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 Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:24 pm
Here is something that I've written to be the introduction of a book I hope to write titled: A Ring of No Evil. I'm not sure whether I'll turn this into a full length novel, but I'm thinking about it. Anyway, here's the prologue I've done some re-writing, so I hope it's a little better.
"Face it, girl. You're different."
That's what I think to myself every time it happens. Every time I can't tell anyone anything. Every time I can't answer a question. I just have to face the facts: I am different. And the facts sadden me. When I think long enough about it, it's unbearable.
It wasn't my fault, though. If my parents weren't such drug-addicts, I'd be normal. I'd be able to talk to anyone I wanted to and be just like everybody else. But, no: this is how I was born and there is nothing I can do about it. However, I'm not alone in the world of difference, which comforts me a little, but still, I find myself mourning.
My two brothers, Cody and Mitch, have problems of their own, too. I often wonder if their problems are worse than mine. It isn't easy only having four senses like we do. It's hard not to have all five.
Oh, I guess I forgot to mention: Cody, Mitch, and me, Jessica are triplets. Identical triplets, if you want me to be more specific. We each have dark blonde hair and royal blue eyes. It's hard to tell Cody and Mitch apart, unless they aren't wearing any shirts. Mitch has a birthmark behind his left shoulder. Of course, I look like the two of them, except my features are more feminine. If anyone were to see us and find out our names, they'd easily be able to tell who "Jessica" was. I'm the oldest by about three minutes.
Like I said before, we each have a problem. The three of us have only four senses, but we're each missing a different one. Cody, the last to be born, is deaf. Mitch, the middle child, is blind. And me, I'm mute. The three of us have had to suffer for the nine years since we've been on this planet with these disabilities. It's what makes us different. It's why we can't be like everybody us. It's why we're sad.
Mom and dad don't give a hoot, though. They're usually too drunk to care about us anyway. It's because of those drugs that my brothers and I are different. Just... too many drugs. I don't know why they still do it, even after they've seen what it can do to children if the mother takes drugs while she's pregnant. As a matter-of-fact, I don't even think they remember that we have problems, because they try to beat us when we try to tell them:
"Mom, I don't know what you're saying! I can't hear you!"
"What are you doing, dad? What is going on? I can't see!"
"..........."
They say that we're ignorant children that don't like to follow orders. They say that we're just playing games on them in order to get what we want like spoiled brats. Oftentimes, the three of us will gather together in the large closet of our bedroom and cry with each other. At times, we still wonder why. Did we do something bad? If so, what did we do?
Other people, who know about what we are, say that we are cursed children. For, when the three of us are together, people say that we're like a ring of no evil. See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. That's what it is like with the three of us. But the worst part is some people take advantage of us for their own comic needs.
Cody gets upset just by looking at people moving their mouths, but not being able to hear what they're saying. Sometimes at home, he throws such a tantrum that he almost makes Mitch and I go deaf as well. Mom beats him for it, but I know I would be upset too. I wish I could tell Cody how I feel, but, as you know, I have no voice, and he wouldn't be able to hear me even if I did. Cody hardly gets upset at me, because I hardly move my mouth. I've learned by now, it's useless to try and speak to anyone. Deaf or not. I'm not sure if Cody knows I'm mute, but one of these days, I'll have to try and find a way to let him know.
Mitch has to wear sunglasses whenever he goes outside. Mom and dad haven't bothered to get him any kind of a cane. Since all three of us go to the same school, I usually help him find his way around when I get the chance during passing period. Unfortunately, he used to sometimes think it was a total stranger leading him by the hand, and he tried to hit me. However, once he realized it was me, he'd break down, even if it was in front of a group of students, who of course point and laugh. He tells me he's upset because he doesn't even know what "his wonderful sister" looks like. He's able to recognize my touch now, but he wonders why I don't just tell him who I am. I now know that Mitch doesn't know that I can't tell him anything verbally. As with both of my brothers, I'll have to tell them someway. But how?
I don't get that much upset like my two brothers. Yet, I get kind of sad when I see people talking to each other. Sure, I can see them. Sure, I can hear what they say. But... I'm never able to express how I feel. If I ever want to tell someone something, I have to write it down on a piece of paper. And when people see me do that, they point and taunt me. The other kids at my school call me names and push me in the mud. They do it not only for fun, but also because I can't talk back to them. It makes me angry to see why people can't understand my situation. It isn't fair! Sometimes, I just want to grab the jerks by the neck and slap them silly or squeeze harder until they suffocate. But... then I would be no better than them. And sometimes, during lunch, when it has been a really bad day, I hide in the janitor's closet and weep silently. Hey, how else am I supposed to do it?
Cody and Mitch are in special classes because of their disabilities. Their teachers tell our parents that they're very gifted students who learn quickly. Unfortunately, all my parents hear is, "Blah, blah, blah..."
I'm not in any special classes like my brothers. The office thought I'd be okay in normal classes. The only problem is... I can never answer questions or ask any questions. I can only just sit there, scratching down notes and get good grades. Good grades... for silence. And again, the kids taunt me and take advantage of my silence. And when I turn a paper in, the teacher wonders why it's wet.
Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil. That is the case of the Marigold Triplets. The weird ones of the house. The odd-balls of the town. And the freaks of the school. It's sad for the three of us. It's cruel. It's un-fair. It sucks.
I do it every day. I wake up, I go to school, I'm made fun of, I go home, I get beaten, I go to sleep and I'm left there to think about the situation with my brothers and myself. I always hope that things will get better. That out of some miracle, my brothers and I will find happiness, just like the fairy-tales I used to read.
Yet, I always think to myself, "Face it, girl. You're different."
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:56 pm
This is good, but odd. In some ways, it doesn't seem impactful enough, like the narrorator doesn't really care about the dissabilities. It's as if someone else were telling the story, just using first person. It is told rather matter-of-factly and with not enough pasion, if you can catch my drift. It's good though, just do a little rewritng to make it seem more realistic. If you don't want to try and add more passion, switch to a third person point of view and be an omnicient narrotor or a narrator that just sees Jessica's mind. Or, you could even make Jessica not caring, but it didn't seem like that's how you wanted the character to be. I'll surely read the next bit.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:55 am
I love your title. It's quite creative.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 12:13 pm
<33 I love it. I really do. ^^ I loved the whole.. "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing. That was good. I think that could turn out to be a really good story. Keep it up!
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:07 pm
I liked the premise for your story. One thing bother me, though. How could they be identicle triplets if two of them are male and one female? Maybe its possible, I don't know anything about genetics, just seemed a bit odd to me. Like Amyame said, I like the "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing. You also need more emotion, more personality to it. Your character has no....character. You know what I mean?
You have to make the reader feel like the ARE Jessica. Have her thoughts and feelings. How sad she is that she's unable to communicate her feelings verbally to anyone.
I hope my review was helpful in some way.
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 2:00 pm
Thanks for the reviews everyone. It's really helped me. I want to make this as good as I can, so I tried adding some things in. OH! And I added an additional paragraph about Jessica's problems following Cody and Mitch. I hope it's a little better.
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Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 4:13 pm
Man, this is another depressing story. It's a good idea about the way you tell it doesn't work to your advantage. This is because I feel you repeat the same information too much, some of it is not needed at the start at the story, but I do understand why you have used it - to inform the reader about who is who and what and why. But I felt some one this can wait until later.
Also, nothing wrong with doing this, but for now there is too much telling. You don't involve the reader in what the characters experience, you simply tell it all. I know it['s just a draft but think about it.
Also, it would be better if you didn't mention the hear no evil thing until the last minute. It's just something you should show the reader through your written, make us guess.
Also what the last guy side about the identical children, you shouldn't single out the sister from the brother because it makes it sounds as if all of a sudden they are not identical, and give then a special feature: because you have mentioned the birth mark, this now has importance to the story or appears as if it does.
What else what else... The drugged up parents. Why? Why can't they be mornal and have deformed children? Is would make it more interesting because it is something that isn't normal. For someone to have a problem and then for something to go wrong is more or less expected. Give it a thought!
And the bullying, this is cool, I guess it would be expected but you are telling it all to quickly. Slow it on down. Take the reader to school with the main char and show and tell us them being picked on. That would give us more emotion. I don't feel for these char.s yet because they have too many problems and I don't know which to feel sorry for more.
Don't get me wrong, I like where this is going and can go but for now it's too, too... too depressing.
Peace
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:53 am
Speaking is not a sense. Oh well. But you don't have any charactar, as they said. What is your story about? Life? You need something to happen to them, conflict! Put the story here, the whole thing! Then we'll see if it sucks. mrgreen
(!)
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 11:23 am
Jehosaphat Speaking is not a sense. Oh well. But you don't have any charactar, as they said. What is your story about? Life? You need something to happen to them, conflict! Put the story here, the whole thing! Then we'll see if it sucks. mrgreen (!) Gee, thanks... stare
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 7:40 pm
Loku19 Jehosaphat Speaking is not a sense. Oh well. But you don't have any charactar, as they said. What is your story about? Life? You need something to happen to them, conflict! Put the story here, the whole thing! Then we'll see if it sucks. mrgreen (!) Gee, thanks... stare SO-ORRY! I'm just a critical critic. I thought, ya know, that's how critics are s'posed to be, critical. When a critic critiques a criticable work worth minimal criticizing for critics to critically critique upon, critics should be...critical. mrgreen ( exclaim )
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:47 pm
Jehosaphat Loku19 Jehosaphat Speaking is not a sense. Oh well. But you don't have any charactar, as they said. What is your story about? Life? You need something to happen to them, conflict! Put the story here, the whole thing! Then we'll see if it sucks. mrgreen (!) Gee, thanks... stare SO-ORRY! I'm just a critical critic. I thought, ya know, that's how critics are s'posed to be, critical. When a critic critiques a criticable work worth minimal criticizing for critics to critically critique upon, critics should be...critical. mrgreen ( exclaim ) That's understandable. There are a lot of bad critics out there who only care about what they think instead of taking consideration of what others think. You were just being, well... critical neutral . That's fine wink .
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 10:30 am
You're all gonna hate me, so I apologize first for having it so long. I would put small font but it would ruin your eyes. confused redface Quote: But, no: this is how I was born
Remove the colon. I don't think it's supposed to be there.
However, I'm not alone in the world of difference
That's a little fuzzy. Are you trying to say that there are others like her or...?
It isn't easy only having four senses like we do. It's hard not to have all five.
Maybe a semicolon in place of the period and instead say "it's harder to have none at all" or something.
Cody, Mitch, and me, Jessica are triplets. Identical triplets
Maybe "Cody, Mitch, and I--Jessica--are identical triplets" that or change the period there to a semicolon or comma. It doesn't seem to fit. If you don't feel that's good you at least need a comma after Jessica.
apart, unless they aren't wearing any shirts. Mitch has a birthmark behind his left shoulder.
I kinda think that comma shouldn't be there and that period should be a dash or removed and then put a because there.
Of course, I look like the two of them, except my features are more feminine.
That sounds a little redundant unless you were to say something of the nature of "It's easier to tell me apart of course, because my features are much more feminine." That way even if you're dictating the obvious the reader can see you aren't babying them and simply pointing out something that should be evident.
If anyone were to see us and find out our names, they'd easily be able to tell who "Jessica" was. I'm the oldest by about three minutes.
If that's supposed to be humorous you should drop it. It seems EXTREMELY out of character. If not then drop it anyways because it's irrelevant.
Like I said before, we each have a problem.
Now there is where you should use a colon, or so I think confused .
The three of us have only four senses
Ok, you're confusing the reader--me--here. If they all only have four senses then drop that "it's hard not to have all five" or whatever you said up there. You were giving the impression that they--the brothers--could not see, hear, feel, taste or smell.
The three of us have only four senses, but we're each missing a different one.
That needs some re-working. I have no suggestions but I'll lay down why I think that. "the three of us" is useless; we know that you're talking about the triplets. "only have four senses" don't know there; just doesn't sound right. "but we're each missing a different one" that one I'm lost for too but it should be worded differently.
Cody, the last to be born, is deaf. Mitch, the middle child, is blind. And me, I'm mute.
"Cody, the youngest," try or you could replace the commas with dashes. "And I'm a mute" would sound better. The repitition doesn't fit well there. Plus I think it's a mute not just mute, not sure there though.
The three of us have had to suffer for the nine years since we've been on this planet with these disabilities.
That's a duh. Sorry to put it bluntly. That's a duh because we know that they've had to suffer for the time they've been living and the on this planet with these disabilities is redundant again because we know they didn't wake up one morning and go "whoa. I'm blind". If you're trying to say that they're nine years old then say something to the point of "for nine years we've had to suffer with these" then you could add on a "curses" or a "disabilities" if you like but the point there is you're showing their age and their exasperation without making it sound...[insert kinder synonym for dumb]
It's why we're sad.
Drop it. It's a no-brainer.
Mom and dad don't give a hoot, though. They're usually too drunk to care about us anyway.
Remove give a hoot and put care. Even if it's a first-person story that doesn't mean you should take advantage of the quotation rule (if it's in quotations it doesn't have to be grammatically correct or spelled right if it's pronounced differently). Then remove that period and put a comma or a dash.
It's because of those drugs that my brothers and I are different
Said it before. Drop it.
Just... too many drugs
Once again *fires invisible gun* G'bye.
I don't know why they still do it
Do them not it. It's not a drug they're taking.
, even after they've seen what it can do to children if the mother takes drugs while she's pregnant
That's a little weak I think it should go.
try to beat us
Try? Drop the "try to".
"Mom, I don't know what you're saying! I can't hear you!" "What are you doing, dad? What is going on? I can't see!" "..........."
Change that. That's weak. Try something like "when we try to explain that I can't respond, and Cody can't hear what they're saying" Mitch shouldn't have too much trouble. A blind person in this situation can still understand the situation and run. Your choice if you want to add something about Mitch but I suggest you don't.
Did we do something bad? If so, what did we do?
Try making that one question.
That's what it is like with the three of us
*fires invisible gun again*
comic needs
try "entertainment"
I wish I could tell Cody how I feel, but, as you know, I have no voice, and he wouldn't be able to hear me even if I did.
She can write, he can read. Or so we assume by what you have or have not told us. The rest of the paragraph is the same problem: she can write. I think we should cut this one.
who of course point and laugh
I now know that Mitch doesn't know that I can't tell him anything verbally. As with both of my brothers, I'll have to tell them someway. But how?
Umm...what? Drop that. She could write it down and have someone read it to her brother.
[this entire next paragraph]
There we go. My whole point. She could write it down.
But... then I would be no better than them
Remove the ellipsis(three periods)
hear is, "Blah, blah, blah..." I think that should be a colon not a comma. Not entirely sure but I think. Then I don't know if that B should be capitalized. It's not a new sentence.
And when I turn a paper in, the teacher wonders why it's wet
I get that you're trying to say she's crying but she wouldn't drench it. It would only have a couple drops and I don't think they would notice a few specks of dried water.
The weird ones of the house. The odd-balls of the town. And the freaks of the school.
Revise. The weird ones of the house is kinda ennhhhh
It's sad for the three of us. It's cruel. It's un-fair. It sucks.
First thing, okay, second thing, okay, third is pushing it and unfair isn't a hyphen, we get the point, and sucks is not exactly great literature but it is the quotation rule in a way because it is her thoughts. Still. Pushing it.
That out of some miracle
Maybe a comma after that.
OKAY. Now that we're past the grammar and stuff, my opinion. It's really kinda depressing. It's terribly sickening really. I hope it turns out good because I don't wanna read any more. Too much of them suffering. I hope that's chapter 1 and not a prologue because prologues are supposed to hook you not make you put the book down, turn around and leave the store. Maybe someone as depressed as these kids might enjoy it but that's a stretch.
It's an averagely written story with pitiful characters, no real conflict except for man vs himself and the plot is like the invisible man. But that's just my opinion.
Hope I didn't scar you too much with that. I really don't mean to be an a**. I've tried to go about this best I can.P.S. I really thought the title was clever though.
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 1:58 pm
Okay, from everyone's criticisms, this apparently doesn't seem to work. However, I have an idea. How about, I erase this whole thing and start over. Only this time, instead of Jessica just stating the facts to the reader, how about I take you guys through a day in their lives and gradually reveal that they have these disabilities and how much they're getting picked on and beaten up by their parents. If you are one who has read it already or have not read it, but will, and then suggest something, please quote this and tell me if this would be a better approach in terms of introducing a new novel. 'Cause I really want this to work!
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 6:07 pm
Loku19 Okay, from everyone's criticisms, this apparently doesn't seem to work. However, I have an idea. How about, I erase this whole thing and start over. Only this time, instead of Jessica just stating the facts to the reader, how about I take you guys through a day in their lives and gradually reveal that they have these disabilities and how much they're getting picked on and beaten up by their parents. If you are one who has read it already or have not read it, but will, and then suggest something, please quote this and tell me if this would be a better approach in terms of introducing a new novel. 'Cause I really want this to work!
That sounds like a much better idea though. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 10:17 am
Bujiraso Loku19 Okay, from everyone's criticisms, this apparently doesn't seem to work. However, I have an idea. How about, I erase this whole thing and start over. Only this time, instead of Jessica just stating the facts to the reader, how about I take you guys through a day in their lives and gradually reveal that they have these disabilities and how much they're getting picked on and beaten up by their parents. If you are one who has read it already or have not read it, but will, and then suggest something, please quote this and tell me if this would be a better approach in terms of introducing a new novel. 'Cause I really want this to work!
That sounds like a much better idea though. 3nodding
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