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 Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:20 am
This is the place of laughter! rofl If you like to see new jokes or old jokes have a laugh. If you like to share post something to smile about! biggrin If you are easily affended by some jokes such as blonde jokes, hillbilly jokes, black jokes, white jokes, ext. proceed no further. This is open for all jokes even a few dirty ones. You have been worned now laugh on and don't spilt your sides. 4laugh heart blaugh
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:50 am
Subject: mammograms
Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing
the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and
best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your
home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the
floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a
friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment
with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:51 am
Craziness
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. Therefore, I hung upside down
from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde)
asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a
light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few
days off. A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are
clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the
blonde-haired person) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do
you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:57 am
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:59 am
a doctor was checking over an elderly woman's prescriptions
and as she was getting on in years, she had quite a few
he thought it was going to be quite routine...until he came across a bottle of birth control pills mixed among the bottles
"M-Ma'am? ...do you know what these are?" he asked politely, holding up the bottle
"Oh my yes." the elderly woman nodded with a smile after examining the bottle closely.
"Ma'am...you know these pill...you know at your age they wont do anything for you." the doctor replied slowly.
"Oh but they do, dearie. They help me sleep at night." the old woman replied.
"Ma'am I hate to sound rude, but there's no way possible that these pills could help anyone get to sl-" the doctor stopped short when the old woman smile and patted his hand
"Sonny, I grind one of these pills up and slip it into my 16 year old granddaughter's orange juice each morning." she replied, "Yes, yes they do."
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 2:16 am
Indian Custom
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, when all
of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he
listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!". He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that
was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into theopening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there
waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the
opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deepinside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at thesize of the huge opening, he was thinking, Oh man! Look at the size of
this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine woman in this cave! He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned
and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering
call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!". With a gleam in his eyesand a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothesas he ran. The following day, the headline of newspaper read.....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:00 pm
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to ******** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:04 pm
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:08 pm
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 10:17 pm
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart a**, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:54 pm
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are now packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you
are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell,
just can't stay on the church roof!"
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 10:49 pm
The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:57 pm
Angelzfury The blonde test taker A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers." Wow.........that was bad! Very bad! ^^
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Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:11 am
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
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Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:17 am
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
whee
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