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EMMELINE COOK, BOSTON - In an interview with the Boston Times, Cardinal Michael John Jenner was purported to have said, “In these uncertain times, I pray that God guides as all into an era of continued peace and prosperity.” A very probable sentiment from the person who heads the organization that is using genetically enhanced soldiers to do their bidding. That’s right, folks, you heard it from the Boston Weekly first. It’s been three years since Cardinal Jenner replaced Cardinal Hadley, and everyone should be wary of the tightening chokehold of the Church since Hadley’s mysterious “natural death” of supposed “old age.”

Hadley has been sorely missed, especially his policies of tolerance and his “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality. Orphans loved him for a reason; the same can’t be said for Jenner and his army of genetically altered hybrids! When asked if he had any plans to make the Americas safer, he replied that he would “do everything in [his] power to strengthen the Church [by means of his army] for the well-being of humankind.” The Boston Weekly dares to ask: “But what about the rest of the population?” Jenner’s policy about that is quite clear... or so he wants us to believe.

In an 2289 April interview, he urged witches and demons to come forward, saying that the Church would “forgive” and “purify” them. In his words, “God will look kindly upon those who repent.” Early this year, he also said that the Church takes a stand of nonviolence: a likely story! We don’t yet know the details of what Jenner’s up to, but we intend to find out for the sake of the people. As our motto goes: “You can’t silence the press!”

HADI KHANDIL, BOSTON – Church oficials are in an uproar today over the deadly fire that occurred yesterday afternoon at the St. Nicholas Monastery on the outskirts of New B ston, burning the stone structure to the ground in what one villager observed to be mere minutes. All of the monks and priests within the biuldings, nearly three hundred all told, were killed in the blaze, marking it as the most dead ly fire Boston has seen in almost a century. Strangely, the orphaned witch-children whom the monks had been caring for remained un-harmed, their small wing of the monastary the only area to escape the flames.

Church officials declined interview, but when asked about this peculiarity, one did resp nd, saying, “None of the children here have been id entified as having the powers of the devil which their parents weilded. Obviously it was an accident, and no action shall be taken against these poor kids.” He added that they would likely m ve the orphans to a pair of smaller St. Nicholas monasteries near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and Port Ivory, Virginia.

The cause of the fire has ye t to be discovered, though we here at the Boston Weekly find its behavior patterns unusually odd. As a citizen in one of the nearby villages explained, “It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen. The fire didn’t seem normal at first – it was almost black in color, and the way it jumped from building t building… well, it wasn’t that windy that morning, so it made that fire look almost alive.”

When asked if the flames rem ained that color as they destroyed the bilding, he responded, “No – once they caught hold of the place, they went back to their normal color.” He frowned, as if afraid to admit The Truth, and added, “It might have been my imagination, after all.”

Yes; that is what a trained member of the Church’s masses would say, and that’s how the Times has written this tragic tale, too. We at the Weekly know better, though. Clearly this was the work of some force other then a careless serving girl forgetting to douse the ashes in the c oking fire. Clearly that fire was meant to be started. By who? No leads have been found yet, and I venture to guess that no leads ever will be f ound. Clearly this situation will be elaborately cobered up by the Church, to keep us all from knowing The Truth:

That the St. Nicholas monastery was housing the child-forms of space aliens, who the Church had intended to keep from the public and use for their own perposes… but one of the aliens ran amuck, and destr yed its captors in one fel swoop! It must have left the children alive out of pity for us, the inferior race, be fore calling down its spaceship and flying off into the night sky, never to be seen again.

Though no details about this theory have been discovered, we here at the Weekly will keep you updated if any exciting new facts are unearthed. The Truth cannot be kept buried forever!

EMMELINE COOK, BOSTON – She's been called a healer, a wise-woman, and a living saint. The Mother Superior is truly beloved by all, the strong and the wealthy, but especially the poor and the downtrodden. Of course, we at the Weekly wouldn't know muchabout that first group of people, considering that many of the Americas' most rich and powerful citizens (like Cardinal Jenner) are too afraid to give us interviews. They know that they can't hide The Truth from intrepid reporters! The Mother Superior, on the other hand, graciously decided to give me, Emmeline Cook, an interview. This will be the second in a series of interviews conducted by the stupendous brother-sister reporting team that includes yours truly and the magnificent Oliver Cook, who wrote the first in ourseries (see last month's Special article, Outcast Queendom, kept on record and still available by request).

As I bravely entered the Mother Superio r's offices, she kindly offered me a seat. I thought she would be intimidating, such a mighty figure of the Church, but she reminded me of my grandmother (without the ever-present smell of banana nut bread, of cour se). She graciously answered all of my questions, and her Boston office is as inviting as she is, with lots of large, squashy chairs close to the windows. The nearby nunnery where she lives with other members of the Order of Mary has the same warm, well-lit feel as everything else, much nicer than dreary seminary housing for the Order of Saint peter (which, I might add, I was not allowed into because of blatant sexism). She offered me a steaming cup of peppermint tea and a plate of cinnamon cookies, wanting to make sure I felt at home before she even let me get to work. At ease, I began with some simple questions.

COOK: Why did you decide to join the Order?

MS: My life was a series of occurrences that, I believe, all guided me towards my eventual decision to become a member of the Order of St. Mary. First there was the awakening of my Holy Power, which encouraged me to study medicine. I truly felt that I would change the world with my new abilities. Unfortunately, as I continued my training in medical school, I began to realize just how little I could actually do in my current position. Despite the advance ments that our society has made over the past hundred years, it's very difficult to be a woman in medical school. Even when you are finally accepted among the ranks, positions of power are almost impossible to obtain. By the time I turned twenty-six, I knew that I wanted to open a hospital run entirely on charity, where the poOr could go to obtain free services. As a mere doctor, and a female one at that, I realized that such a goal would be impossible for me to achieve. So, I prayed to God for guidance, and He sent me His answer: join the Order of St. Mary, and obtain your goals through there. (Laughs) Of course, it took another ten years after that for me even set the foundations for Holy Cross Hospital. Proof that the Lord sometimes works in very slow as well as mysterious ways, I suppose.

COOK: What events and choices led you to become the Mother Superior?

MS: (Laughs) Well, it really isn't something that you decide for yourself. I worked hard to achieve my promises to the people of Boston, first with Holy Cross Hospital and then with a variety of other projects that I undertook. I suppose my esteemed superiors took notice of that. I rose gradually in the ranks, and then twelve years ago, when Mother Winnifred passed away - may she rest in peace - the other members of the Order named me the new Mother Superior. Not that I'm unhappy with the choice, of course, though I do hope that I can continue to live up to my sisters' expectations, as well as the expectations of the citizens of Boston.

COOK: How do you respond to claims that you're a living saint?

As grateful as I am to have earned my people's praises... to tell you the truth, I get embarrassed every time I hear it. I haven't done anything that anyone else in my position and with my abilities wouldn't have done, I assure you. I've just been a little luckier in getting my goals accomplished, is all.

COOK: What kind of people does your hospital accept, exactly?

MS: Holy Cross hospital's policy is to accept anyone in need who cannot receive help elsewhere. As long as you do not mean harm to anyone in our building, then we have no reason to turn you away. The doors of Heaven are open to anyone. We feel that hospitals should follow the same rules.

COOK: How do you feel about Cardinal Jenner's replacement of Cardinal Hadley?

MS: [Cardinal] Robert [Hadley] was a dear friend of mine, and I was quite sad to see him pass away. He did many great things, both for this community and the surrounding cities and villages, and I know that his kind presence will be deeply missed. I hope and trust that Cardinal Jenner will be able to step into his predecessor's shoes and continue Robert's policies of charity and goodwill to the people of Boston, allowing our city to flourish andits people to remain safe and secure for many years to come.

COOK: What's your stance on human rights, the freedom of the press, and the treatment of orphaned witch-children?

MS: My, so many questions at once! Well, let's see... in answer to your first question, there is no one undeserving of equal rights and fair treatment. As far as I am concerned, even demons are subject to the same laws as mankind, and must be given the same chance to redeem themselves and be accepted into God's kingdom. That is the Church's official stance, and one which I agree to wholeheartedly. However, I feel that not all of our people follow that policy as they should, and, when leaders do not adhere to the vows they once took, then it is the job of the press to make that information known to the public. So, in answer to your second question, dear, I wholeheartedly support your freedom to print the stories you feel people should know about, as long as your information is true. Finally, to answer your third question, I'm afraid I'll have to repeat myself: there is no one undeserving of equal rights and fair treatment. Orphaned witch-children must be given the same chance to succeed in our society as anyone else. We must never turn anyone away for the sins of their parents.

COOK: Thank you for agreeing to talk to us, Mother. Is there anything else you would like to tell the people about The Truth of things?

MS: (Laughs) Oh, but y ou and your colleagues at the Boston Weekly are so much better at revealing The Truth than I could ever be, so I feel I really should leave that sort of work to you, dear.

And so she should, but we at the Weekly thank the Mother Superior for her time, and promise to keep pursuing The Truth!

ANNIE GOLDBERG, NEW BOSTON – A deadly fire decimated the St. Nicholas Seminary last night, killing dozens.

The fire occurred late yesterday evening after the residents had gone to sleep. Officials say it began on the outside of the building before eating its way inward, affectively cutting off both the pri ests and the dedicates from all escape routes. No survivors have been reported.

“I've never fought anything like ti,” said Tyler Brown, a member of the Boston Fire Department who worked to quench the flames. “We tried to douse the fire ourselves, but nothing seemed to be working. Then all of a s dden it just died down on its own. We hardly had to do anything.

“But the part that really got me,” he added, “was that the fire never moved to any of the other buildings. And there was a strong wind last night.”

The cause of the fire has yet to be determined, but both church and military officials say they do not suspect foul play. “There was probably a problem with the electrical wiring,” said Church spokesman Thomas Free man. “That's usually how these things happen.”

Still, we here at the Weekly have noted stunning similarities between this fire and the one that occurred a year ago at the St. Nicholas Monastery located some five kilometers west of New Boston. Could the two fires be connected? Could there be a malevolent force at work against the Church? Or perhaps my colleague Hadi Khandil is correct, and this is the work of a vengeance-seeking, formerly-imprisoned space alien? Whatever the case, it is clear that the Church has not made friends with e eryone, despite their claims of spreading peace and goodwill throughout the nation. The next move belongs to them. Will they heed this extra-terrestrial's warnings, or continue to deny The Truth? Only time will tell.





HADI KHANDIL, NEW BOSTON – It took two more deadly fires to do it, but the Church has finally opened its eyes to The Truth that this reporter noted an entire year ago: Alien Forces are at work to destroy the St. Nicholas branch.

While the Church will not admit to the extra-terrestrial nature of this threat, they have at least relaesed a statement declaring the string of fires “not an accident,” but instead an attack “orchestrated by a terrorist organization within New Boston that seeks to h rm our way of life.”

If by “our” they mean “the Chu rch,” then this is very true. However, the attackers (or single alien attacker, as this reporter suspects) who began these fires does not seem interested in strking fear into all hearts, but instead just into the hearts of the St. Nicholas officials. The fires which gutted the north and south cloisters killed every priest in attendance but left the orphaned children unharmed, their ro ms void of even scorch marks.

“The buildings are being targeted, and I'd be willing to bet they're using Craft to do it,” said a Military Official, speaking under condition of anonymity. “It's pretty obvious that someone has a vendeta against the St. Nicholas order. Its a strange thing to see, considering the Order is supposed to do nothing but raise and rehabilitate orphaned witch-children. We're trying to launch an investigation into the order's methods, but Cardinal Jenner is blocking any attempts to explore the remaining St. Nicholas buildings because of what he calls security concerns.”

This is obviously a front, as Jenner is too afraid of public backla sh to admit to the secret experiments that have been going on in the basements of these buildings. But the Church's alien opponent will n t rest until his robed enemies have been brought to his bloody version of justice. If Jenner does not start worrying about its safety instead of its dark secrets, then this reporter doubts there will even be a St. Nicholas order to hide by the end of the year.