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 Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:06 am
If you've got time, re-read this, because it will probably make more sense the second time through.
The Man I Love Most
I sat in bed on my mother's death night
As tears dripped slowly down my face.
And while the evening slipped away,
I fell into your warm embrace.
After a death mournful for you, my love
Marriage didn't sound good.
I told you then I wouldn't marry either.
You told me that I would.
You are the man I love the most;
With you, I've no fear to be sad.
And even though you've left me 'lone,
You're the truest love I've had.
Once we scaled a mountain together.
Amid the grass, birds, and deer
You told me many times not to be afraid,
But around you I had no fear.
You are the man I love the most;
With you, I've no fear to be sad.
And even though you've left me 'lone,
You're the truest love I've had.
A while later you had the heart-attack,
And I brought you to the hospital quick.
The nurse shook her head sadly, and told me,
"Honey, he's real sick."
I stayed by your bedside for days and days,
Even though you scarcely opened an eye.
I cried, but you couldn't comfort me.
I thought the second I left, you'd die.
You are the man I love the most;
With you, I've no fear to be sad.
And even though you've left me 'lone,
You're the truest love I've had.
I never left for more than a few hours,
But after a month, you still did die.
I should've used that month to let go.
But I loved you too much to say bye.
Ten years later when I was thirty-nine,
I married, like I'd said I wouldn't.
I loved him, but not as much as you.
I tried, but I just couldn't.
You are the man I love the most;
With you, I've no fear to be sad.
And even though you've left me 'lone,
I love you still, my dad.
Any comments or suggestions?
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:12 am
This is very good. It well shows the pain in losing a loved one. It has a chorus type thing going on, so you might consider putting it to melody. That would be pretty neat. This is a very nice piece, very impactful. . .
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:04 pm
Wow, that was really good! I really love how it's filled with so much emotion and how it tells a story! I thought it was very true to life, especially how she said she wouldn't marry but after time went by she was able to. It was a very good ending, and the repetition was great! Good job!
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:50 pm
This was great. Very touching. I like the style quite a bit. The whole story was very inspirational. You expressed a lot of feeling in it and I loved it. Keep up the good work.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:48 pm
crying How sad! But wonderful! Only thing: get rid of the question marks where commas and such should be (I have to work on that, too, so don't worry), and when you said "Awhile later you had the heartattack", it sounds as though it was a few minutes/hours, whatever. Is it meant to be like that? Otherwise, great! I love it
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 10:05 am
*sniff* Okay... I'm crying...
I really like it, and the way you used the repetiton really make me need tissues. Absolutely great! ^^
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 1:31 pm
The emotion was really clear there, good job.
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:39 am
MalineMoonFeather crying How sad! But wonderful! Only thing: get rid of the question marks where commas and such should be (I have to work on that, too, so don't worry), and when you said "Awhile later you had the heartattack", it sounds as though it was a few minutes/hours, whatever. Is it meant to be like that? Otherwise, great! I love it Thank you, and I like both of your suggestions as well. I didn't realize it had all those question marks, and I plan to change the line "A while later you had the heart attack".
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:47 am
Cereah Wow, that was really good! I really love how it's filled with so much emotion and how it tells a story! I thought it was very true to life, especially how she said she wouldn't marry but after time went by she was able to. It was a very good ending, and the repetition was great! Good job! Thanks for commenting, and I like the way you mentioned specific things in the poem, because it is more helpful to me that way. biggrin Did you think there was ever too much or too little repition? I couldn't decide where and how many times to put the chorus in.
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 7:02 am
It has a good feel...it's just the rhythym is a bit off. It seems the ords stumble over each other, like you felt you needed to include every little detail. Just put poetics into it! It's not poem enough! It's hard to explain, you catch my drift, G?
(I commented on your piece, you comment on mine! xp Not to pressure you...)
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