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| wath do you think of my work? |
| Great |
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75% |
[ 3 ] |
| I don give a s**t about it |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| People like you make writting a s**t. |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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 Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 11:12 am
-------------------- gonk Sadness Carnival gonk --------------------------
Come forth wanderer, for shall here you shall you contemplate my work. But not all , becouse I reserve the best for me, and some other is in spanish. Hope you like it, and comment it.
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 11:16 am
This what i wrotte along other 2 poems, while I marveled at the moon, covered in the veil of darkness at my garden( I also wanted to pee, couse of the cold, wich i eventually did in a bush sweatdrop )
My heart
I open my chest
And see my heart again
It keeps black
Since the day you went back.
Better this way
Than being foolishly red
Since my heart has always being black
And shall always remain that.
I broke the shell
My red heart held
Im born again
Whithin my black heart.
No more days
All is past
My red heart now
Has faded to black.
I close my chest
And go away
to the loneliness
I await.
Buen provecho
COMENTS scream
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 3:57 pm
It seems to have a rather deep meaning that is expressed well. You just need to work a bit more on the form of the poem, other then that it was quite an interesting read.
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 4:39 pm
Thaks for the comment, though I do not understand what you mena with the poems form.
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 5:08 pm
This is a fragmented version of the second poem, third i wont realese.
My mind
I dont like the darkness
Cause it freedoms
all my nightmares.
When lights go off
And when the moon shines
It is then
When my demons arise.
Closing my eyes
and praying for good
None of these
Make them cease.
So I didnt slept
Nor opened my eyes
For thats what
for what they await.
To succumb to the fear
To fell in to the pit
Of a never ending darkness
Where they reign supreme
But now I know what I must
I must open my eyes
I must close the door
So that I my mind
may never leave me alone.
Comments scream
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 8:14 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 8:17 pm
Ill be working on another short story after about a drawing i made.
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 11:48 am
My cage
I feel the iron bars
Surrounding my life
People outside
Observing the inside.
Kids mockery
Adults astonishment
Everybodys incomprehension
Make up the prison.
They try to understand
Whats on my mind
But in their hearts doesnt fit
So they throw me to the pit.
They go on other attractions
So near to mines
Laughters and noises
Echoes in my mind.
I try to drive them away
Do that they leave me alone
But they wont go
For thats what theyre for.
But why they stay?
If for what I pray
Is that they leave me alone
In my dark throne.
But what they dont know
What they ignore
Is that Im not in the cage
For they are in theirs.
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 7:08 pm
Please coment my work gonk
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 9:12 am
Your work's not bad, but it would be much better if you worked on spelling/grammar a little. If you have problems with that sort of thing I know someone would help you. I can, but I'll be gone friday for like two weeks. After that though we could talk. If you pm me while I'm gone or before I go I'll talk with you about it more when I get back.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 9:18 am
Just thought I'd mention. You said you speak spanish as well as english. I speak english and arabic and let me tell you, I am not that great a writer in arabic. I can write poetry a little but man... anything else and my grammar and spelling is stinking horrible. I don't know if english is a second language for you or spanish or if you just know both but if it's not your first language then you are awesome. heart whee heart
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:06 pm
Well, english is my second language. Even thoughthaks fot the advice, ad least 1 commented my work crying
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