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The reason why I can sleep at night is because of this. Since I am constantly worring about if Im ever gonna make it somewhere in life.

I worry that Im never going to get over all my learning disabilities such as a certain type of dyslexia and a complicated reading comprehension which causes me to not understand and remember what I read. Which does not help when Im already struggling to pass every class except Band/Royal Blues and Choir/Royalairs. Im just glad that I have some great teachers that are willing to work with me for hours seperately to make sure that I understand what Im doing.

I worry that I'll never make it to CU Boulder, the college I've been in love with since I was 10 and had convinced myself that I was going to attend there and stay permately in Colorado and never leave again. Its always been considered home for me, California is just temperary. But it doesn't help when both my parents tell me at least once (sometimes more) a day that I'm never gonna finish high school. Everytime they tell me that, it just makes me want to drop out more. I've considered many times of dropping out and persuing my photography. But I've had to many people tell me not too.

And ontop of this, its just finally hitting me that my grandma died. She was my best friend, I could tell her anything. There were no lies between us. But now that shes gone, I feel that I have no one, sure i still have a handful of friends I trust my life with, its just that no one can replace my grandma. I love you grandma lupe, ill miss you always. nunca me olvidare de lo que me ensenaste. nunca podre compensarte. Te amo.<3

And about the physical pain of it all. Weekly I get chest pains that are so bad that i feel like if im going to pass out, and on one occasion I did. Same with shortness of breath. I find myself going blue becuase of it. But yet Im scared to tell someone.



Thanks for all of you who actually took time to read this. I know a lot of people go tl;dr but for all of you who did read it, thanks. Sorry if this seems emo-ish and screaming for attention-ish...but everyone has their flaws.

i hate anxiety.
i get really nervous when i try new drugs or something. i'm really gulliable and passive so someone could convince me I'm dying or some s**t and i probably would end up dying ahah.

well not that dramatic but its a b***h to carry around. i cant roll with people who mess with people...