|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 1:45 am
Critique PLEASE. I know I need to quit saying I!! domokun scream Some of the stuff is inconsistent, I've gone some editing to do.
Alot of the lingo is chopped, intentionally, and I cut out a SHITLOAD of the dialogue, and this is only the first 2/5 chapters, posting all of it would be a huge mess. So HERE.
The whole of what is done is in my journal. smile
1
"Well, at least they look cute together.." Rick said to me.
"Yeah. That's true enough." I responded as I took another swift drag from my camel.
He patted down his hair, as I let the camel dangle from my lips. We were leaning on my peice of s**t american car, and everyone else, save for Francis, who was gathering something from her car, was inside, dancing their ankles apart. Another drag, and I flicked the ash.
"Hey guys, why aren't you inside?" Francis asked as she approached
[Cut out, lots of babbling about Bob Dylan, and stuff, so, yeah.]
"Nice.."
Rick simply nodded.
"Hey, lets head inside." I said as I rubbed the cigarette butt on the bottom of my shoe.
"Aight."
He filed in after me, and I took a quick note of the clock. 10:25, or something like it, it read. Pm, of course. I wandered over, and sat at the bar, joining Danny. He had Maggie swooning over him, like always. I looked at the bartender. It was one of those bimbo-types. She had on a bustier that kept her bosom firmly up. Tatoo'd cross on her left arm. She looked down, troubled, obviously.
"Gimme' a medium coffee." I said to her, before turning to Danny.
"Howsit hangin' dawg?"
'Oh, hey Kerry. Dude, this is really cool. Anne is coming to town this weekend."
"Ah, rock on."
The waitress had arrived by now, and I handed her a buck 50, and told her to keep the change, as I took my espresso. I sat and looked at the sheen table. Danny had resumed talking to Maggie. Highway 61 revisited popped into my head, and I grinned. How lovely this situation must have seemed to others. I took a small sip, as the drink was still hot. After about 4 minutes of staring at the table, I was joined by Brian, and his lover, Jade. Lots of couples here, tonight, I noted.
"Yo." I popped to Brian.
"Dude, this music is GREAT!" Brian squeeled.
"Haha. right on." I responded, before turning on my stool to face Dean and Alison. They were definately a cute couple, Rick was right. Maybe the depression in the air was the fact that none but they had lasted as long as they did. I took another sip, a little cooler. The air was cooling too.
I heard a sudden chime, at the other side of the room. It was Alison's dad, Gary. He tapped his glass with a spoon.
"I would like.. to.. ah.. propose a TOAST to the bride and ah.. groom." He murmured with a fake grin.
"I raised Alis, as best as I could, and I hope Dean here, takes care of her." He continued. "SO, a toast!"
He raised his glass, as everyone else did. I stood, letting my gooshyness get ahold of me.
"To the bride and groom!" I said, with a slight grin, looking to Dean. He returned the grin. The rest of everyone raised their glasses, and there were a few clinks, here and there, and a large "To the bride and groom!", before everyone drank. After, there was plenty of cheering, and I sat back on the barstool, drinking my coffee, as it was cool enough to do so now.
2
I awoke to a soft moan in the next room. ******** college kids. I hated them. I pulled myself out of bed, then looked at the wall. The calendar said November 6th. I had a geneology exam at 3. I slipped on some dirty jeans, put on a dirty shirt, pulled on some dirty socks, and jumped into my dirty shoes, before ******** around with my dirty hair. I arrived in the kitchen, as the clock said, at 1:34. Rick was hunched over the laptop with some MMO, or something like it.
"Sup Rick?" I inquired of him, as I opened the freezer to pull out some dirty pizza. Looked like cheese, so I set it down on the counter, with a thump.
[cut out babbling with Rick]
I cut open the pizza with my teeth, and after a little toil, shoved it in the oven, at 400 degrees. Looking over to see what was on the comp, I noticed Rick had reached 'lvl' 15 on the new character.
"s**t, dude, you're levelin' fast. Me and Dean are still at 9. I'm almost at 10." I proclaimed.
"Y-yeaaah. I am." He replied, enveloped in Warcraft.
The couch invited me for a seat, so I took it's invitation. Laying on the couch revitalized me, so I jumped up, from a short lived vacation.
Back in my bedroom, I pulled on the really baggy green sweater that I always had on hand. I checked my image in the mirror, and noticed how dirty my hair was. Ducking inside the bedroom as Dean walked out completely nude, I drew my electric razor from the left hand drawer, before turning it on, and proceeding to make my head clean of all hair. I pulled the contacts that had been in my eyes, and slipped on my glasses. I blinked, then examined myself. I looked much better without any hair. Not that it really mattered, I told myself. The walk to the front door was the same as always. I greeted Dean, and his nudity, as he was completely, and utterly, nude. I laughed, recalling his vow to remain nude for a week after his marriage.
The walk to the car was normal, and the drive to the store was normal. The Smashing Pumpkins invited me to drive forever and a day, just to listen to them, but I was at my stop, that new age shop, and I was all tuckered out. The walk inside the store was normal, and the browsing was normal. I found what I was looking for, in a little bag of incense, and a big "joint" of sage. I had also found a few books, all part of my interest, and I made my way to the checkout. What I found there amused me to no end. My old friend Francis was there, helping an old man checkout. I laughed a little inside, and I'm sure the smirk on my face could tell all as I spilled my contents in the counter, and she saw me, and laughed.
"Hows'it goin, homeboy?" I asked her.
[Cut out, lots of rambling, didn't really think you'd want to read it all.]
I wrote the number on a peice of paper for her, but I won't type it here, in case my lawyer gets ahold of it.
"Well, cyah later Kerry!"
"Yeah, cyah dawg." I replied, as I made my way out the door with my goodies in hand.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:05 pm
I don't have much time right now, but I'll say a couple things. I think what you have sounds interesting. However, I would much prefer to read it with all the dialogue. I'm sure it would make it flow better and give it more sense. I'll do a better critique later. Welcome to the Guild. Happy writing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 11:52 am
Merenwen99 I don't have much time right now, but I'll say a couple things. I think what you have sounds interesting. However, I would much prefer to read it with all the dialogue. I'm sure it would make it flow better and give it more sense. I'll do a better critique later. Welcome to the Guild. Happy writing. Thanks. smile The rest is in my journal. Still got some editing to do smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
