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 Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 8:00 pm
Hi, I'm Luna Dragon kid but you can call me Luna. Well Anyway I'm working on a fanfic. and I need somepoeple to tell me what I need to work on. so well heres the intro to Yugioh N.D.
Intro:
Henrietta Mutou is 14 ½ years old. She has a cool family and that’s all she has. Her great grandpa die two month ago and her dad is still trying to get over it. She just movie to this city and still trying to get use to city life *she went to an academy*. But she hopes the kids at the high school go to in a week will be nice. And well it gets worse. For one thing she doesn't know anyone in thins city. And well her dad hasn't said a word to her in a long time.
But something good came out of this, one day wile Henrietta was working outside her older bother asked her to put together this Millenium item. But on the same night Henrietta stayed up tell midnight working ong this werd Millenium item then. " Oh so this pice goes here." She says wile working on the puzzle. Then she see the puzzle she worked on for six hour was solved. But something happen the room was light up, and then she saw a girl that look like her but the girl's eye'd looked like Atem's eye's.
" Who are you?" Henrietta said with a sad look on her face.
" I do not know myself? I'm sorry if I can't anser your question." She said calm and cool.
" Then I'll call you Haku, Ok?" Henrietta said all happy.
" Ok. Whats your name?" The girl said.
" My name is Henrietta Muto." She said with kind words.
And thats how the story starts. hope you'll see this. Oh and just so you know I'm new, ok?
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Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 6:20 pm
Well, I'm pretty advanced when it comes to literature, I've had poems and essays published in the past, so a lot of the stuff I point out you can probably ignore if you are a beginner. Most stuff I point can be just learned naturally over the coarse of time. I'm only pointing these out so you have an idea. I'm literate and I noticed a lot of small mistakes, and I also want to point out a couple of things you should keep in mind.
Never start a story, or a paragraph, with the name of the targeted character. It's more appropriate to introduce them after two or three paragraphs, the first couple of paragraphs should be the setting.
The sentences are very short, there are a lot of sentences that can be grouped together to form a nice, long sentence. For example:
"Henrietta Mutou is 14 ½ years old. She has a cool family and that’s all she has. Her great grandpa die two month ago and her dad is still trying to get over it."
can be changed to:
"Fourteen year old Henrietta Motou only has her interesting family to keep her company, despite the fact that father is still trying to get over the loss of her late great grandfather."
That's only an example though, and I suggest you try something different than that, but see what I mean? By grouping it together it gives the sentence more character and tone.
Always type out numbers if it's less than a hundred or you're listing things.
When narrating, always use the respected name, like "grandfather" instead of "grandpa", unless it's being spoken.
Never use an asterisk, you can just use a comma to add a side note to the sentence or just sneakily add the fact in the setence.
Always make sure you don't miss a word, or else the sentence would not make sense. For example, "But she hopes the kids at the high school go to in a week will be nice" should be "But she hopes that the kids at the high school she goes to in a week will be nice".
Try not to start sentences with "But", "And" or "Or", those are conjunctions and are used to connect sentences, not to start them. Though, once in a while is fine, every one does it, even me, but try not to do it so much. Also, try not to start the sentence with "him" or "her" or any other form of that unless you absolutely need to. It is not a rule, but it just sounds better that way.
You need to learn how to use commas, they are not used anywhere in your story and are actually very vital to the human language. Always use a comma between two ideas, when you pause, or list things. Otherwise you just read the two ideas together and do not catch the pause, and it usually does not make sense. Go on dictionary.com and click the encyclopedia to read about comma's, that should help you.
Try not to connect words, ah, I forgot the word that you call it, but instead of saying "Don't" or "Wasn't" try to say "Do not" or "was not" when it is necessary. Otherwise, if you are not trying to say that, then you do not need the comma. I know it is hard at first, but you eventually just get the hang of it. My eleventh grade history teacher would not let anyone in his class do that in an essay or even test. Every week we had maybe three essays we needed to write for him, and if any of them had words like "don't" or "wasn't", it was an automatic F.
Try to add more description, a lot of it. Your story so far is lacking description, in fact, it doesn't have any. For example, instead of saying "She says wile working on the puzzle" you can say "She curiously said out loud to herself as her fingers gently pushed the puzzle piece in." That's only a small example of description, you can definitely add a lot more. You can never go wrong with description, it is what makes up the entire story. It is what makes the reader feel scared, happy, mad, or whatever the character is feeling. It also sets the mood of the story or setting, like if this was a horror story and the character was at a graveyard, a writer might add words like "eerie" or "petrified". To go more in detail, you can always go to dictionary.com and look up the thesaurus part, that always comes in handy.
Your spelling needs some major work on, as I am reading I can already spot, maybe, twenty spelling errors in just the first paragraph alone. Though, most just look like typos, you should always read back what you wrote after three or four sentences and correct any errors you have made. If you are not sure how a word is spelled, then just go to dictionary.com. It might take a few extra seconds, but it looks so much better and everyone can understand it more if a word is spelled correctly. It can save you a lot of trouble.
There are also a lot of present tense words being used when it should be past tense. For example, instead of "Then she see", it should be "Then she saw". You're plural nouns also need some work on too, you are writing a lot of singular words when you should be using the plural form instead.
I know I pointed this out three times or more, but dictionary.com can really help you. Seriously, even though I'm literate, I constantly have dictionary.com up on my computer and I use it all the time when I'm writing. At first it may feel a little inconvenient to just keep looking back at the web site, over time you'll realize how much it can help you and come to your aid. Also, remember that everyone makes mistakes, I've probably made a few mistakes while writing this. However, the difference between making a mistake while not bothering to try and correct it and making a mistake and trying to fix it means a lot.
That's only a few of a lot of other things I could point out, but I'll leave it at that. I'm only trying to help you, and if you use all of these points it can really make your story more readable.
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Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:07 pm
hey haizenga here. i just wanted 2 say try not to use stuff that all ready happen in the tv show u know wat i mean . its more fun that way turst me im a cartoonist in tranin . lol u should use more of ur imagenation and just have fun with k
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