|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 12:24 pm
Ok basically this is a small part of my story that I am working on, currently 114 A4 pages, it was inspired by a nightmare I had and I wanted to know what everyone thought of it. This is on page 110 so its past halfway through, so it may be a little bit confusing what is going on but when I finish typing it up I'll post the rest of it. I love suggestions. Ok so here it is:
Elin collapsed from lack of energy. She lent against the wall staring into the thick mist and tried to stay awake. The world around her turned dark. The ground leaked blood and the wall started to melt behind her. A shape appeared through the red fog and Elin slowly came to realise it was a demon. She gasped and tried to get up. A hand placed itself on her shoulder and she turned to see her father, Ahknaa, the dreaded demon, smiling down at her showing his dripping fangs. She tried to push him away but her hand went straight through him and she retracted it. She turned to see all the demons in the world emerging, she screamed as loud as she could. They closed in, Ahknaa's claws dug into her shoulder. All the monsters jumped on her at once, all baring their teeth and readying their claws. They all had the same look of blood lust in their eyes. Elin gave one last spine chilling screech and then. She woke up.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:08 pm
I really like the idea! now if I had to critique it I would say describe more. like the feel as her hand went through the demon and etc. Also I think I remember alot of the sentences starting with "she" alot. Thats all I noticed! I refuse to check grammar and spelling because mine sucks (yay for spellcheck!) Its got a compelling story that makes me want to know more!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 9:09 am
Thankyou, and ye I noticed that I started with she alot, I always do that in dreams, hehe, great suggestions and if you were to check it you would probebly find loads, I'm bad at spelling too. sweatdrop thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:23 am
Nice story, but it seems you need to elaborate more, some more description here and there would help, but naturally this is just a short extract.
I also suggest using more interesting words, and perhaps more adverbs, but then again that's going back to description.
When her hand went through the demon, as Saber Alli said, firstly, describe how it felt and describe how she retracted her hand. Did she do it with a jolt of surprise? Did she do it quickly in fear, as if she might harm herself? Or did she do it calmly, not really concerned with the odd phenomenon?
Otherwise, it seems very interesting and I look forward to reading more. ^^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
