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 Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 9:00 pm
Here's a poem I wrote for one of my books. Yeah, I know, love poems are old and cliche, but please hear me out! In terms of the story this is found in, it's supposed to be a song. Well, here goes:
'Till the End of Time:
Whenever I'm with you,
I look in your eyes and send a message.
A message I send you with my eyes.
I tell you through your pretty eyes.
My heart beats faster,
Yet, it is beating so with such tender love.
A love that we've shared within our hearts.
We've yet to say what's in our hearts.
*The heart is pieces, two:
I take one, you too
It represents our love,
A sharing we will never mind.
Am I destined to be with you
'Till the end of time?
(Echoes)x2 End of time...
A time for love...
We've been together so long,
I feel that we've become more than friends.
A new kind of bond is between us.
Nothing else can come between us.
*repeat
(Echoes)x3 End of time...
**'Till the end of time!
(Echoes)x3 End of time...
A time for love...
**repeat
'Till the end of time!
Love should never end.
Time should never end.
End of time...
**repeat x 3 and fade...
Thoughts.... anyone? neutral
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Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 5:41 pm
At first I didn't like the 'same-word' rhyming, but since it goes through out the whole peice, it sounds good. I wish I could hear what the melodie would sound like. smile
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Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:56 pm
When I read through it the first time it seemed a bit repetitive, but reading it again, I found that the repetition wasn't as bad as I first thought. Songs are difficult to critique rhythm-wise since one can't exactly hear how it's suppose to be performed, but the punctuation you included helped me figure it out. The repetition could be changed, but it's not necessary. Overall, I thought this piece was good!
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 9:24 am
The feeling is definitely there but you can't be using a word to rhyme with itself and it you weren't trying to rhyme it then simply avoid repeating words too much.
If it were a song it kinda seemed to drag on at the end. Sometimes when you write for a song it's best to put only the poem in it's natural state without noting which part is chorus, where to repeat or anything like that. Then when you actually put music that fits the words you add it on then and see which part works best as chorus.
One last point, if it were a song you should have a constant beat meaning that you should be keeping syllable counts going in your head. I don't know if it's supposed to be like that, you're the one who's imagining the music, but I suggest making them even. A lot of songs don't rhyme but on most occassions they still try to fit the right amount of words into the right amount of beats.
But that's just my opinion. Hope it was more constructive than criticism.
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 9:48 pm
That was really full of affection.
I dunno, I really have never liked a person that much, so I would say it is foriegn to me, though reading the poem made me jelous! ^_^
I like it, but try to write in your repeats and don't just stop the flow and say (repeat 2 times)
It does get kind of annoying.
but I do like it!
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 11:31 pm
I'd say maybe there a bit too many repeats, but besides that, lovely song. It sounds very sweet and romantic and has a certain flow to it. I wish I could hear the tune that goes with it! smile
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