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 Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:52 am
~ Just Joking ~ wahmbulance wahmbulance Just telling and sharing a few jokes wahmbulance wahmbulance
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:53 am
One day a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy accros the head and Tommy yelled out, "Ouch you fu**ing wanker!" Later that day in church, the mother went to talk to the priest. She said, "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." The priest asks, "Well, have you tried smacking them?" She replies, "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" The priest says, "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, Timmy and Tommy came down stairs for breakfast. The mother asks Tommy what he wants to eat. Tommy answers, "Well, gimme some fu**ing waffles." The mother backhands Tommy so hard that he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. Timmy, shocked and terrified of what just happend becomes very quite. The mother asks Timmy what he wants for breakfast and Timmy answers, "Well, you can bet your sweet as* I don't want no fu**ing waffles!"
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:54 am
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,
''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,
''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 6:55 am
The pregnant lady ...............
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately, moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
years old) what he had to say for himself
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I
grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'
... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:01 am
Where did the sick ship go when it was sick.............
...............to the doc
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:03 am
A penguin goes to the mechanic to get his car repaired. While waiting he goes to get an ice cream. When he gets back the mechanic says that he blew a seal, the penguin replies,"Oh, I get that alot, but this is only ice cream".
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:04 am
What goes cluck cluck cluck BANG..............
......................A chicken in a mine field
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:06 am
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house. "
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:07 am
A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes it's a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to drink. So he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks, "What is the name of your p***s?" The man replies, "Man get outta my face, I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you untill you tell me the name of your p***s." The man says, "Okay then whats the name of your p***s?" The bartende answers, "Mine is named Nike, you know, just do it." The man thought for a moment then says, "mine is named secret". The bartender said, "Secret??" The man explained, "you know, strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:08 am
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double martina on the rocks drinks it looks in his pocket orders another drinks it lokks in his pocket. this time he goes to order one and the bartender says (i will give you these all night but you gotta tell me why you look in your pocket) so the other guy says there is a picture of my wife in there when it starts to look good its time to go home
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:09 am
A guy walks into a bar and see a big sign: Win $100,000,000. Ask the bartender for details. He goes to the bartender and ask him about it.
"Okay here's the deal." The bartender says. "First you have to knock out the guy at the end of the bar who looks like the hulk. Then you go into that door over there and you'll find an alligator with a broken tooth, you must remove the tooth. Then you have to go up the stairs to an 80 year old hooker who has never been satisfied by a man, if you can satisfy her you'll win the money."
The guy orders a double scotch, then goes to the man and with one punch knocks him out. He returns orders another scotch then goes into the door. After a few minutes of yelling and growling the room fell quite. Five mintues went by, he came out his clothes torn, he was bleeding profusly. He stumbles to the bar and orders another drink, he gulps it and ask. "Okay where's the hooker with the broken tooth?"
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:10 am
Odd jokes
There were three kids named shut up,poop, and manners. poop broke his leg and shut up went to call 911... when the police arrived, they asked shut up for his name. shut up said"shut up" then the policeman said "where is your manners?"shut up said"hes over there, picking up poop"
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 7:12 am
Riddles
Q:why did the man put a ruler on the newspaper?
A:he wanted to get the story straight
Q:can a match box?
A:no, but a tin can
Q:what happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar?
A:he bucked
brainstorms(may not be funny)
Q:three men were capsized in a boat. it capsized,but only two got their hair wet.why?
A:the third man was bald
Q:a man walks into a bar(ouch) and asks for a glass of water. the bartender gives him the water and imedietely points a pistol at him, and puts it back without firing it, why?
A:the customer had the hick-ups
Q:a couple goes into a resturant, and both drink a glass of water with ice. the man drinks it fast and the woman drinks it slowly.out of nowhere, the lady dies.Why?
A:there was poison in the ice and since the lady drank it slowly, and let the poison set in the water
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