This is my collab with Hemp Fandango. I wrote the host segments and the two of us did the comments for the fic. Try to guess who plays who during the host segments!
In the not-too-distant future
let's say sometime next week
a former Yugoslavian rock star
was the mad scientist to beat!
In his lab below the earth
he found crappy fanfics – the very worst.
He got some people from all over the place
then he put them in a spaceship and shot them into space!
He'll send them those fanfics,
the worst of their kind.
Those people will have to read them all,
as they slowly lose their minds.
Now keep in mind they can't control
when the fanfics begin or end.
They'll slowly lose their sanity
watch as their minds bend!
RANDOM PEOPLE!!!!1
Marshal!
(I'm bland and uninteresting!)
Thom!
(People with lisps can't say my name!)
Alice!
(The doctor says I can't eat grapefruit.)
TAAAAABY!
(I'm wearing Thom's fez!)
If you're wondering why the USA
doesn't notice them in space.
Just repeat to yourself: they're all corrupt
and resume eating crème brulé.
AND READ MEGLOMANIA SCIENCE THEATER 2004!
Twang!
-
[We begin on the bridge of the Barry White Memorial Spacecraft. Alice Kerrigan, a pretty but sensibly dressed young woman, is standing on the center of the bridge. Canned applause greets her presence.]
Alice: Um, thanks?
Techie (Off Screen): Sorry Miss Kerrigan. I was just testing.
Alice: No problem. (she turns to the camera) Morning all, I'm Alice Kerrigan. Welcome to the Barry White Memorial Spacecraft. You, the well-read and discerning reader at home, may be wondering why I'm standing here in outer space. If the opening theme song didn't tell you, which it probably didn't because certain people have problems with rhyming...
Techie (OS): Your words jab into my soul like icicles, Kerrigan.
Alice: Then here's the scoop: Dr. Csaba Naciek, a former Yugoslavian rock star and current Yugoslavian mad scientist, chose five bystanders from the streets of Canada to be his lab rats. What's the experiment? We're going to be subjected to the worst fanfiction ever written by man, woman and fangirl. It has yet to be determined what these experiments will prove, but surely Dr. Naciek has his reasons, albeit evil and menacing ones.
[A red light starts to bleep]
Alice: Ah, that must be him now. [she pushes a button on the panel]
UNDERGROUND LAB:
[Dr. Naciek stands alone, holding a Tootsie Pop.]
Naciek: Very well then. If you will not divulge your secrets, I'm afraid it's into the ACID YOU GO! [he throws the Tootsie Pop into a bubbling vat of acid. There is a small explosion. He laughs for several moments before noticing Alice.] Oh! Yes, I called you, didn't I? Well then Alicia, I guess I should tell you about this week's experiment!
SPACESHIP:
Alice: Alice, Dr. Naciek, Alice.
UNDERGROUND LAB:
Naciek: Details, details. If everyone was so a**l as you, Alex, there'd be no bad fanfiction out there and peace in Israel! DO YOU WANT THAT, AMY? HM? THINK YOU WANT A WORLD WHERE THERE WAS NO DR. THINKER? OR OSCAR? IS THAT A WORLD YOU FIND IDEAL?
SPACESHIP:
Alice: Yes sir, I do. And please stop talking in all caps. It's scary.
UNDERGROUND LAB:
Naciek: Well then, I see someone has shown their true colors. Round up the gang, Kerrigan, I've got quite the experiment to start you off this week.
- COMMERICAL -
-WE'RE BACK AND PRESUMABLY YOU NOW WANT TO BUY A LEXUS OR COCAINE-
SPACESHIP:
[All four people are on the bridge Tabitha "Tabby" Wednesday, a wide-eyed girl with curly blond hair, stands next to Alice, looking dreamily at nothing. Marshal Fletcher, a confused looking man with long hair and a snappy ensemble, is seated in a chair in the center. Finally, Thom Darcy stands on the left side of the bridge and smokes a cigarette.]
Marshal: Well, we're here, we're queer. Wasn't Dr. Naciek going to tell us something?
Alice: He went to go get his assistant.
Thom: Woah. Dramatic pause.
Tabby: Like whoa, you guys. If we were supposedly randomly chosen, why are we all so awesome looking? I SMELL A CONSPIRACY!
Thom: Hey, I'm not complaining. [he points at Marshal who looks uncomfortable]
Tabby: Well, I am. Why aren't there more girls? That reeks of discrimination. I'm going to file a lawsuit against Dr. Naciek.
Marshal: First of all, shut up.
[There is a slight pause.]
Tabby: And?
Marshal: That pretty much covers it.
Thom: It doesn't really need a follow up.
Alice: People! People! We can't start fighting!
Thom: Or else the terrorists win!
Marshal: That has nothing to do with anything.
Thom: Doesn't it, though?
[The light begins to flash again]
Tabby: Oh look, Mr. Discrimination is calling.
Marshal: You'd think discrimination would be the least of our troubles, what with us being caught in space and all.
Tabby: Quiet, you woman! THAT'S RIGHT, I WENT THERE.
[Everyone stares at Tabby.]
Marshal: Um, I'm not-
Tabby: I SAID SILENCE! THERE WILL BE A RECKONING!
[Alice sighs and pushes the button.]
UNDERGROUND LAB:
[Dr. Naciek stands, laughing evilly]
Naciek: Number five! Oh, that's a good one. Oh, well then. I see you people haven't met my assistant! Introduce yourself... POMPOUS MAN!
[The Pompous Man walks on-screen. He's a somewhat portly man with neatly-combed brown hair. He is dressed in an expensive tan suit. He swirls his brandy menacingly, shakes his pipe, and adjusts his monocle.]
Naciek: Isn't he great, folks?
SPACESHIP:
Alice: Oh, that is so adorable!
Thom: I wish I had one of those in my household!
Tabby: Thank you Pompous Man, for teaching us how to love again.
UNDERGROUND LAB:
Pompous: Thank you all. I am rather charming, aren't I? (he looks in a convenient mirror) Oh, you handsome devil, you. Yes, you are a handsome devil. I do think that the tan suit makes you look dapper. Yes, indeed.
Naciek: Um, yes. Quite. Delightful. So my pets, your first assignment is quite... disgusting. I found it yesterday while I was searching for a good Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman fanfic. It's a Harry Potter fic that seems to feature the veil prominently. Oh, and there's a suspicious new girl. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. Pompous will e-mail it to you now. I must say, though, I pity you in a way. Well, I do if you replace "pity" with "laugh evilly at the sight of you all." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, delightful. Oh my, I'm evil. Send the fanfic, Pompous.
Pompous (still looking in the mirror): No, that doesn't look like a toupee.
Naciek: Why? Why did David Bowie turn down the sidekick part?
SPACESHIP:
Tabby: Suspicious new girls? Oh snap.
Marshal: Isn't that illegal?
Thom: Only in Idaho.
[Lights begin to flash, techno music starts to play]
Marshal: This means something, I just don't know what.
Tabby: IT MEANS SHUT UP AND DANCE!
Alice: I think it's FANFIC TIME!
Tabby: I LIKE MINE BETTER!
All: [scurry]
-
Door Six: A plain wooden door, it swings open and grants you passage.
Door Five: A garage door with a "5" painted on it. It slowly whirs up, stops in the middle, and goes back down.
Door Four: A revolving door – each door has a red "4" painted on it.
Door Three: Seemingly nothing, but then you fall into a hidden trap door.
Door Two: A bright pink door. Funky music is playing in the background. A bouncer nods and opens the door for you.
Door One: A vault. It slowly opens.
-
>A/N) I’m not gonna describe any character that I don’t own
Alice (As Author): It's, like, hard so I'm not going to bother! Go me!
Tabby: I can't afford to waste precious time on those unimportant losers.
Marshal (As Author): Heck, I'm not even going to describe those I do own. You're on your own, readers!
Thom: Know what? I'm glad. I could do without a purple prosey description of Draco's beautiful blond locks.
Tabby: And his leather pants.
>and so I will only be describing Sarah, her mother, Mimi Rodriguez and Mimi’s Dad.
Thom: And Floofy, the whimsical ferret!
Tabby: I demand more ferrets in fanfiction!
Tabby: Heck, I demand more ferrets period.
Marshal: I'm confused. Is Mimi Sara's mom? At least there's no confusion over who "Mimi's dad" is.
Alice: Poor Marshal. We all know that Mimi is an...ice sprite.
Tabby: I always thought Sprite Ice tasted like toothpaste.
>. Everyone else I sadly do not own…but I do have them locked in my closet! evil laughter
Thom: How odd this author is! bemused expression
Marshal: It's just easier all around to say "evil laughter" than just doing. That's practical thinking.
>Behind The Veil
Alice: The Britney Spears Story!
Tabby: Infront of The Toadstool
> Soft leather shoes could be heard scuffling down the halls of the Department of Mysteries, echoing along the stone passageway.
Marshal: How can we tell their leather by sound alone?
Tabby: The sound more like Duckies to me.
>Long dark navy blue robes swept behind the figure who was moving swiftly along, he turned a corner and he could begin to make out muffled voices coming from up ahead.
Thom: Important magic figure or German pop star? Only his mother truly knows!
Tabby: "Quick! Hide the booze!"
>He rounded the final corner to be faced with one of the biggest anomalies of the wizarding world,
Alice: Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, that smile ain't normal.
Tabby: Ryan Seacrest is a wizard? OMG I KNEW IT!
>the Credendia curtain. It was a veil, silver in colour and quite ragged in places and seemingly quite old, but this veil had made a man disappear two months ago and had just recently started to give off a faint iridescent light that changed colour every so often,
Thom: Well, that's just a sign of slight indigestion.
Marshal: It's a gay pride death veil!
>at the moment it was a pale pink in hue, highlighting the silhouettes of the five other people surrounding it.
Alice: The Spice Girls? I knew they were behind Sirius' death!
Marshal: How utterly *fabulous*
Thom: Down boy.
Tabby: No, it's the Power Rangers!
Tabby: Go go Power Rangers! You ethnically diverse group you.
>The newcomer came in and stood near the centre of the group who were waving their wands in intricate patterns in the air and examining the magical charts that popped up.
Tabby: "I'm betting fifty galleons on the fifth horse. You?"
Alice: Without Etch-A-Sketch, the wizard world has to find an outlet for random doodling.
>He gave a quick look to the curtain but then turned to a wizard on his left
Thom: "Are you as turned on as I am?"
Marshal: "No, and don't even think about the goats you sick b*****d."
> “Anything new Remus?”
Tabby: You know what would be nice? Knowing who these people are.
Alice: "Um, pink is in but Joan says that orange is now last-season."
Tabby: "I've discovered I secrete a powerful adhesive from my arms."
Marshal: "I've discovered I'm really just a big ol' ball of angst."
Thom: "I cry tears of blood."
>Said the man, turning once again to face the curtain. Remus shook his head.
Thom: "Damn. No frogurt for us, then?"
Marshal: "Hey Remus, do we know who I am yet?"
>"No Sir, we've been monitoring this damn thing all week and, apart from the light getting brighter, nothing about it seems to be different." He sighed and ran his fingers through his thinning hair.
Alice: That's description! SHE LIED TO US! I feel played and kind of thirsty.
Tabby: I feel like I'm dead inside and kind of outside.
>The rest of the group stopped what they were doing to converse with Remus and Albus Dumbledore.
Thom: Hey! You can't stop waving your wands and making sparkly stuff! Sparkly stuff!
Marshal: Abandoned games of Parcheesi riddle the floor...
Tabby: THE HORROR
Tabby: ... OF INDIGESTION
>"You know, this bloody curtain gets right boring when all it does is glow!"
Thom: What, you expect a curtain to entertain you? Juggle, maybe? A puppet show? DANCING GIRLS AND LIONS THROUGH HOOPS? ARE YOU THAT FAR OVER THE EDGE?
Tabby: And all you do is complain, and you get quite boring too... BORING AND SEXY.
Thom: I'm sorry. That's my problem and I'll deal with it on my own time. I just get so mad when people expect so much out of the poor veils.
Tabby: Let that possibly be a lesson to you.
>Tonks (who was currently sporting a blonde Mohawk) exclaimed as she rubbed her eyes "It's enough to make a person go blind!" She stretched and leaned on a nearby pillar, closing her eyes in a vain attempt to relax.
Tabby: An attempt that will soon be spoiled by swing dancing.
>Severus Snape spoke in a low tone to the group.
Alice: "Guys. I'm...peaking right now. I'm serious."
Marshal: "I really loathe everything, don't I?"
Tabby: "Why am I so amazing? And smexy?"
Thom: "Is it just me, or did the room get hotter when Albus came in here? Just saying..."
Tabby: "I hope no one minds I polished off the Chunky Monkey"
> "If you will excuse me I have some other matters to attend to, Albus" He said turning to the headmaster
Tabby: "Matters... yes... Coming, Lupin?"
Alice: "Those stains on my Khakis won't get out by magic, you know. Oh wait, they will."
Marshal: "I'd love to stick around, only I just realized I hate you and everything you associate yourself with."
>"I do not believe that we are making efficient use of our time, we should be searching for You Know Who not puttering around with this god forsaken rag."
Thom: LAY OFF THE DAMN SHROUD, PUNK
Tabby: LAY OFF MY PROFESSOR, MAN
Tabby: OR LAY ON HIM
Thom: MAYBE LATER.
Marshal: Tabby, you ruin everything. I just want you to know that.
Tabby: I'M FINE WITH THAT.
Alice: "I mean, we could be holding our "Beat Voldemort Bake Sale" and then go out for frogurt! But noooo, we have to watch the veil!"
>He sneered at the group "It has been two months. He will not come back." With that he turned on his heel and strode out of the Department.
Tabby: "Believe me, if he didn't come back when Lupin did that trick with the Yahtzee cups and some grapes, he won't come back for anything."
Thom: Snape's Hissy Fit brought to you by Sueauthors. Responding poorly to CC since the beginning of time.
Marshal: What, like on cave walls and stuff?
Thom: Yes. And before that: AMOEBAS!
Tabby: IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE
>For a moment there was silence as they considered his words, but the reverie was broken by Alistor Moody who, gruffly as always, spoke up.
Alice: "Who's up for cake?"
Marshal: "You guys will never guess who I saw kissing behind the viel!"
>"What crawled up 'is a**?" They all looked at him with a mix of disgust and confusion "What?" he questioned "We all know 'e 'ated Sirus but there's no use being a bloody sod about it!"
Thom: We've secretly replaced Moody with a loveable cockney bootblack. Let's see when they notice the difference.
Tabby: Because we all know how typical of Snape it is to be cheerful and patient!
Marshal: Especially for childhood nemesises... Nemeses?
> "Yes that was uncalled for," said Kingsley tiredly
Alice: I'm naming my rock band "Kingsley Tiredly"
Tabby: "Quick, which lovable auror am I again?"
Thom: "Um, the expendable one?"
Marshal: Someone replaced all of Kingsley's commas with absolutely nothing. Let's watch.
>But he does make a good point. Nothing has happened with the curtain and we all could be using our time a little more wisely& He trailed of with a yawn
Alice: Kingsley expresses what we all feel!
Marshal: "For example, we could be concerning ourselves with Harry. Remember him? Anyone?"
Tabby: Why, exactly, does a veil need six or so people to watch it?
Thom: Let's face it: Dumbledore isn't exactly an organizational genius.
>Dumbledore sighed "Very well then, I trust your judgement. It was probably just a blind hope that Sirus would return somehow," he paused reflectively
Alice: "Now, where are my pants?"
Tabby: "Which is exactly why I wanted everyone to stand around it for a few days, what the heck."
>"If you wish you may go, I am sorry I pushed you so hard these past few days. I will see you when we call the order together again, until then farewell."
Alice: "Don't forget! Bake sale next Thursday! Moody, bring cupcakes!"
Marshal: "Remember, Tonks, it's your turn to bring the orange slices for the kids!"
>One by one the group left to their respective homes until only Remus and Dumbledore were left by the veil, which was now glowing a sort of silver colour.
Marshal: Wow this is... interesting... for reals.
Thom: Are they going to get it on? Please no getting it on...
Tabby: You know, I think I saw a porn like this once.
>They both stood there staring at it, remembering.
Thom: "We've had a lot of good times together, veil."
Tabby: ...where they kept the funk.
Alice:...and Dumbledore's pants.
>Remus started to turn away and put a comforting hand on his shoulder,
Marshal: "You know, Remus, the adventures of an elderly wizard and a werewolf don't amount to a hill of beans in this world."
Tabby: "Oh, someone's been working out."
Thom: But was stopped by ALIENS
>he was about to leave when they both heard a soft buzzing, no, humming from behind the veil they both were blown back a few paces as the silver light grew so strong that it blinded them both for a moment.
Thom: "Blinded by the light! And OH MY GOD I REALLY AM BLIND DAMN YOU EASY LISTENING MUSIC"
Tabby: BLINDED by the light! WRAPPED UP like a duce etc.
Tabby: AH GET OUT OF MY HEAD
Tabby: AND INTO MY CAR
Thom: You're a flirty one, aren't you?
Tabby: Yes. No. Poland.
> When they could see again they could just make out the silhouette of a person behind the veil,
Marshal: It's Kim Catrall!
Alice: She's come from the future to avenge mankind's sins.
>although their sight could only do so much good as the humming grew to a deafening roar. Both of them ran up to as close as they dared only to be blasted back by another shaft of silver light.
Tabby: ... through ICE CREAM.
Thom: Can you dig it?
Tabby: Hee hee... "shaft".
>As they were blasted back Remus felt something collide with his upper torso,
Thom: Jesus?
Tabby: Survey says... "I'm dying."
>causing him to fall with said object on top of him. His eyes snapped open to reveal a girl, no more than 15 or 16, in muggle clothing, on top of him!
Alice: Ah, every fangirl's dream.
Tabby: I know I've seen a porn like this once.
Marshal: Oh, Remus. You heart breaker you.
>She was carrying a rather large black bag which weighed her down considerably. As Remus did his best to get her off him, Dumbledore was examining the veil once again.
Marshal: Nuts to the girl, this flimsy shiny thing is WAY more interesting.
Tabby: The veil is where Sues come from? Well I'll be.
Alice: I always thought they came from Boise.
Tabby: They come from outer space!
>It had stopped humming but had returned to the weak coloured glow once more.
Thom: So it's entered the "crooning" phase.
Marshal: WAY more interesting.
> He turned back to Remus and their new…acquisition.
Alice: "Well Remus...shall we eat her?"
Tabby: "She'll fetch a lovely price on the black-market."
> "Albus…" Remus said "How?" they both kneeled down beside the girl.
Tabby: "I bet this all has something to do with that smart mouth cactus!"
Thom: "How would I know? It's not like there's a manual for this or anything."
Marshal: "This is just a hunch, but I think she came out of the veil."
>"I'm not sure Remus, I'm not sure. But we may as well find out who we are speaking of." Dumbledore brushed the girls long dark hair aside to reveal a shocking sigh
Alice: She was really LINDA FIORENTINO
Marshal: She has THREE NOSES!
Tabby: Wait, how could they tell what her name was by looking at her face?
Thom: They're magic.
Tabby: I'm pretty sure magic doesn't work that way.
Thom: And I'm pretty sure you're a communist.
>….the girl was an amazing likeness to the late Sirus Black!
Marshal: SHOCK!
Thom: Also: she was on fire.
Tabby: All for the best, really.
Marshal: Okay, seriously, what do you want to bet she's Sirius' daughter?
Tabby: Or his reincarnation as a woman?
Thom: I think she's really a manifestation of the author's inner desires. Just throwing out a random guess, though
Tabby: Pah. PAH I SAY.
Thom: You said it.
Marshal: Maybe the author will surprise us with an amazing twist... like the OC is interesting and flawed and not related to Sirius.
Marshal: Ha ha, I'm kidding of course.
Tabby: Can we go?
Alice: Yep, intermission.
-
[The MST crew assembles on the bridge. Alice seats herself in the cushy chair in the center, Thom and Marshal lean against opposite sides on the control panel. Tabby sits on a stool.]
Alice: This was more painful that I imagined.
Marshal: It just kept…going.
Tabby: I shall lie awake at night wondering why Moody spoke with a cockney accent.
[The four all look around.]
Alice: What do we do now?
Thom: Cajun dance party! Cajun dance party!
Marshal: No. If you ever suggest that again, I WILL kill you.
Tabby: So, what do crazy and attractive people like us do when we have spare time?
Alice: Karaoke?
Tabby: BRILLIANT IDEA!
Thom: I'm down with that.
Marshal: I'm not. Though I may look like the guitarist for some band called "Poisonous Platoon of Jellyfish" or "The Hopeless Popes", I can't sing.
Tabby: Poor misguided Marshal. The object of karaoke is not to showcase your singing skills! It's to show how socially inept you are so that people can laugh at you and thus feel better about themselves!
Marshal: Well, if you put it that way…
Alice: Wait, do we even have a karaoke machine?
Techie (OS): Sorry Kerrigan, karaoke comes next week.
Tabby: Blast!
Thom: How about we get drunk and make popcorn?
Marshal: Or make clever paper-mache crafts?
Tabby: Or fight terrorism from the comfort of our own homes?
Alice: Or write bad poetry?
Techie (OS): Or sit in an off-screen booth and sob silently that no one likes you?
[There is a silence.]
Tabby: Why would we do that?
Techie (OS): Just contributing to the conversation.
[The LAB LIGHT flashes]
UNDERGROUND LAB:
[Dr. Naciek and The Pompous Man stand. Dr. Naciek is applying his glitter nail polish.]
Naciek: Ah! So you've so survived your first experiment! Well, my pixies, your day's work is not yet completed! There is a second fanfic for you to read! And it's much worse than the other one! Tell them all about it, Pompous.
Pompous: Thank you, herr doctor.
Naciek: I'm Yugoslavian.
Pompous: Such is life.
Naciek: You make no sense.
Pompous: And you do?
Naciek: Point taken.
Pompous: Your next fanfic is a delightful piece of flotsam known as "Malfoy And The New Girl". The title is nowhere near as bad as the actual fic, which mingles chatspeak with pure grammar and typos in an array of sheer contempt for all rules of English. It also has a heroine named "Solaria" and a Mother!Sue named Raven. Feeling the heat now, boys and girls? A-ha-ha-ha!
SPACESHIP:
Thom: I don't care if he's evil – he's still adorable.
[the lights flash again]
Tabby: Put your hands up in the air like you just don't care!
Thom: Drop the funk, soul sister. We've got FANFIC TIME!
-
>Malfoy And The New Girl
Alice: This has promise!
Tabby: Do I smell wacky hijinks at a magical school? I think so!
>AUTHOR NOTE: Hi! I'm kinda a new author
Alice: Well, I applaud her courage for using such an original and groundbreaking idea for her first story.
Tabby: "But I'm also an old sea captian."
Thom: "And I'll be your server tonight."
Marshal: I bet she holds her fic hostage for reviews.
>....but i hope to be really great one day! if you want to help me review but no flames or critics please
Marshal: Yeah, criticism never helped anyone.
Thom: Hey, she could grow up to be Anne Rice!
Tabby: "I will also dance on request."
>....you people really suck flaming new authors like us.
Thom: And YOU really suck for using b*****d ellipses. Please stop.
Marshal: It's alright to flame if they're old authors, I guess.
> -- oh well, its not a problem.
Tabby: But you just said... but... wha?
>OKAY my sotry is about Draco Malfoy and a new girl.
Thom: And a human ear.
Marshal: "AND NOTHING ELSE"
> Her name is Solaria, which is a COOL NAME!
Alice: "And her last name is Toyota lol"
Tabby: So is HARLOT but you don't see me naming my kids that.
Tabby: And by kids, I mean dish towels.
>LOL sry i just like it. its also about overcoming prejudices.
Alice: A Very Special Fanfiction.
Tabby: I read that as "prejuices". That was a confusing few seconds.
> or i hope it will be, i'm just starting. LOL.
Marshal: Always a heartening sign. The author doesn't even know what's going to happen.
Thom: Hey, when I write I have no idea where I'm going. Then again, maybe that's why Fiction Alley rejected me.
Tabby: I was rejected because of all the necrophilia.
>ok let's get started!! biggrin
PROLOGUE
Marshal: Yep. It's a prologue all right.
>Draco Malfoy woke up to the sound of his house elf, Smelli. "Mister draco!" he squeaked.
Alice: At least the Malfoys are being characterized as evil.
Marshal: Smelli. SMELLI.
Alice: You have to be cruel to name your house-elf that.
Tabby: Kreacher, Dobby, Winky, Smelli? Nah, not seeing it.
>"What, Smelli?"
"It's is time to go to the school, Mister draco sir!"
Marshal: "Then it's time to die."
Tabby: Smelli makes me miss Bollocksy.
>Draco groaned.
Thom: "Blast. I'm trapped in Sue fanfiction again. Oh, why must I have pissed off Bob Barker?"
Tabby: Bob Barker: Ruiner of Worlds
>"Aw come on Smelli, must i now?"
The elf nodded.
"Okay, whatever. let me get dressed."
Tabby: "And let me watch, master!"
Marshal: This is... really... exciting.
Alice: Don't worry. It'll pick up when SOLARIA shows up.
>"SOLARIA!" Raven shouted.
Thom: WOAH NO TRANSITION
Thom: Who the hell is Raven? Is this a double feature?
Tabby: Raven! What the heck are you doing here! You're supposed to be meditating at Titan Tower, you fool!
Marshal: Nope. Not seeing any excitement.
>Solaria awoke suddenly, screaming.
Tabby: "Ahh! I'm in a bad fic!"
Alice: Band camp!
>"We have to get ya to the station, girl." Solaria's mom, Raven, said with a smile.
Thom: That's SO Raven.
Marshal: That's SO I hate you.
Thom: And yet you love me.
Tabby: How many Ravens are there in pop culture today? 7? 8? Hundred?
>"Come on, you just transfered here from New York Magic Acadamy and you don't want to be late for your first day at Hogwarts."
Tabby: OH SWEET FANCY MOSES THIS IS SO GROUND BREAKING
Alice: "Yeah! And let's deliver some exposition while we're at it!"
Marshal: Would it be silly of me to ask why she transferred?
Thom: Got to be the drugs.
Marshal: Or was it love?
>"I wonder what a british school will be like." Solaria wondered.
Alice: Let's hope the author knows.
Tabby: My prediction: British school will be filled with whipped cream.
>Raven laughed. "It's really fun but diferrent. They've got different "houses" over there. I was a Hufflepuff - see what your going to be."
Marshal: "Hufflepuff is the loser house, mother."
Alice: I doubt she'll end up being in Hufflepuff. It's well and good for supporting characters, but she needs access to Draco and sex.
Tabby: She also needs some understanding and love.
Thom: And Nutella.
>"What are houses?"
Thom: She's awfully dim, isn't she? Maybe THAT'S why she transferred.
Tabby: "They are things you live in when you're a Hobbit." Wait, that's not right... yet.
>Raven laughed.
Thom: The laugh of a broken record.
Marshal: "Ha ha, you're so amazingly stupid."
Tabby: *Canned laughter*
>"Well, Solaria, they're special places in the school that you go to depending on what your like. Smart people go in Ravenclaw, brave people go in Griffyndor, strong-willed people go in Hufflepuff and evil people go in Slytherin."
Alice: "No exceptions, dammit!"
Tabby: Slytherin: A house of evil and lies. And monkies.
Tabby: EVIL MONKIES
>"Thats not fair, ma. im sure not everyone in slytherin is evil or anything."
Marshal: "No, they're all evil. They have human sacrifice Tuesdays and EVERYTHING."
Thom: I bet you all six hundred dollars she ends up in Slytherin.
>Raven laughed again.
Thom: Oh, MAKE HER STOP
Tabby: Oh, Raven. She finds humour in every situation.
>Yah, that was kinda unfiar. well i guess slytherins are people with lots of ambition...the kind that grow up to be really powerful."
Marshal: And as we all know power = evil.
Thom: Raven's just a simple Hufflepuff. What do you expect?
Marshal: I expect gold, that's what.
>"Like dad?"
Thom: OH BURN!
Tabby: Uh oh. Please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going.
>Raven frowned. "Let's not talk about your dad, hon. Come on, get ready. We need to be at the station in fifteen minutes!"
Tabby: Sweet fancy Moses it is going where I think it is!
Alice: Now, all that's left to do is pray. And dance. Dance the night away.
Tabby: First: we must locate the funk.
Thom: I'll call Duran Duran.
>Raven left the room. Solaria sighed and got out of bed.
Alice: "Woke up this morning, got myself a gun..."
Marshal: "And now it's time to meet the morning with a smile on my heart and a song in my face. Wait."
>She wondered all about this Hogwarts place. Would it be any fun? Would she make any friends? What house would she be in? Would she meet her father when she was there?
Tabby: *Weeps*
Marshal: Will she be pretty? Will she be rich?
Thom: Will the other kids laugh at her unsightly nose hairs? Will she ever love again?
Tabby: No! Love is against the law!
>She got undressed and slipped into a sweet black outfit. she put on her black makeup and walked out the door where her mom looked at her with dissaproval.
Alice: "You just hate me because I'm black."
Tabby: "Not nearly whorish enough. Go back upstairs and get the trowel, missy."
>"Solaria Finn! Are you going to school like that?"
Thom: I bet her father's name is "Dorsal".
Marshal: I bet I hate you.
Thom: That's not what you said last night.
Tabby: He's right. I was there.
Marshal: I don't remember seeing you.
>"Yeah why?"
"You look like a harlot! God! U should go get dressed like a proper English person right now!"
Alice: When Raven gets mad she slips in and out of chatspeak.
Tabby: "You can't look different from the English persons!"
Thom: "Get up there and put on some tweed, missy."
Marshal: "And a bowler hat! And God help me, if you don't start drinking tea..."
>Solaria fumed and walked back into the room. Raven rocked, but she could kinda be stuffy sometimes.
Tabby: Raven: Ruiner of dreams and killer of puppies.
Thom: But boy: is she a snappy dresser.
>SHe looked in the mirror and for once liked what she saw.
Alice: "Hey, I no longer loathe myself!"
Marshal: "Whoa, my breasts are huge! Alright!"
> she had deep black hair that went down to her shoulders. her nose was kinda crooked, but it didn't make her look ugly.
Tabby: *Weeps more*
>her eyes were ebony like the night. her makeup made her look like a goth, which was kinda neat. she always liked gothic music, like linkin park and evanesence.
Thom: I AM EBONY LIKE THE NIGHT
Tabby: I wish I could travel in time like she obviously can.
Alice: Well, maybe she has a time-turner. EVER THINK OF THAT
Tabby: YES AND THEN I DANCED
>but she complied with mother raven,
Thom: MOTHER RAVEN?
Tabby: OH SNAP!
>and removed the makeup and dressed like a catholic schoolgirl. she went back downstairs and Raven nodded her approval.
Marshal: She just likes the shorter skirt
Thom: So, she dressed up in a short skirt and a tight blouse? Yeah, that's better.
>"Lets roll."
Tabby: Let's not.
>-
So waddya think?
Alice: Let's ask Tabby. Tabby?
Tabby: I think my hand is numb.
Tabby: Damn yoga.
Thom: I think my brain is numb. Damn fanfic.
Marshal: I think I'm full of love and ice cream, but not in that order.
>Should i make draco and solaria in love?
Thom: Should you rot in hell?
Marshal: Yes, because no one will see it coming!
Tabby: I think Solaria should fall in love with Smelli.
> should i give solaria a sister?
Tabby: Yes, and it should also be Smelli.
Thom: GASP GREAT IDEA
>should i maybe make blaise an important character (lol is blaise a girl or a guy? i picture him as a guy who looks kinda like the guy from smallville YUM)
Alice: Oh yeah! The guy from Smallville...which guy?
Thom: Kevin Zegers was on Smallville. ::sage nog::
Marshal: You and Kevin Zegers.
Marshal: Why don't you just marry him.
Thom: Gay marriage, eh? WHY, THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!
Tabby: OR IS IT?
>review please but dont flame that hurts. sad
Alice: You hurt.
Tabby: You know what else hurts? Freezing to death. Just sayin'.
>MAGE 9 OUT!
Thom: THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR AUTHOR NAME
Marshal: Maybe it was plagiarized? Badly?
Alice: Hey, yeah. I WROTE THIS FIC. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MAGE 9
Tabby: GASPO
Alice: I HAVE A FIXATION WITH THE NAME "SMELLI"
Tabby: I HAVE A FIXATION WITH YOU OH BURN.
Alice: Let's get out of here. Part of brain melted and I directly blame the fanfic.
-
[Everyone re-assembles on the bridge. No one bothers to sit down.]
Tabby: From now on, call me Smelli Dorsal Solaria.
Thom: How about we get drunk instead?
Alice: Anything to take my mind off that sludge.
Marshal: Agreed.
Techie (OS): Again guys, sorry. No alcohol is allowed on the ship.
Tabby: But me no function beer without!
Marshal: Come on, not even some Mike's Hard Lemonade?
Techie (OS): Nope.
Marshal: Brazilian beer?
Techie (OS): Nope.
Marshal: Not even 99 cent wine?
Techie (OS): What part of "no alcohol" don't you understand?
Marshal: The alcohol part.
Alice: I'm sure we can get along without alcohol. We'll just drink Dr. Pepper!
Techie (OS): No fizzy drinks, either.
Alice: No…fizzy…drinks…?
Techie (OS): No.
Alice: IS THERE ANY POINT IN LIVING ANYMORE??? GOD, WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO.
God (OS): Pipe down, I'm trying to sleep!
Alice: God?
Naciek (OS): Well, not really. Sorry. I just think of it that way. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. Because next time, it won't be that easy. You'll all die! DIE! Now, enjoy these words from our sponsors.
THE END!
Reply
