores asked of me, when asked of me.
On bolt I post in bords, and my journal. I have friends, and I'm part of many clubs. On miniclip I play mostly Rune Scape, and Club penguin, but I like the other games too. On Gaia I post in roll plays, a few guilds, and play the few games. I chat in towns, and the pm system. I have 81 so friends, only 8 talk to me. kara_10, pora, Kerra Van Hellsing, Nightwish2008, Cowleanna, malarkeyX2, Dark Ducky, and jake neshino.
Also I sometimes chat on AIM, or YIM.
Reply
