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 Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:17 pm
Ok, try to keep it at least some what clean.. >.>
I decided to start this thread because I ran across a couple funny (if cheesey) pagan jokes... and thought I might share.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:20 pm
Q: What was the witches best subject in school?
A: Spelling!
rofl
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:21 pm
A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.
"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.
"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.
Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:22 pm
WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN:
* MM = Merry Meet
* Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
* Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related
* Associations with the colors: Red = South, Green = West, Dark Brown = North, Yellow = East ,Orange = For the Solar God, Light Brown = For the Earth Mother
* Rotate the M & M: M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are often 13 members in a coven; 3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon; W = Witchcraft, Wiccan; E = Enlightenment
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:23 pm
Bill Gates Book on Wicca
1. The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
2. Iconology would be a major chapter.
3. A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.
4. Your broom would crash at least once a week.
5. Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
6. A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.
7. A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.
8. Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.
9. If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.
10. At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.
11. You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (And cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.)
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:24 pm
The Top 10 Ways To Annoy A Pagan
Author Unknown
10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?
9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?
8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.
7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?
6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?
5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!
4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?
3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?
2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you... And (drum roll, please):
1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initated at a higher level than you. I was initated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:26 pm
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!
What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:36 pm
What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
Self-Cleaning Coven
Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't say. It's oathbound
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."
Q: What is a witch's favorite snack?
A: PAN pizza
Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"
(I know I said to keep it clean... but this one made me laugh too hard to be left out... )
Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
- A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
Practice safe hex
Ankh if you love Isis!!
Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:42 pm
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "
"I have the body of a god: Buddha"
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:43 pm
A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle.
She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns, Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:46 pm
A Short guide to comparative Religions
ATHEISM: No s**t
BUDDHISM: "If s**t happens, it really isn't s**t."
CALVINISM: s**t happens because you don't work hard enough.
CATHOLICISM: s**t happens because you are BAD.
CEREMONIAL MAGIC: I Can make s**t Happen.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: s**t is only in your mind.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say: "s**t happens."
EXISTENSIALISM: What is this s**t anyway?
FUNDAMENTALISM: BIG s**t will happen... SOON!
HARE KRISHNA: s**t happens Rama Rama.
HEDONISM: There's nothing like good s**t happening.
HINDUISM: This s**t happened before.
ISLAM: "If s**t happens, it is the will of Allah."
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Let us save you from the s**t.
JUDAISM: Why does s**t always happen to US?
MOONIES: Only happy s**t really happens.
MORMONISM: If s**t happens, you have two wives to blame it on.
NEW AGE: Visualize no s**t happening.
PAGANISM: s**t is a part of the Goddess too!
PROTESTANTISM: s**t won't happen if I work harder.
QUAKERS: "No s**t here, please."
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke some s**t.
SCIENTOLOGY: Feces Occurs.
STOICISM: s**t is good for me.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS: No s**t on Saturdays.
TAOISM: s**t happens.
TELEVANGELISM: Send money or s**t will happen to you!
WICCANISM: "Oh s**t, I got that spell wrong again."
ZEN: What is the sound of s**t happening?
ZOROASTRIANISM: s**t happens half the time.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:47 pm
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.000000000000000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun in shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....
Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:56 pm
Ok, I'm done for today LOL.
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:47 am
Hahaha, all of those had me laughing out loud!! I'll try to come up with some, but I think you covered them all rofl
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 3:32 pm
^_^ Thanks, they amuse me too...
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