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 Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 10:22 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 3:04 am
Haha I can see how you'd get little replies with a topic like yours. The general literacy level of the poems around don't equip us for heavy history amidst the romance vs. angst wars elsewhere on the forum. Anyway, a rule of thumb is that one ought to stick to what he knows- such as leaving history to those from the past. But don't let me discourage you yet becase:
1) You have a great ear for rhythm, whether you realize it or not. Some odd lines exist, but even those could be read rhythmically with the reader's discretion applied. It reminded me of reading Alice as a kid.
2) This reads, again, like a great kid's book. Illustrate this, and you have a nice chunk started of your picture book on the evils of war.
So as long as you weren't intending anything other than a little tale of adventure, this does stand. mrgreen
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:34 am
Thanks. I'd never thought of this as a possible children's book before, or even a book at all. Really made me see it differently.
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:27 am
i liked the first opening stanzas, but then it became a little repetitive with the men of the 91st infantry which is a long phrase................
hmmmmm.....could use a few new imagery, but overall good work................
we need more war poems ^^
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:56 pm
This is nice. I'm horrible at writing poems that tell stories, especially stories of history, things I didn't make up. You have captured aomething real with rhyme and beat, something not many people can do. That's great. Keep up the good work. The fourth line in the second stanza threw me off a little. I could see you were trying to keep your lines even, but the one line is read as two lines anyway. Don't worry about it. You could keep it the way it is, there's nothing really wrong with it that way, or you could make it two seperate lines. I'm just telling you, I had to read it twice when it was just one line to get myself back into the correct rythm after that line.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:46 pm
Wait...is this a song or a poem? It seems good for either. Me likes it... mrgreen
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