Welcome to Gaia! ::

I had to write this for english for a suspence thing...i thought this was cool, hope you like it its called TAP



Tap…There was something hitting the wall, what is it? Tap…There it is again? What could it be? Tap…Samantha awoke from her deep slumber. She opens her eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness from her room. Tap. She tried to look around the room. Tap. Her fish was floating in a mix of clean and sludgy water, trying to sleep before the sun hit its tank. Tap. The moon light shone through the open window, a light breeze blew through, giving shivers up Samantha’s back. Tap. Something caught her eye. Tap. The door was cracked open and light crept in, leaving the room an eerie look. Tap. What is that? She thought. She slowly crawled out of bed. She lightly stepped to the door, and slowly opened the door. Silence. The tapping had stopped. Samantha looked out to the bright hallway. Silence. Robert must have forgotten to turn the lights off… Samantha thought to her self, try to keep her heart from pounding out of her chest. Tap. It was back. Samantha shot behind her. The TV is on. She told herself as she continued down the hallway. Tap. Every step felt like a jump from one building to the next. Each closer to what felt like death. Tap. I’m over reacting, damn that stupid scary movie last night! Samantha continued to think to herself. Tap. She was at the end of the hallway. There was nothing in the living room. Tap. The lights were off and the TV was dark. …Roberts radio was left on…ya that’s it. Samantha sighed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. She looked out the large picture window in the kitchen. The moon and street lights gave everything an eerie look to it. The snow that hadn’t left from the winter shone blood red. The sky was cloudy and the wind blew with a vengeance. It was probably a tree… Samantha continued to think. She started back to her room. TAP! It was louder then before…like it was closer. Where is it coming from! She thought. Samantha started back down the hall. She looked at the end where Robert’s room was. The light was on. Tap! She slowly crept down the hall. Tap! Every step the noise grew louder. Tap! Her breath grew shorter with each step. Tap! Her mouth grew dryer. Tap! She could smell sweat now. Tap! Samantha was at her roommate’s door now. TAP! She reached for the handle. TAP! She turned it. Tap! The door pushed open to the glow of his 60 watt light bulb. TAP! She peeked into his room, expecting to see Robert asleep in his queen bed. He wasn’t there. She walked up to his bed, it smelled of sweat and another odor that consumed her mind. Blood? She stepped back and bumped into something. Tap! She slowly turned around. It’s a chair…it’s a chair…Oh God, let it be a chair! Samantha thought. She closed her eyes before she turned all the way around. The sent of blood and sweat was overwhelming. Tap! She slowly opened her eyes. She screeched and turned white. Roberts cold, bloody, body hung from the ceiling by what looked like a skipping rope. Tap! The sound was his body hit the wall. Who…what…how…Oh God! Samantha covered her mouth, trying to hold in her screams of terror. She started for the kitchen. The phone…where’s the phone! She flipped on the lights in the kitchen. She saw the phone hanging from the wall. Help…help… HELP! She tried to keep calm. She reached for the phone and dialed the magic numbers 911. She pushed the phone to her ear…the line was dead. Tap! “Why won’t the stupid tapping stop?” She screamed out loud. She suddenly felt cloth over her mouth and nose. What’s happening? What’s this smell! She thought. “That smell is Chlorine…have a nice nap girly…” a strange voice said, like he knew what she was thinking. She tried to struggle but it was no use. She fell to the floor…the last thing she heard was that god damn Tap!

It's great, but needs a few paragraphs. The one long running paragraph is good for a rushed effect, but every once in a while, give it a break, to let the reader have that split-second restart. Makes for a better, more efficient read.

Also, anything like... creaks that she might have heard from the floor boards, to make her a little more paranoid. Drag out the first half... I like how the tapping noise got closer together near the end, gives an anxious/panic feel. There's a few minor... grammar issues, nothing major, though. "dark. …Roberts " a couple problems there, you don't put elipsis after a period. You could say either "dark.... Robert's" or "dark... Robert's", with the four dots or the three. The difference is, the four dots give the last sentence closure, like a period at the end of the elipsis, and the three just give the break. The other thing is just watching out for apostrophes and remembering not to put chat speak into your writing, like "ya" versus "yeah".

Hmm. I don't really have time to really go over it, but in the preview window here, I just spotted something that really put me off whilst reading. "Damn that scary movie last night." It's a little... complicated. You could just say "damn that movie". Or "damn that movie from last night..." and then perhaps say that it's Robert's "damn" fault for forcing her to watch it.

Then at the end when you put the whole kidnapping bit... a little more shock, a little more detail. It seemed very flat and shallow, and I didn't feel the panic that I felt throughout the rest of the excerpt.

It's good, though, you should really continue it blaugh even after I've ripped it up a bit.

xD for this year or last year? Because Emamaulee would have LOVED it.

ROFL yeah xD