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 Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 9:09 am
"Where am I?" a lone boy spoke, picking himself up. He had fallen down through the floor above him. It must have been termites. He stopped, listening. Did they know he was here? He hurried over through the hallway in front of him. It led to a room, and in the middle of the room was a huge device. A button glowed invitingly. He pressed it. The device shook furiously, finally releasing a shockwave that knocked him back. As the boy's vision cleared, he noticed something new. It was a scaled egg, and it was hatching...
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 5:55 pm
It's a little short, and could have more detail to add more suspense to it...
but with that being said, 'tis suspensful.
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:01 pm
Not very suspenseful. Intriguing! But not suspenseful. Suspense is when you're anxious and afraid. This was just an anxious curiosity.
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 5:41 am
Tis okay. I mean, tisn't horrid, like some Edgar Guest thing, but tisn't like some awesome story of awesomeness, ya dig? Tis like, pretty good, except tisn't any feeling. Before we ask "What will happen next?" We already have "What's his name?" And "What's the square root of pi?" floating in our brains. Tis more like the beginning of a Round Robin.
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 11:54 am
Not a bad attempt. I find it a little too short and lacking in detail. It does interest me though, and I look forward to see where you take it. wink
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 5:55 pm
It's actually part of a story I'm working on. I didn't have a lot of time to write alot, so I put down what I could. And there is no square root of pi...but thanks for the critique. Here's a little longer and more detailed version:
"Run!" the messenger declared as he rode in on the dune buggy. "You're all in danger!" Seconds later, his warning came to fruition. Bombs started falling on the town, leaving it in ruin. The entire population started running away, including a lone boy named Nezuka. Quickly, he jumps behind a chunk of debris onto a wooden landing. As hit feet land, the ground gives way. Nezuka falls down a short shaft into a tunnel. Halls stretch before and behind him.
"Where am I?" Nezuka says to himself. It must have been termites that weakened the landing. He remembers the bombs outside. He stopped, listening. Did they know he was here? Quickly, he runs down the hallway in front of him. He halts, coming into a room. In the middle of the room was a huge device. A button glowed invitingly. He pressed it. The device shook furiously, finally releasing a shockwave that knocked him back. As the boy's vision cleared, he noticed something new in a nest on the ground next to the machine. It was an egg, with sharp, pointed purple scale-like protrusions. It was shaking, like it was hatching.
Voices came through the hallway towards Nezuka. Nezuka looked around, trying to find a way out, but there wasn't any. He grabbed the egg, trying to hide behind the machine. The voices were growing closer. The egg started shaking more violently as they entered the room. They weren't humans, though being humanoid in shape. They were like a black void, their red eyes glowing intensely. Suddenly the egg hatched, and a creature came out, covered in those same scale-like protrusions. It looked vaguely bird-like. The creature looked up at Nezuka, then at the voids. It let loose a loud shrill, then flew straight at them. It attacked with enormous speed, shredding through them with ease. The voids dissapeared, and the creature flew back to Nezuka, nestling itself in his lap...
That's all I have so far for the story.
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:29 pm
well the first piece held nothing of what you wanted. If you wnt suspense take it s-l-o-w-l-y my friend...
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 7:34 am
legendary_gaidenmc It's actually part of a story I'm working on. I didn't have a lot of time to write alot, so I put down what I could. And there is no square root of pi...but thanks for the critique. Here's a little longer and more detailed version: "Run!" the messenger declared as he rode in on the dune buggy. "You're all in danger!" Seconds later, his warning came to fruition. Bombs started falling on the town, leaving it in ruin. The entire population started running away, including a lone boy named Nezuka. Quickly, he jumps behind a chunk of debris onto a wooden landing. As hit feet land, the ground gives way. Nezuka falls down a short shaft into a tunnel. Halls stretch before and behind him. "Where am I?" Nezuka says to himself. It must have been termites that weakened the landing. He remembers the bombs outside. He stopped, listening. Did they know he was here? Quickly, he runs down the hallway in front of him. He halts, coming into a room. In the middle of the room was a huge device. A button glowed invitingly. He pressed it. The device shook furiously, finally releasing a shockwave that knocked him back. As the boy's vision cleared, he noticed something new in a nest on the ground next to the machine. It was an egg, with sharp, pointed purple scale-like protrusions. It was shaking, like it was hatching. Voices came through the hallway towards Nezuka. Nezuka looked around, trying to find a way out, but there wasn't any. He grabbed the egg, trying to hide behind the machine. The voices were growing closer. The egg started shaking more violently as they entered the room. They weren't humans, though being humanoid in shape. They were like a black void, their red eyes glowing intensely. Suddenly the egg hatched, and a creature came out, covered in those same scale-like protrusions. It looked vaguely bird-like. The creature looked up at Nezuka, then at the voids. It let loose a loud shrill, then flew straight at them. It attacked with enormous speed, shredding through them with ease. The voids dissapeared, and the creature flew back to Nezuka, nestling itself in his lap... That's all I have so far for the story. Okay dokie. I'm not very good at critiquing things... But.. Here it goes. I'll do it by paragraph.
Paragraph 1: The way the story is presented... It's rather confusing. I don't know what it's called, but you seem to go from two slightly different points of view. Okay, now I make no sense. Anyways.. This place he falls into. Is it dark? Is it lit? Dirt? Made of wood? Cement? Is it like a cave with tunnels? Or like an underground building? More description here.
Paragraph 2: More description about the device. Take it slowly. Describe the device itself. Is it made of metal? Is it.. Giving off heat? Glowing? Humming perhaps?
Paragraph 3: The description about the humanoid creatures it kinda.. Odd. You say somehting about the voices drawing nearer, then entering... I dunno. I'm bad at this editing stuff. I don't realyl know how to describe it, but you overuse 'they' alot. Like.. How many of the creatures are they? Where are they entering from? Oh, and when the creature hatches... Maybe more description abotu the egg breaking. Like... Nezuka was holding the egg right? Well did he get slime on his hands? Did the shell break everwhere?
Okay. I'm gonna stop now. I'm just making myself sounds stupid. >_> Good idea though. It has good potential. But for more suspense, more description in those places I mentioned, and like Queeny said... S-l-o-w-l-y.
Anyways.
Ta.
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 2:11 pm
Thanks for the input. Ill see what I can do.
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 4:42 pm
Amyane Okay dokie. I'm not very good at critiquing things... But.. Here it goes. I'll do it by paragraph.
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:54 pm
Queeny Amyane Okay dokie. I'm not very good at critiquing things... But.. Here it goes. I'll do it by paragraph.
Huh? confused
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:56 pm
Amyane Queeny Amyane Okay dokie. I'm not very good at critiquing things... But.. Here it goes. I'll do it by paragraph.
Huh? confused nada!
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:06 am
Queeny Amyane Queeny Amyane Okay dokie. I'm not very good at critiquing things... But.. Here it goes. I'll do it by paragraph.
Huh? confused nada! -mild confusion- xD
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:10 pm
legendary_gaidenmc It's actually part of a story I'm working on. I didn't have a lot of time to write alot, so I put down what I could. And there is no square root of pi...but thanks for the critique. Here's a little longer and more detailed version: "Run!" the messenger declared as he rode in on the dune buggy. "You're all in danger!" Seconds later, his warning came to fruition. Bombs started falling on the town, leaving it in ruin. The entire population started running away, including a lone boy named Nezuka. Quickly, he jumps behind a chunk of debris onto a wooden landing. As hit feet land, the ground gives way. Nezuka falls down a short shaft into a tunnel. Halls stretch before and behind him. "Where am I?" Nezuka says to himself. It must have been termites that weakened the landing. He remembers the bombs outside. He stopped, listening. Did they know he was here? Quickly, he runs down the hallway in front of him. He halts, coming into a room. In the middle of the room was a huge device. A button glowed invitingly. He pressed it. The device shook furiously, finally releasing a shockwave that knocked him back. As the boy's vision cleared, he noticed something new in a nest on the ground next to the machine. It was an egg, with sharp, pointed purple scale-like protrusions. It was shaking, like it was hatching. Voices came through the hallway towards Nezuka. Nezuka looked around, trying to find a way out, but there wasn't any. He grabbed the egg, trying to hide behind the machine. The voices were growing closer. The egg started shaking more violently as they entered the room. They weren't humans, though being humanoid in shape. They were like a black void, their red eyes glowing intensely. Suddenly the egg hatched, and a creature came out, covered in those same scale-like protrusions. It looked vaguely bird-like. The creature looked up at Nezuka, then at the voids. It let loose a loud shrill, then flew straight at them. It attacked with enormous speed, shredding through them with ease. The voids dissapeared, and the creature flew back to Nezuka, nestling itself in his lap... That's all I have so far for the story. Like Queeny said the only way to build suspence is for things to go by slowly. Not devistatingly slow mind you. You also should have a little more detail as far as the environment, what it looks like and exactly what is happening. The egg, the thing coming out of the egg, and possibly the "humanoid" things coming should be described more. Over all I do think this very well done. Good job.
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:49 pm
okay, even though everyone else is right, I can't critique you very hard for this one, because I know exactly where you're coming from. I do this all the time. it's easy to get so eager to reach your favorite part of the plot or to finish the piece that you get kinda careless with everything else. all your good descriptions, thoughts, ideas, just fly out your right ear. (left for some, but i'm right handed... i'm babbling now, aren't i?) now that you've reached the end, written the best part, gotten your thoughts down, it's easier to think at a normal pace and add in all those good thoughts and descriptions. Follow some of the leads that these other guys have. they may look strange, but they know what they're talking about. mrgreen
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