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 Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 8:56 pm
Poetry! ^_^ I thought it would be good to start with something that was semi-finished instead of a long story. ya know? So you could get a taste of how good/bad I am! ^_^ So here it is. Remembered Past Death
Your song, it called me.
You didn't know what you sang to
But you offered such a warmth.
I was pulled to become one with your heart
Though simple and sweet,
I can not pull away.
And though you think I've forgotten
I will always love you,
For as long as you visit my grave
And sing your sweet song,
that has always floated to me
I will never forget your friendship
Now, the scenery changed,
But the song is here too.
It has remained and I know
here in my heaven, it always will.
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:45 am
Wow, that was really good. It had alot of emotion, good rhythm, and good punctuation. The thrid stanza seemed a little weird, I think because the first two lines end as an incomplete sentence. Maybe if the period was a comma instead it would flow better. Overall, it was a very good piece! Keep up the good work!
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 8:43 pm
Cereah Wow, that was really good. It had alot of emotion, good rhythm, and good punctuation. The thrid stanza seemed a little weird, I think because the first two lines end as an incomplete sentence. Maybe if the period was a comma instead it would flow better. Overall, it was a very good piece! Keep up the good work! aw, thank you! ^_^ I really was just thinking of this cute innocent song I heard and it came to me!
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 10:16 pm
I thought that this was a very good and emotional poem. I liked it!
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:46 am
Whoa, what a bloodly moving poem. For some strange reason, I felt tears teasing at my eyes. It was the third stanza that hit me and made me realise that it's not someone singing to someone, say ,across the room, but from a grave, and not only that it is the dead person hearing the song!!!
I'm so moved. Well done. * salutes! crying
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 10:29 pm
*sniffle* Beautiful! I loved it, I really did. You shouldn't put yourself down, you've got real talent. *sniffle* I need a Kleenex!
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:28 pm
Very good, but a bit of critique. (Sorry I'm a guy, I don't give automatic praise for emotions. wink )
I'm not sure how much of this was purposeful, but a general effect I get here is that the first three lines of each stanza flow smoothly and quickly, but then I slow down at the fourth line. And since the fourth line carries the most meaning in this poem, I think that's great! You could intensify this effect, though, with a few corrections. Remove comma at end of line 2. Replace period with comma in line 5 (it's grammatically incorrect right now anyway). Replace "I have" with "I've" in line 7 so as not to slow down the reader too early. Remove comma in line 10 (it's grammatically incorrect) and insert at end of line 11 (slows down the reader right on time).
Now a real small but important vocab change since the last stanza is so important. Don't repeat "changed". Instead of negating it, work in the negative verb, something like "remained". Ex: "It has always remained and I know, here in my heaven, it always will." "Always sounds more uplifting and so makes the poem end on a brighter note anyway.
And finally, when you switched from "I was" to "I will" I kinda thought that the tense should shift more smoothly, that is, from past to present to future, instead of from past to future. For a great effect, see if you can change the two middle stanzas' last lines to present.
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Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 9:14 am
heh, I geuss you guys really do like it! ^_^ wow, I only heard the song that inspired it a couple times too! ^_^
Um, well ok Cyan~Fire, I will do my best to change it for the better!
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:02 am
wow verry nice.. I love the emotion in it... nice structure too...
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Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:32 pm
Thank you all for your support.
I really love the critics you have to offer and the double negative thing you told me about did make the poem better when changed.
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:42 am
Thank you all for letting me know what you think, give me a link if you want my opinion on a certian thing!
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