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Rainy Zero

PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:30 pm


"Past"

The warmth of her body
We stand under the stars
Just staring at the lights in the sky
She wraps my arms around her
To keep her warm on this cold night
Together we watch the time fly
We sit down on the grass
She makes my arms cuddle her
Like I would put up any fight
I'll never forget that night
Or our secrets in the backseat
On the way home
Because without her here any more
I feel her cold
And I feel
Alone.

Does anyone like it? It is personally my favorite memory.


PS- I did three more critiques of others poetry.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:48 pm


This poem is nice because it was written to remember something good. When I write poetic memories, it's always just my thought pouring out about something horrible and that's the way the poem turns out, horrible. But, when you write about something you loved, it turns out just that, lovely. Very good. It could use a bit more structure, but, I loved it.

Merenwen99
Crew


Rainy Zero

PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 3:40 am


Merenwen99
This poem is nice because it was written to remember something good. When I write poetic memories, it's always just my thought pouring out about something horrible and that's the way the poem turns out, horrible. But, when you write about something you loved, it turns out just that, lovely. Very good. It could use a bit more structure, but, I loved it.

Thank you very much. Yeah, this memory was of a relationship I had that wasn't just your average day high school relationship. It was true love. I was very upset when it ended, especially since she broke it off on our anniversery(sp). sad
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:54 am


I liked it. It created a good image, and it's cool that you wrote about something that actually happened, because a lot of people can't do that, and would have to make something up instead, to have it sound cool enough. I liked this line especially, because it gives a very good idea of what it was like:
She makes my arms cuddle her
Like I would put up any fight

I also liked the ending, the way it ended with a couple simple words that mean a lot.

Grita


Light Nephilim

PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:43 pm


I liked the poem. The scene is nice. But I think its in an awkward order. I'm no expert on poetry, nor have I ever written a poem outside of kindergarten. But I think the first line should be moved to after she "makes your arms cuddle her".
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 5:38 pm


Light Nephilim
I liked the poem. The scene is nice. But I think its in an awkward order. I'm no expert on poetry, nor have I ever written a poem outside of kindergarten. But I think the first line should be moved to after she "makes your arms cuddle her".

Thank you, the only reason it is in that order is because in real life, we were standing together under the stars (she had a real big thing for the stars), she said she was freezing, (not gonna lie, I was pretty cold myself, but I didn't show it), and she leaned against my body for warmth. We kind of stood there for a few minutes, then she took my hands and wrapped them around her. We litteraly stood there for an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours.

Rainy Zero


Rainy Zero

PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 5:40 pm


Grita
I liked it. It created a good image, and it's cool that you wrote about something that actually happened, because a lot of people can't do that, and would have to make something up instead, to have it sound cool enough. I liked this line especially, because it gives a very good idea of what it was like:
She makes my arms cuddle her
Like I would put up any fight

I also liked the ending, the way it ended with a couple simple words that mean a lot.

Thank you so much.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:31 am


Could I maybe get 1 more critique please?

Rainy Zero


Cereah
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:51 pm


I thought it was very good and had very good imagery. I would have liked to see some punctuation to help with the rhythm, but other than that I thought it was really good! I especially like how it ends with the poem slowly becoming shorter with each line. Good job!
PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 3:32 am


Might I just add that you should DEFINITELY keep the first line where it is, as is?

You might want to cut the last two lines just to make the poem have a distinct beginning, middle, and end.

Reason being- well, have you read Virginia Woolf? Her stream of consciousness- 's all in the head; your first line becomes the paramount image in our heads, and then it makes more sense as a story to start warm and end cold (putting simplistically). Besides, if she's gone you're obviously going to be alone so you're just repeating yourself in the last two lines. Don't worry about abruptness- it's far worse to waste words because you bore your audience. It's like accidentals in music. You don't WANT to create a nice image at the end. Abruptness catches attention, and that's what will make people stop and stare.

...since this was the only decent poetry posted in the past week... *growls* does anybody around here excluding you post poetry that ISN'T teenage, emo, unstructured and misspelled?

godzilladoxy

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Rainy Zero

PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:05 am


bytten
Might I just add that you should DEFINITELY keep the first line where it is, as is?

You might want to cut the last two lines just to make the poem have a distinct beginning, middle, and end.

Reason being- well, have you read Virginia Woolf? Her stream of consciousness- 's all in the head; your first line becomes the paramount image in our heads, and then it makes more sense as a story to start warm and end cold (putting simplistically). Besides, if she's gone you're obviously going to be alone so you're just repeating yourself in the last two lines. Don't worry about abruptness- it's far worse to waste words because you bore your audience. It's like accidentals in music. You don't WANT to create a nice image at the end. Abruptness catches attention, and that's what will make people stop and stare.

...since this was the only decent poetry posted in the past week... *growls* does anybody around here excluding you post poetry that ISN'T teenage, emo, unstructured and misspelled?

Thanks
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 6:06 pm


I liked this very much. The fact that it was actually a real memory helped to make the poem seem that much more real to the reader. The rhythm was a little off in a couple of areas, but it wasn't anything big. Then again, I'm so used to writing and reading rhyming poetry that has very structured rhythms that a more free form poem such as this one takes me a bit to get used to. Regardless, it was a wonderful poem. Congrats on a nice piece.

ElegantSarcasm


[.Dark.Rose.]

PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:38 pm


Quite emotional. Kind of bittersweet. I like it though.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 7:14 pm


I don't have anything to critique, so I'll just come out and say it . . . I loved it.

Allora Lang

Friendly Businesswoman

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Work written between 2003 - 2006

 
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