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 Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 7:15 pm
I didnt put as much emotion in this as the last one... but that's becasue this is true... the last one was semi-fictional.... give me feedback, please!
My scars tell a story. They each have a different meaning and a different reason. They tell the story of my life. That is why I don?t hide them. They are as much a part of me as my eyes and my ears. It?s almost as if? as if I wouldn?t be who I am without them.
I first started cutting myself when I was young, no more than eleven or twelve. I don?t remember the exact reason for the first time but I knew it had to do with me not being perfect enough for my father.
You see, perfection was very big to him. You're not allowed to be anything that he doesn?t want. That constant need to be perfect and the constant bitching and complaining from him about my weight and stuff... it just made me look for a release. I thought... I thought it pushed me just a little bit closer to perfection.
Another contribution to my cutting was myself. I lacked any confidence and I rarely saw anything but how I looked. I'm not what they consider beautiful. I?m overweight and plain. I was teased when I was younger because of this and that just pushed me to mutilate myself. The voices of these verbal attackers just... egged me on. I was also very confused about myself because my father denied me. He denied that I was his daughter and that made me question myself a lot. I mean, if my own father didn?t want me then who would? It hurt and still hurts to this day.
It is starting to occur to me that my reason for cutting myself mainly revolves around one thing. I wanted to be wanted. I believed that no one could or would ever want me for me so I cut myself to change. A lot of good that did, huh?
Cutting did change me though. It changed my life. I shut the world out when I started cutting. When the blood would flow from my wrists or my legs, that was when I was open and vulnerable. Otherwise, I was a rock that no one could crack.
Except one person? I met someone in July of last year, one year this Saturday actually. He made me open up to him. I have no idea how but he cared about me and made me talk to him. He?s probably the only person I trust that much.
I don?t remember exactly what he said that made me do it. It was something about me being too great and beautiful of a person to harm myself so much. He said that I meant too much for him to loose me.
I think that?s what did it. He wanted me. He wanted me around and he didn?t want to loose me. That did me in.
I quit cutting on September 26, 2004. Temptation since then has been horrible. Especially when he?s hurt me or when I?ve had issues with my dad. But I?ve pulled through because he still reminds me that he wouldn?t want to loose me.
This is what it?s like to be wanted. And, truthfully, he's the best friend I've ever had.
- <3 rose <3 -
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 10:00 pm
Very good. This is a nice piece, the constant reminding of how much you longed to be wanted, it really makes it sink in. Try to edit out the copy/paste question marks to make it an easier read. Very good.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:16 pm
That was really good. The '?'s confused me at first, but I figured out what happened after a while... I like the way it's written. The style is very personal, so the reader feels as if you are talking directly to them. It's also a piece many people can relate to in some way, whether because there is someone that has reached out to them or they've felt trapped by everyone around them. Good job!
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:14 pm
I don't know why Gaia replaces certain symbols with a question mark, but its irritating. You were right about it not having a lot of feeling. It seemed like the person didn't really care about what happens. But that may just be me. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:13 pm
The beginning was very catchy, but it sort of trailed off after that. It's almost as if you're writing from a third person's PoV. The Omniscent style, is what I believe they used to call it. Though it is harder to write (with feeling) about something that really happened to you, I think that practicing phrasing your own emotions really helps you write better when the need comes for you to write about something similar for something in real life (ie, if you ever write a novel).
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