THE 28 TYPES OF GAME MASTER
by Scott Butler and J.D. Frazer

1) Munchkin - "Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly,
without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half
grey elven/half gold dragon 50th-level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes
down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."

2) Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be
lower level) - "You are each granted one wish."
"I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna."
"I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless."
"I wish to have . . ."
"Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?"
(This actually happened, years ago, when we first started playing.)

3) Whining Munchkin - "But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only
dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!"

4) Killer Munchkin - "You guys are dead."

5) Killer - "As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon
you from behind it, killing you . . . nope, no `to hit' or saving throw
allowed, it says so right here."

6) Executioner - "A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the
two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his
back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a
hole through his head."

7) Troublemaker - singles out one player and continually hands
him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note."

cool Cheater - "I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time
you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it."

9) Die Modifier - "Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers, you know."

10) Enforcer - "A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner,
reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?"

11) Novice - "You rolled a 2 on your `to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?"

12) Verbose - "The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of
roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is
polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the
bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but
you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a
starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, it's
kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely
cast iron and you see . . ."
(sounds of snoring from party members)

13) Poker Face - "The slave you rescued courteously accepts your
offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her . . ."

14) No Poker Face - "The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously
accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your
trust in her, hah hah . . . boy are you gonna get it now . . . giggle"

15) Timid - "The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that's OK
with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only
2, so you'll be okay, OK?"

16) DePalma school of blood and gore - "Your magic drill cleaves the
demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone
with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as
you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a
blender
and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement . . ."

17) Gibson school of writing graduate - "The view in the crystal ball
was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel."

1 cool Vengeful - "You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the
were-rats attack Christine."

19) AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually
with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic
effort on your part."

20) Anti-AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their
great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm
helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a
lobster. You die an ignoble death."

21) Stickler For Detail - "Taking into account atmospheric
conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your
greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your
associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast . . . and the
average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm
day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall . . ."

22) No Originality - "It's a quest, see, you're trying to take this
ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest,
I thought of this campaign myself . . ."

23) Leading and Overbearing - "You pump the bartender for information
and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west."
"Too risky. We go to hear rumours somewhere else."
"A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him."
"We say `no, thank you' and leave for the next village."
"On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair . . ."

24) Schmuck - "Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you
have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then."

25) Ghoul - "That's the 17th character you rolled tonight?
Mouahahahahahahahahahah!"

26) Absolute Monarch - "The huge Red Dragon CAN fit through the
little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!"

27) Unimaginative - "You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries
all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate
tables."

2 cool Design Zealot - "I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3
more levels to populate."

"The Gamemaster's Hall of Shame"
copyright Peter Maranci 1995

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THE GAMEMASTER'S HALL OF SHAME:
MONTY HAUL'S TOP TEN COUSINS
10) Minnie Haul (Also known as That Cheap b*****d)
Quote: "Okay. After twenty-seven sessions you have finally slain the Three Giant Dragons of Chaos. In the treasure vault you find--12 copper pieces and a rusty fork. Who gets the fork?"
Good Points: You'll never be over-encumbered.
Bad Points: Majority of characters killed by starvation, plus risk of lockjaw from rusty fork.


9) Mr. Softee (Also known as Pathetic Guy & The Amazing Mushman)
Quote: "You're down 3 hit points? Uh...suddenly the troll falls over and spontaneously combusts! Magically, the smoke heals you."
Good Points: Characters never die. Ever. No matter what.
Bad Points: Who cares?


cool Anger Man (Also known as The Master & It Wasn't Me)
Quote: "What? You don't bow to the King? Your limbs fall off."
Good Points: Order and discipline.
Bad Points: Discipline und Order!


7) Das KillMeister (Also known as Dr. Death & Why Do I Keep Playing?)
Quote: "Better roll up six characters each. That should last the first session. Maybe. [chortle]."
Good Points: The thrill of danger,
Bad Points: The boredom of constant defeat.


6) The Sexist Pig (Also known as The Sleazeball & L'il Friskies)
Quote: "They rape you and you love it, like all women. Ha ha ha! Now you're pregnant!"
Good Points: Not boring.
Bad Points: Extremely irritating. Will emotionally scar any player under the age of sixteen. Knows no shame. Will probably serve in the Senate.


5) Das PunMeister (Also known as Stop & Please, I Beg of You, Kill Him)
Quote: "A killer Tree-man! Woodn't you know. I'd leaf him alone. Bet his bark is worse than his bite!"
Good Points: A wacky, funny, laugh-a-minute guy.
Bad Points: Will not stop.


4) Monotone Man (Also known as ZZZZzzzzzzzz....)
Quote: "Hi. I'm the King." " Hi. I'm the peasant." " Hi. I'm the wizard." " Hi. I'm the knight." " Hi. I'm the Dragon."
Good Points: Will never cancel due to laryngitis.
Bad Points: Save vs. Paralyzation or die.


3) The Drunk (Also known as What's That Smell? & Not Again!)
Quote: "H'lo. BLEUUEUERGGHH!!! G'bye..."
Good Points: Vivid descriptions of strange, bizarre creatures.
Bad Points: Rarely coherent. Will probably die soon.


2) The Insane Plotter (Also known as Machiavelli & Mr. Myxylplyxx)
Quote: "But the twelfth arbitrary conundrum signifies nascent ursinoids rising. Any idiot can see that!"
Good Points: Dazzling, intricate plots, sub-plots, and sub-sub-plots.
Bad Points: Makes you feel really stupid.


AND THE NUMBER ONE MONTY HAUL COUSIN OF THE MONTH IS:
1) The Great Actor
Quote: "Alas, poor Baldrick; I knew him well. 'Twas but the bare bodkin of our discontent that ravelled his sleeve of care! And now all is lost, forever lost!" (sobs loudly)
Player: "Uhhhhh...does that mean I can order a drink now, Mr. Innkeeper?"

Good Points: Deep drama, and colorful NPCs.
Bad Points: You may die of embarrassment -- and when he's on a roll, you'll wish that you could.