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Ok. I'm having an issue with heartbreak again. I haven't had this problem in months, but its resurfaced again. It's an issue that I've tried to resolve serveral times before, but it won't let up.

My best friend got a boyfriend months ago. We've hang out, with and without her boyfriend, which is cool...But things aren't the same.

For months before he came along I had been doing everything to make her happy. Everything I did was to make her smile. It wasn't a burden, I never felt like I was going out of my way and nothing suffered because of it. She's lived a life in hell, and doesn't deserve any of it. This was me when I realised I'd fallen in love with a girl.

Now, we're both open people. I don't mind the idea of being Bi or a lesbian. But the fact that she's my best friend makes a difference. She wasn't upset by hearing this. After I had told her, things went on like normal for a few months.

Things were alright, we were just normal teenaged girls. Her parents, being incredibly unaccepting of these sorts of things, remained unaware, thankfully for my physical and mental safety. For this reason, we have not neared any level of interpersonal-ishness past being friends. For a while I was ok about this.

Now, her current boyfriend comes along. Things were fine. To be honest I was there when he asked her out. I was laughing with her as she flirted with him, and blushed when he had his shy moment. I was their 'chaperone' on their date, when her mom still wasn't too sure and helped them get together whenever they needed a place to hangout.

He makes her smile, he makes her happy. It was so simple for him to walk into her life. I mean, it was all it took to make her truely happy.

Now, as her best friend, I am happy for her. As a friend, I am upset that she stopped wanting to spend time with me and her other friends. As a person who loves her, I am truely heartbroken.

I won't let what happened go to waste. I know that this is something to learn from. But now that her mother has selfishly taken her away (this is a long, long story about her being adopted, her adoptive parents divorcing etc.) I miss her. Its been over two months since I have seen her. Its been over a month since I've last talked to her. Her boyfriend and I (we've been friends since before they went out) have talked. I harbor no ill feelings towards him, I never have. But something still is bringing me down.

Tonight is the first night in months that I've admitted to myself that this is, once again, the issue. My depression has deepened to the point that my doctor had increased my medication. I have tried talking it out before, but she was the only person that would listen to me. My other 'friends' have left me to stew.
I now have no one to talk to. I came here because I know there's bound to be someone who will listen, and I can much more easily ignore insults from others.

Someone, please just talk to me...

I do have a therapist, but I'm not so sure that she's the kind of person I can really trust with...such a case sensitive issue. I have a half-hour meeting with her Thursday.

But right now, I'm worried that this is making my depression worse.

Kinda like, Am I depressed because this is happening? Or Am I upset about this because I'm depressed? But the Depression started longer than this did.

I don't know. My mind won't stop and right now I have no one to talk to. I mean, my friend was the only person I could talk to, she was the only one who even believed that I was depressed.

I just can't stop thinking of this and her...But what can I do? I feel so hopeless, I've lost control again. My throat hurts from holding back the tears, but My eyes hurt from crying so much. But what can I do? Do I cry and have my parents continue in their attempt to force their values and beleifs on me? Or do I continue to bottle it up and drive myself deeper into this building frustration?

I just don't know anymore...

I'll try. I'm working on trying to talk to people more. Its working, slowly but not totally.
I've had to take another *Extended* break from work because of the depression.
But now that I have more time for myself, I have more time to think about things. Without things to occupy my mind it wanders. I'm trying to find something to concentrate on. My art has gone out the window, my games aren't up to par anymore...The best I have was starting a fish market here on Gaia. It's helped, but I can't be on the computer all the time, I know my mom won't let me.
I'm going to try making a list of things that are worring me/ being problematic.

I think the best things to remember are that being heartbroken really does suck, and you just have to accept that, but it will go away.

Oh, and [kudzu]'s right. Therapy works a lot better if you trust your thearapist.

I guess I didn't explain that. Her mom took her away. literally.
As for the therapist, I had my last session with her yesterday. Now, she's moving away. This is why I'm not that keen on talking to anyone. they always leave. I'll get over that, but now I'm on the waiting list for another councellor. on the plus side, She gave me the phone number for the 24-hour SOS crisis line.
and told me that I could go to the walk in clinics on mondays. so, I'm finding more options.