Welcome to Gaia! ::

Feel free to read and comment. Your comments and advice are appreciated.

Introduction-
My is Raven. I was diagnosed last year with bipolar II and Borderline personality disorder. I live in Florida with my best friend, her mom, and my fiance. But right now I'm staying in a horrible tiny town in missoui with my mother. About a month ago I was put in an inpatient facility for injuring myself. For a couple of weeks after that my fiance was staying with his mother because she was sick. During this time I let my paranoia get the best of me. Making problems worse, my abusive exboyfriend showed up out of no where to torment me (because he wants me back) and cause problems. This ended in a huge fight between my fiance and I. After I freaked out and tried (though did not succeed) to injure myself again he suggest rather sternly that I go stay with my mother, away from the normal stresses, until I was feeling better. I'm miserable here and feel terribly alone. There is no one here that I know and it's so different from my home town. I lived in a fairly big city, Pensacola, and this is a tiny redneck town. I've had to get a job up here because I have court fines to pay back in Florida. I had a job interview today and they called me back for oriantation tomorrow. That makes me feel a little better because it will get me out of the house and around people. But more than anything I just want to go home. My fiance made me promise to stay at least a month and to work on my disorders but I'm not sure if I can stand being here that long, away from him and everything I care about. He promised he'd be waiting for me when I got back but I'm still paranoid about everything and afraid he'll just forget about me because I'm crazy and not worth the effort. I feel inadiquate a lot, like I dont deserve him because I put him through so much. I guess I joined this group and started this journal so that I could start making an effort to take control of my problems, but I dont know how much it will work.

I trained at my new job yesterday. At least it will be easy. It's not what I'm used to though. Back home in Florida I was always a waitress. At least, until my depression started getting in the way of my work. This job is for a "marketing research company". It means I get to call people and ask them to take a survey about a company they use and then get cussed out like I was a telemarketer. Oh well, money is money and I get to set my own hours. The sooner I get all my court fines paid off back in Florida, the sooner I can go home. I didn't talk to Frank last night either because I was at work, but my mom said he didn't call. I wont get to talk to him tonight either, but just knowing that he called to try to talk to me would make me feel so much better. I've learned not to expect too much though, it only disappoints me in the end. At this point I'm trying to accept the idea that things between me and him may, or may not, work out. Despite all his promises that he'd be waiting for me when I get better, I'm not ruling out the possibility that its over. That way I'm at least a little ready when the time comes. My mother is increasingly worried about me because I've been keeping to myself. There are other teenagers or young adults in the neighborhood but I've made no attempt to meet them. I stay in the back bedroom on the computer or reading a book. It's strange to me to be here with my mother. She abandoned me when I was very young and was only around me on and off throughout my life. But now that I'm all grown up she wants to play mommy. I dont like it, but there isnt anything I can do. I've seen her more since I hit 18 (I'm 19 now) than I ever had in the rest of my life. I'm not a child anymore, and the work is finished. Now she feels she can be my mother, since there isn't anything left to do. I hate how she treats me like a kid.

I cried last night for the first time since I've been here in Missouri. I tried to call Frank and he wouldnt answer. I left messages and was never called back. I just broke down. I couldnt handle it. I felt stupid afterwards, maybe there was a logical explaination, but I couldnt find it.


EDIT- He and I are over, quite seriously. So many things have happened but I'm trying very hard to move on and seeing my therapist 2-3 times weekly.