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 Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:04 pm
Yeah.. I don't like it much anymore, and I'm not even sure what I was talking about. But I like the way it flows, and wanted to put it up here for comments and such. Thanks! <3
Footprints in the Snow
I have a secret,
A horrible secret,
A secret you must know.
My dieing spirit does not leave,
Footprints in the snow.
As I walk, as I wander,
Straying to and fro,
I tend to see, I tend to follow,
Footprints in the snow.
I’m trying to find,
I’m trying to see,
Where I need to go.
Yet I cannot seem to find
Footprints in the snow.
I look about and then I
Hear the crying of a crow.
Then guiding me my way through the
Footprints in the snow.
I search ahead,
I search behind,
Then under my feet below,
A little trail, a little line of
Footprints in the snow.
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:53 pm
Very good! I like your use of repitition; you contradict yourself, however, when you say "My dieing spirit does not leave, Footprints in the snow." then afterward you talk of leaving said footprints. Other than that first stanza, though, not bad at all! biggrin
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 4:39 pm
Fandalaar Very good! I like your use of repitition; you contradict yourself, however, when you say "My dieing spirit does not leave, Footprints in the snow." then afterward you talk of leaving said footprints. Other than that first stanza, though, not bad at all! biggrin ^^ Thanks! I think what I was refering to at the end was the person finding a path to follow. I think. I don't exactly remember what I was writing about. xD
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:48 pm
very good, I was trying to think of a peom like that but only with sand..... mrgreen
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:25 pm
chebella very good, I was trying to think of a peom like that but only with sand..... mrgreen xD Thanks. <3
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Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 6:05 pm
wow. I like the repetition. The contradiction is cool to. I really like the meaning.
- <3 rose <3 -
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 7:45 am
The repetition was good and it had a nice rythm to it. I liked it!
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:14 am
Thanks so Tai and Bloody Rose. <33
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:47 am
hmmm...I see that repetition is a big thing with you, isn't it? Its not that it's a bad thing, you grasp the concept well enough to use it without being annoying with it. I've just noticed that you incorporate it into alot of your work.
I'd like to see a bit more variety from you, sticking to one method like this, it seems almost as if you're selling yourself short on creativity. Reading your work, you have alot of potential, so explore you r boundaries a bit more, I'm sure you'd come up with some really cool stuff. wink
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:40 am
Random NaySayer hmmm...I see that repetition is a big thing with you, isn't it? Its not that it's a bad thing, you grasp the concept well enough to use it without being annoying with it. I've just noticed that you incorporate it into alot of your work. I'd like to see a bit more variety from you, sticking to one method like this, it seems almost as if you're selling yourself short on creativity. Reading your work, you have alot of potential, so explore you r boundaries a bit more, I'm sure you'd come up with some really cool stuff. wink xD Mmk. I have a few poems actually, that I am working on. But my story is my main thing right now. I just wish I could get more people to read and give advice on it. @__@
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:55 am
Rando-poem.
Dream
An ebony abyss,
Yawning, opening
to swallow me.
Reality fades and
I am engulfed in
Fantasy.
Smooth worlds
woven from an
imagination.
Can you see through
the deceptions to the
truth?
For strands of reality
remain embedded in the
fog.
Yeah. >_> Why the form is like.. oddly broken up I don't know. But that's how it is. Old poem. Not repetitive, so I thought I'd post it. <3
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:54 pm
1st poem: Indeed, repitition is good, but the pace of the poem was very sporadic, and didn't seem controlled at all. For example, with Quote: I’m trying to find, I’m trying to see, I needed to slow down to keep in rhythm, but the words aren't all that new or exciting, which would warrant the change in pace, just a repitition (not so good, this time razz ) of the stanza above. 2nd poem: Uhhh those are just sentences separated by line breaks, not a poem. No rhythm, no repitition, no advanced wordplay, just sentences.
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 4:29 am
Footprint in the snow: Interesting but your first idea, I feel loses focus. For me, it sounds like you wanted to focues on your dying spirit but as the stanzas roll by you seem to not mention this dying spirit again. (Unless I'm missing something) The repeatition is good but the pattern that should be constant makes the poem not have a comfortable read. As long as it ain't about blood, guts and death and love, it's good in my books! 3nodding
Dream: I like the imagery the first stanza protrays: an abyss yawning to swallow you. I like that a lot! It does kinda sound like broken sentences but I think if you want the breaks to have some significanes you would need a word that you want us to think about and dewll on. Free verse is cool, but I understand it as must as I understand the construction of a PC... very little sad
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:37 am
Queeny Footprint in the snow: Interesting but you first idea, I feel loses focus. For me it sounded like you wanted to focues on your dying spirit but as the stanzas roll by you seem to not mention this dying spirit again. (Unless I'm missing something) The repeatition is good but the pattern that should be constant makes the poem not have a comfortable read. As long as it ain;t about blood, guts and death and love, it's good in my books! 3nodding Dream: I like the imagery the first stanza protrays: an abyss yawning to swallow you. I like that a lot! It does kinda sound like broken sentences but I think if you want then breaks to have some significanes you would need on a word that you want us to think about and dewll on. Free verse is cool, but I understand it as must as I understand the construction of a PC... very little sad Thanks. <3 Yeah... Footprints in the Snow is really weird, and hard to understand... I guess I kinda had this odd thought in my m ind, and wrote that to go with it, so no one could truely understand the poem unless they were me. Ah well. xD Anyways, and the Dream one... Yeah. It really is broken sentances, isn't it? xD That's alright, I wrote it when I was 11. I just kinda liked the idea. ^_^;
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:32 pm
I like your repitition with the footprints in the snow line. And I like the feeling to your poem. I didn't feel like it was talking about the same thing throughout the poem. Like was said before, you didn't say anything about the lost spirit anymore which kinda kept me at a loss. I liked how it flowed. Like you said before: You don't like the poem very much but you like how it flowed. You were right biggrin This reminded me of a short story I once wrote...
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