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Str: 23 [+3 bonus]
End: 15

Int: 18 [+5 bonus]
Eth: 30

Luc: 10
Chr: 7

PerStr: 12 [ Preservation (+3 Str, when weakened) ]
PerWk: 6 [ Chaos (+5 Insanity effect on Mental state ) ]

Equipment Bonus:

slot1- EMPTY
slot2- Jade Earring [ +3 Str ]
slot3- Cross of San Mikhal [ Int +5 ]
slot4- Rapier [ Speed + Weapon ]
slot5- EMPTY





-Bond: Alichino Sagato

Parent [a]: Luan

Brothers: Fai Li Hisui, Seraph Tien

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-Family
-Luan/Fai/Seraph
-Training
-Fai vs. Raph
-Ships
-Apprentices
-Inland Port, Hoshi
-Southern Kings
-Fall of Imperial- losing eye, rapier
-Survival
-Finding family
-Alichino

Reasoning

I know that all of this is probably completely pointless. I know that you might not even care, and that even now this might be tossed aside and ignored...but I will try, in the time I have, to give you the understanding you once asked for.

My move topside was sudden. The warden simply arrived and gave me the option; I took it as the opportunity it was and ran with it. Truthfully, though, I didn't see how it would matter...perhaps it sounds melodramatic, perhaps I am too easily offended, but I do not think it mattered much to you that I was there. I am told I will be allowed to visit the lower levels from time to time- I will deliver these tidings to you then. Kaolin will protect you. I may not like him, but I have had to learn to trust him.

More than anything else, sweet Alice...the loneliness may kill me long before Fai arrives to take us home.




Clean Lines and Butterflies

People are always surprised that I like smooth, flowing lines as opposed to things with BANG and IMPACT. I like subtle things. They say one always leans towards things they don't have...there's a grace to clean lines that I don't have. I strive for it, but it doesn't always work, you know? Those random moments of completely goofy s**t are things I usually regret or try to hide. xd ;;

That's probably why I love wings so much, too. I love butterflies so much, but I have envied Seraph his wings my entire life. Fai, too- the few times I was lucky enough to go flying with him are some of the most treasured memories of my life. I love the freedom. You get that from ships, too, though not quite as much...There's something about being in the air that you can't duplicate. Still, when I'm out on the open water, the sea is my mistress and it's like she's been waiting for me to come home. I can almost feel her hands on my arms...I love her dearly. The sky is a lover that turns me away.




Writing

I write all the time. You haven't seen it much, because my supplies are limited, but I have thousands of ideas for scenes and characters and emotions and stories in my head. Overactive imagination, really. I'm terribly unconfident of my own work, though- just watch, I'll probably throw these scraps at you and flee. See if I don't. I hate watching other people read my work. At the same time, I rarely write for myself...I'll send crazy stories and random things to Fai and Raph and Mah, just to make them look at me strangely or get curious and ask about the story. There's a book I finished...long gone with the loss of Imperial of course, but I have a single hardcopy back on Elysium. It's never been published, or even sent to a publisher...I'm too afraid of the rejection, or that they won't like my characters. I put too much of myself in them. Someone disapproving is like...cutting at my skin with a flaying knife. I don't take criticism well, I usually take it wrong or run and hide. It's a softness that has been trained out of me, or at least to a point of being controllable, but I still to this day cry for my worries. I've given a lot of tears for you...but I guess that means you're important to me. Hell if I'll cry over people I could give a s**t about. Waste not, want not.




People

People, in general, irritate the hell out of me.

They're so inconsiderate. I complain more about it here, but it's really true no matter where you go; in Elysium I had the same problem. People like to set coffee cups on my blueprints. That pisses me off a lot. What is the difference between my lines and a painting on someone's wall? I spend as much time on what I do, it's just more functional. Of course, there are people who don't care about their paintings either. What happened to people who open doors as you pass, or step aside so that you can get to what you're reaching for, or politely ask questions? I miss the 'old world' style of courtesy. There was an elegance to it that this crudity can't match. I miss courtship, manners, dancing at galas where you could hate someone but still enjoy yourself in their presence. I didn't have the time to show you that- I wish I had. I was planning on it, really...I always thought lavender rose petals on white satin sheets would be a good thing to surprise someone with. Maybe candles...ah, I don't know. I had pretty things planned to give you. I'll keep taking notes, maybe I'll have a chance to use them someday.




((Note: All the pages prior to this one have been pristine, carefully written as if he took every precaution to make them as pretty for Alice as possible. This sheet is different. The paper is roughed up, and one can see where it was thrown off the table at one point, evidenced by a boot print from where he paced in anger. The pen marks cut deep, ragged, and his handwriting slashes across the page.))

Bitterness

It occurred to me today that I am weak. Still so weak, no matter what Mah tried to teach me, no matter how many times I have been bitten, I still come to the same weakness every damn time. Why the ******** does your opinion matter so much?! Why the hell should I care- you're just some kid who couldn't take care of himself, someone I chose to protect, there is no attachment. You didn't even like me before, i couldn't even have that much grace- you pushed me away at every turn. I should be grateful all you did was become angry. But that's not it, is it? No. It wasn't just anger. It has been anger, contempt, derision, mistrust, bitterness, hurtful eyes and the snapping of your voice that rips across the short distance between us like a lash. All you are is bitter, all you are is harsh, because you refuse to believe that there is something left to you in the world. God forbid you remember that you have Llaves back home worried sick about you- all you can think about is yourself, the damage that has been done to you. God forbid you think about how this affects Seraph through Llaves, God forbid you think about what it might be doing to me.

So much has happened that a normal life seems nonexistent now. I can barely remember my last apprentice, or how he used to make faces when I asked him to carry my bird's cage- I can barely remember the bird behind that wire frame, or the taste of the flavored cigarettes I was smoking before imperial fell. Bullshit you have lost everything, little boy- you have a life, and you have chosen not to live it. I gave up what little i had rebuilt for you- I was starting to have a normal life again, starting to think about relaxing, and then here you are...such a pretty little raver in your bright colors and glitter, and with a single action suddenly you control my life. God forbid Alice be upset, or afraid, or angry- after all, isn't Alice the victim here? Isn't it Alice we have to protect? Of course! Alice is the sweetness in everyone's mouths that they choke on, tired of the sour aftertaste the streets are leaving on their tongues. But do you know something? I have lied to you, for you, so often that there are days I wonder where the truth begins. "Lie to me, Edri," you ask- you have ripped the truth out of my world and replaced it with nothing but despair and loneliness and empty blueprints full of lines that don't mean anything at all.

But maybe I needed something you had. Maybe there was something in you that I didn't have- your wickedness, your beauty, your preference for action instead of waiting. I needed that, and I was happy to find it in you- all you can think is that I'm one of those out to use you, but has it occurred to you that things might just be different?! Very quickly, I fell in love with you, and if my hands shake now then dammit I think you have given me enough cause. How the ******** am I supposed to live without seeing you every day? How the hell can Kaolin and Fai stand it, being so far away from each other...just being topside is enough to reduce me to tears every night, clawing at my eyes and harshly screaming for the distance that I cannot bridge between us. Listen to me, Alice! You've heard my screams. I know you have, you are too close to my mind to have missed them. They are yours, something else you have taken from me, and though I may be here waiting for you for an eternity, still I'll be begging you to look at me, to think that I might be worth something to you, to smile at me just one more time so that the sun will rise again. I want to be happy with you again, living somewhere that I can tell you stories and bring you shiny things to make you smile, baking you cookies and listening to the odd cheerful noses of your cell phone and voice as you chatter to Llaves. You won't believe in Fai, you won't believe in me, but it is everything I can do every single day to stop myself from believing in you. I can't. I have to run away, wrapping my arms around myself like a child until the guards bring Charlemagne to my door again, worried I will do myself harm- and perhaps I will, in time, but it is a price I would gladly pay a hundred times more. Though it may torture you, though you may hate it, the fact that I KNOW you are lying awake in your cell right now listening to the waves of my emotions makes my heart race. You are something that I can hold dear, something i can never lose, until the day you decide to take that away from me.

I don't know if you will ever understand, but there, I've said it. I'm in love with you. Do with it as you will, it's not doing me very much good right now.




Silence

I'm...feeling a little better today. Drained. I should have warned you that I get overemotional about everything. I hope you can sleep better tonight, I know I kept you awake...hope I didn't scare you. I'll try to lock it down so it doesn't bother you.