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Poetry by Shukaka_san. Critique, please!

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Azarni Usagi

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 9:08 pm


This one is my best work so far, and I love it. I've had alot of compliments on it, but I want more opinions. Please respond!!

I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry

A Knife To The Throat

A Gun To The Head

A Rope Around The Neck, A Stool To Stand On

A Pill In The Hand

A Tub Full Of Water

A Note On The Desk

“I'm Sorry Mom”

“I'm Sorry Dad”

“I'm Sorry, Friends”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

“But I Just Can't Take It”

“So I Mark This As My Release”

“I Want To Die”

“I'll Kill Myself”

“Don't Try To Save Me”

“I'm Beyond Salvation”

“Too Far Gone”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

Countless Voices Cry Out

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

Why Did They Do It?

Why?

They Didn't Want To Die

They Wanted To Hide

And They Only Found One Way

Death

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

“I Hate My Life”

“So I'm Going to Die”

“ I'll Cheat Fate”

“I'm Taking Control”

“Nothing Left To Lose”

“I'm Killing Myself”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

“But Please, Don't Cry Over Me”

“Rejoice, For Now I'm Free”

“Remember Me Not With Sadness, But With Joy”

“Remember Who I Used To Be”

“Remember Me, Not What I Did”

“Remember Me And Smile”

“Remember The Fun Times”

“Move On.”

“Don't Forget Me, But Don't Follow Me Anytime Soon”

“Learn To Love Another, But Sometimes Think Of My Love”

“And Now I Ask, From Every Inch Of My Soul...Will You Live?”

“I'll Watch Over You”

“Don't Ruin Your Life Because Of Me”

“I Love You, And I'll Always Be There, In Spirit”

“I Choose To Die, But I Want You To Live”

“Live For Me, As I Could Not”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry, But I Must Die.”

“I Need Relief”

“So You Live, And I'll Be In Your Memories”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

And The Knife Is Pressed Against The Neck

The Trigger Is Pulled

The Stool Kicked Away

The Pill Swallowed

The Head Shoved Under Water

And The Note Left To Be Found

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

The Last Breaths Are Taken

The Grim Reaper Is Welcomed

And It's Over

On The Floor

Hanging From The Ceiling

Sitting In A Chair

Laying In The Tub

A Body Is Found

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”

“Forgive Me”

“Please”

“You Live, And I'll Rest”

“I'm Sorry”

“I'm Sorry”



If any of you want to check out my other work, here is the link to my profile on FictionPress.com. ^^
http://www.fictionpress.com/u/558791/
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 9:13 pm


Yup, this is a poem about how I felt about myself and others two years ago. I came very close to killing myself once, but instead I holed up in my room and wrote and wrote and wrote. This was one of the results. Don't judge me by what I though about doing, I really hated my life, but I decided to try and live, and THANK GOD I DID. My parents never knew about this, and if any of you reading this know me, don't let them know. I am over that point in my life. I felt horrible, and I hope y'all can understand what I mean when I say 'They Crash'.

My Tears Don't Fall

My Tears Don't Fall
Not Around Others
Surrounded By People
I Put On
I Happy Face
And Say
“I Don't Care”
But I Do
And When I am Alone
They Just Come
And I Can't Stop Them
Don't Want To Stop Them
But My Tears Don't Fall
They Crash

Azarni Usagi


Azarni Usagi

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 9:16 pm


My views of my freaking horrible life at school...I am trying to maintain my individuality, but I am surrounded by people who hate individuality and love conformity. This also happened to one of my best friends and I greatly mourn her loss. I was friends with her in 5th in 6th grade, but then she became a b***h and an evil prep. I do hate who she's become, but I could never truly hate her, because I still remember the girl who was nice and funny, who loved to laugh, who she used to be, and I wish she'd come back. It was like overnight the girl I knew disappeared and was replaced with a cruel girl who only laughed at other's expense. I am friends with nice preps though, I don't hate preps, just evil ones. You know, the modern-day Nazi types, the preps who hate everyone who doesn't shop at Hollister, Abercrombie, or Aeropostale. Well, this poem is dedicated to her, and I'm not gonna give out her name 'cause I don't want her to get kidnapped/raped/killed/etc. She'll probably never read this because she doesn't use this site, she probably doesn't even know it exists, but oh well. Yeah...here's the poem, enjoy.

All I See Is Black

Opening My Eyes

I See Nothing

I Hear A Footstep

Someone's Coming

An Invisible Shadow

Passes Me By

And Then The Flood Starts

So Many Of Them

They All Look The Same

Who Are They?

Surrounded By Shadows

I Fall

They Pay Me No Attention

They Hate Me

Because I'm Different

Is There No Hope?

Am I To Be Lost

In This World Of Black

Forever?

Lost In Sorrow

I Weep

No Sliver Of Light

Reaches Me

And Slowly

I Begin To Fade

Who Am I?

I'm Losing Myself

My Eyes Close

I Slump To The Floor

I'm Dying

My Soul Is Dying

My Heart Is Dying

Me Is Dying

And All I See Is Black


Yup, that's me. One individual in a sea of same-ness. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, my school...I do have friends, but they're just like me. Trying desperately to maintain their individuality while everyone pressures us to become exactly the same as them. Any of you who have gone through losing a friend to the evil preps know how I felt about losing her, and how much it hurt when she started to hate me. Ja ne...(good bye in Japanese...)

Everything is Reachable. You've Just Got to Find Something Worth Reaching For.
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Sad, or dark, or mysterious, or scarey poems

 
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