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 Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 7:27 pm
+ What do You Get when u mix a septic tank and a Tsumani
= A Poonami
+ What do u call a guy with no arms and no legs on water skies
= Skip
+ What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have underneath his apron?
= Dough-nuts
+ One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey Sucks!” written out in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad news.
It appeared to be Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.
+ What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
= Winnie the Pooh!
+ Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?
= He was caught playing with his broomstick.
+ What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
= They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Thats All For Today wink
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 3:27 pm
Here's a few kid jokes from my e-mail. Sorry, there's probably alot. XP
Kids:
1. MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
2. MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
3. JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked : "What happened to the flea?"
4. TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
5. The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice that many others could hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
A KID'S VIEW ON:
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8 ) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
12) LIGHTINING
It was almost time for school to dismiss and a mother noticed it looked like rain. So she drove toward school to pick up her eight-year-old daughter. She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her mother's van.Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked. Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky," she asked her daughter. "I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."
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Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:58 am
I have a few jokes i thought of:
1) What does the universe use to keep his pants up?
Answer: The Astroid Belt.
2) What is always wrong except twice?
Answer: A Broken Clock.
3) Why did the toilet-paper roll, roll down the hill?
Answer: To get to the BOTTOM!
4) A Frog, A Duck, and A skunk went to the movies. To get in, they each need to pay a dollar.
Who was left behind and why?
Answer: The Skunk because the Frog had a GREEN BACK, the Duck had a BILL, and the Skunk had only a CENT!
(cent = scent)
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:48 am
Full_Moon_Pirate_Rose I have a few jokes i thought of: 1) What does the universe use to keep his pants up? Answer: The Astroid Belt. 2) What is always wrong except twice? Answer: A Broken Clock. 3) Why did the toilet-paper roll, roll down the hill? Answer: To get to the BOTTOM! 4) A Frog, A Duck, and A skunk went to the movies. To get in, they each need to pay a dollar. Who was left behind and why? Answer: The Skunk because the Frog had a GREEN BACK, the Duck had a BILL, and the Skunk had only a CENT! (cent = scent) YOU DIDNT THINK OF THOSE!!!!! I THOUGHT OF 1 AND 3!!!!! THE OTHERS WERE SOME FROM JOKE BOOKS!!!!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE A SISTER WHO LIES TO GET ATTENTION???? scream
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 5:14 am
Since you are sisters she probably remebered them from when you told her. And there's nothing wrong about getting them out of a joke book.
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were in a boat fishing. The priest stood up and declared he needed a soda. He walked out of the boat and across the water to the shore, grabbed a soda and came back. An hour later the minister stood up and declared he need to grab some chips. He walked out of the boat across the water and to the shore. Then he grabbed his chips and came back across. The rabbi then remebered he had forgotten his lunch. He stood up stepped out of the boat and promptly sank. The minister turned to the priest and asked, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:32 am
lol I've heard that one before. >.<
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:57 pm
where do spiders surf? the web. ( i know, bad joke)
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:24 pm
A blonde was in need of money, so she decided to ask around the neighborhood for quick jobs. She arived at one mans house, knocked on the door, and he answered. "Can I help you?"
"Yes sir," the blonde replied. "I was wondering if you had anything I could do for you to earn a liitle money."
"As a matter of fact, I've been meaning to paint the porch. Would you be willing to do that?"
"Yes sir."
"Alright, well go ahead and take a look at it and teel me if you think you can. If so, I'll give you some paint."
"Alright."
The man went inside and told his wife he had found someone to paint the porch. Shocked, she asked "Does she know that it goes all the way around the house?"
"I'm sure. She took a look at it and said it was okay."
A few minuites later, the blonde came back to the man and told him she was done.
"So soon?" he asked. Did you put two coats on it?"
"Yes sir," replied the blonde. "I even had some paint left over."
"Oh. Well here's your pay then. Thank you."
"No problem, sir. Thank you. Oh, and by the way; It's not a Porche. It's a Jaguar."
>.< Lmao.
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 12:38 pm
hmmmmmm..... cant think of anymore jokes. eek
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:19 pm
There was little old lady who lived alone in the woods. Her husband had died, and all her children were moved out. She kept no TV, nor did she read the newspaper. To keep her occupied, she tended to a vegetable garden in her yard. One day, an elephant escaped from the local zoo and came to her garden, picking up cabages with its trunk and eating them. The little old lady, having never seen an elephant before, automatically called 911.
"Help! Help! There's an alien invading my garden and picking up the cabages with his tail!"
"Ma'am, may I ask, what is the alien doing with those cabages?"
"If I told you, you'd never believe me!"
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Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 8:54 pm
Just to let you know, I got these from several different sources.
When a reporter asked a lady what the best thing about being 102 years old was, she replied "No peer pressure."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
"Vultures have souls."
What do you call a busload of lawyers going off the edge of a cliff?
"A good start."
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
"You can negotiate with a terrorist."
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 1:25 pm
Y did d lamp post sit down?
It felt light headed..
GOOD MORNIN MADAM, THE PIANO TUNER.
But i didnt send for a piano tuner.
I KNOW- BUT YOUR NEIGHBOURS DID!
Learner:i dont deserve a zero 4 my test
teacher:i agree, but its the lowest mark i can give u
i think my teacher loves me.. She always puts X X X all over my test papers
SAVE PAPER! QUIT SCHOOL!
I dream of a better tomorrow.. Where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned!
When i die, i wana die like my gran, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screamin like all the passengers in her car.
Dont u jus hate wen:
people say while watchin a film, 'did ya see that?' no loser, i paid good money to come to the cinema and stare at the floor
u are waitin for the bus and someone asks 'has the bus come yet?' if the bus came would i be standing here??
People say 'its always the last place u look.'. Of cours it is. Why on earth would anyone keep lookin after u'v found it?
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