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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 2:41 pm
The Wall by Kayla I wake up with a start. Looking around, it is clear that I am not in the same place I was when I laid my head down on the pillow. I am now lying on cold grey steps. I jump up and suddenly hear a loud, low tune. I scream but calm myself as I look down. My bass guitar I have called Dirnt, is right next to me. I am not completely alone in this strange new world. The only thing that has not changed is Dirnt, and my black pinstripe pajamas I wore last night. I hug my bass guitar, and look out onto the field of dry green grass. There seems to be nothing out there for miles. Just endless yards of grass. It is lonely, yet somewhat calming. I look out onto the horizon and see the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen in my life. If you could even call it a sun. For what is setting is nothing like the sun I’ve seen every day of my life. No, not at all. This gorgeous ball of light is a magenta color, not the ugly yellow color my sun is. This sun also does not hurt my eyes. It almost looks like a painting, not a real sun at all. This makes it beautiful, for the sun back in the normal world is too bright to even look at. The sun seems to draw me towards it, so I stand up, wrap my bass guitar strap around my neck, and start walking towards the sunset. For a moment’s time I look down and search for any means of wildlife. A bunny, fox, even a spider would be a sight for sore eyes. But, I am alone in this field. Not even a fly buzzes past. I look back at the sun, but something tells me to look back at the grey steps where I first look up. I do, reluctantly, and notice something that amazes me. The dull grey steps lead up the a huge red brick wall. Why had I not noticed that at first? On each side of the wall there are sheets of a foggy material. What could be in there? I wonder. “Well, curiosity killed the cat,” I sigh and start walking towards the right side of the wall. When I burst through it feels like I have been traveling for a very long time, and I am extremely hungry. But, to my dismay, there seems to be no food anywhere around this place. But, besides being hungry, I feel a sad presence surrounding this place. This sad presence does not affect me. I am overcome by joy in my heart. A joy I can not define, for I have no reason to be happy and joyous. Instead, I should feel sad, like this place intended me to feel. Nevertheless, I feel sublime. But, it isn’t just the feeling that’s wrong, the whole place is a dull color. Faint colors of blue, grey, and black. It is hard to breath here, the air is moist yet thin, as if I am at the top of mountain. All that’s in this place is dull blue grass and little sidewalks around the perimeter. No living thing in sight. I walk down the side of the brick wall, allowing my fingers to run along the lines of the bricks. Suddenly my hand touches something smooth, not gritty like the brick wall. The smooth object is a door, roughly four by four feet. It is a nice, welcoming canary yellow. I smile, and place my hand on the doorknob. I open the door and step through. Instantly I am flooded with sadness. The city before me has a golden tint to it, and it is filled with people, cars, everything a city needs. “Hello, sir?” I ask as a man with slick blonde hair and a dark blue suit passes by, without a glance. He doesn’t even know I’m here. He strolls off in the distance. For some reason I feel empty here. I feel alone, friendless, stupid, worthless. Why I am so depressed, I do not know. I hug Dirnt and continue to walk. Then I notice something strange about this place. Everyone’s hair is perfectly groomed, everyone’s except mine. I must look like a creep. I grown and tug at my long, unruly, dark brown hair. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but I can’t do anything about it. I have no brush or hat. I walk along the streets, and notice a bar called The New Mug Alehouse and walk in. I sit down on a chair at the back wall. The bar is very small, and everyone in it is very drunk and happy. Everyone except me, of course. The barkeeper doesn’t even ask me for a drink. I would take anything right now to settle my stomach whether it was gin or rabbit. I walk up to the bar and grab the bowl of peanuts. The bar tender looks at me with emotionless eyes. Yes, his face is smiling, but his eyes are not. “You don’t just steal things, little miss.” He saws in a southern drawl. His smile scares me, and I back away. “I-I’m sorry sir, you see, I’ve never been here before, and I’m really hungry. I have no money on me, as I have been traveling for a long time. Please if you could spare some food and drink, that would be nice. Please sir.” His eyes seem to pierce my soul, but he takes out a gallon-sized bag of peanuts and a mug of brandy, and hands them to me. I’ve never drunk alcohol before, but do not dare ask for anything else. “Thank you sir, that’s all I ask.” I go and sit down on the same chair I sat on before, sipping the brandy. It is bitter, and most likely the most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth, but it’s all I have. I drink about half a mug and start on the peanuts. I realize at this moment that I hate peanuts. I wince, and try my hardest to swallow them. The hunger is worse than the taste. “Alright everyone, get out your instruments, we gonna play us a song!” The bartender announces. All at once people pull out their instruments. Some have banjos, some have harmonicas, all the instruments needed to make a country band. I slide my hands down Dirnt’s neck, feeling it’s soft, cold, wooden surface. Play something happy, something cheerful. Please play something nice. I beg myself. “One, two, three!” The bartender shouts, and all of a sudden the room is filled with rowdy country music. I try to play along, but all that comes out is a low, depressing song that I have never heard of before. An unstoppable force seems to be controlling my hands, playing what my heart really wants to play. All of a sudden, the unruly bar music stops and all eyes turn to me. “Get the hell out of here! You know nothing about music!” A man in the background shouts at me. All at once they start screaming and cussing at me. I look up at them, wanting to apologize, but they wont understand me. They’re so angry, I know that if I don’t get out in ten minutes, I’ll be another animal head mounted on their wall. So, I grab my peanuts, finish up my brandy, and run out of the bar, gripping Dirnt’s neck as hard as I can. I try to run but trip on nothing, and fall face flat on the road. “Stupid brandy, messed me up,” I slur, and struggle to my feet. Wiping my eyes, I stagger on, tasting the blood that’s pouring from my bottom lip. I travel along the brick wall, until I see a dull grey door. I quickly open it and crawl though. Behind me I can hear that the bar music has started up again, as if I was never there. I gasp when I see the town that had been set up magically behind my back. There’s a huge, dull grey tent to the left of me, with a cross on it. A church, not one of my favorite places. I look to the right and see a small store with Coffee Shop written on the glass windows. Inside it is dark. Outside the coffee shop there are lawn chairs and tables, some toppled over. Sitting at the tables are mimes. They are very sad, with all black clothing and black berets. They’re sipping coffee, that’s all. No chatting, no playing, just drinking. The brandy seems to have an emotional effect on me because I start jumping around and screaming towards the mimes. “Hello! Hi, how are you all doing?! What’s up?! Hello! Come on, don’t be sad!” I wave my arms at them, suddenly happy. The mimes continue to drink, sipping their coffee monotonously. I run in front of them, and continue to wave my arms. It’s no use, they can’t see me. I give up, because I suddenly feel very sleepy. I walk along the wall, and walk back through the fog and see the same field I saw when I first woke up. Wait, maybe I didn’t wake up. Maybe this is all a dream. Yes! That has to be it! So, I walk over to the grey steps and lay down again. I fall quickly asleep, knowing that when I finally wake up I will be back home, in my nice warm bed. Finally, in my nice welcoming house. I wake up slowly this time, taking in the nice cool air. I stretch and yawn, feeling very happy. I’m finally free of the dream. It was all just a horrible dream and it would never happen again. Then the headache hits me. It’s the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life. I steady myself and my hand lands on something cold and gritty. I look behind me and there’s a red brick wall. I look in front of me and there’s an endless field of dry green grass with the most beautiful sundown I’ve ever seen. I sit up and put my face in my hands. This isn’t a dream after all, it’s reality. It’s just Spirit’s will, for me to be here. I had to think about this long and hard. I am stuck here, in a new world I have no clue about. On one side of the world there’s sadness, depression, a dull land. On the other side there’s happiness, joyfulness, a bright land. I knew in my heart that I would have to chose. Chose between happiness and sadness. Would I always feel sad while over at the happy land? Or was that just a matter of circumstance? I start walking towards the left side of the wall, and I make my way through the fog. When I make it through, I feel only the slightest bit of sadness, but I know it will soon go away. I look around until I find a store that reads Pharmaceutical Wonders. I walk in, and am greeted by the store clerk. “You want something for your head, do you not?” She says. She has a strange Jamaican accent and skin as dark as night. I am surprised and overwhelmed with happiness. This place is not all filled with hillbillies. “Yes, how did you know? That’s amazing!” I am shocked at her power. “You were holding your hand up to your head honey, it was a wild guess.” She laughs and rolls her eyes. “Oh,” I whisper and take my hand off my head. She pulls out a glass bottle of pills with a name it would take a scholar to pronounce. I thank her and ask for the price. “You have no money girl, I know that too because there are no pockets in those pajamas you have on. Here, take these free of charge, and go over to Verdandi’s Arcade. You will love it there, I know.” I thank her again and walk out and into the sunshine. Verdandi’s Arcade? Where could that be? I continue walking, until soon enough, under rays of beautiful sunshine, I find a huge building with the words Verdandi’s Arcade in neon green letters painted on its front. I shrug and walk in. “Well, hello there, who are you?” The man at the front desk asks. He looks friendly, his old grey eyes seem welcoming, unlike the bartender’s eyes at the New Mug Alehouse. “I am Mary, Mary Rackham. Who are you?” I smile and walk up to the counter. Not everyone here is mean? “Oh I’m Earl. Welcome to- hello Jude! How are you today!” The old man shouts in excitement and his attention turns to a man with a black suit and slick black hair who walked through the door. He winks at Earl and slickly walks over to the counter. He places his arm on the counter. “Hey Earl, how’s the profit?” “Oh very well, thanks! Kids have just been pouring through our doors, I don’t know where they come from.” Kids? I didn’t see any kids. I wonder and then look towards the arcades. Hundreds of kids wait at slot machines, pinball machines, and various amounts of other games. I am not alone here. “Well, hello there. I haven’t seen you around here. What’s your name?” I gasp and turn around. His light blue eyes look expectantly at me. I stumble and start to stutter. “I-I uh.” I slap my head and close my eyes. “Haha seems the girl’s a little shy around you Jude. Her name’s Mary Rackham. She’s new here to Zorion. Maybe you could show her around?” Jude walks up to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. “You’ll like it here Mary. Zorion’s the happiest place on Earth. The only people that make it here are the luckiest. And most never go back, they practically can’t!” He laughed and walked me through the arcade. We sat down at a PacMan game and his smile faded a little. “You know how I found this place?” He asked in a soft voice. I shook my head. No, I didn’t. “Well, neither do the rest of us.” He smiled again, and at that moment I understood why we were all in this land of Zorion, not by choice, but by destiny.
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Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:29 am
Hi!
This was very nice to read - good idea, what with the wall dividing the two worlds and the dream-afterlife-WTH-IS-IT-*puchuu* ambience, hehe... ^^
(Puchuu being an utterly pointless reference to the anime Excel Saga, but moving on...)
What I really thought could use some work were the descriptions. You limit yourself to telling us what the character is seeing, and no matter how excellent the plot/characters/events, presenting a story in that fashion doesn't really potentiate an interesting read. We have five senses - well the majority of us anyway - so why limit your descriptions to only a fifth of what they could be? Let us know more about what the character feels, suspects, fears, hears, thinks, etc. Particularly, since this is written in a first person's pov, you need to use every little technique to help get the reader in this character's shoes and spice up the read. Ever heard the expression "show, don't tell"? I'd say it's applicable.
Now - and this isn't really a suggestion or advice, more like personal comment - my dark-tragedy streak was sort of disappointed with the happy "I just found utopia" ending. I was half hoping for the paradise to turn out to be in fact a place to brainwash people into being numb puppets who wandered from diversion to diversion, while the real world passed them by. By the time the main character realised it, though, it would have been too late to undo the damage and she'd be doomed to spend out the rest of her days trapped inside her mind and behind mechanical routines *thunderstrike-cackle-the end!*. But that's just me and my flair for horror, heh! xD
Keep up the good work! I hope to see more from you soon!
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Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 4:51 pm
Loved it, thankx for posting!!!
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Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:33 pm
Just to let anyone who reads this know, I'm doing total renovations on this story. I'm changing the ending and everything. I'll repost when I am finished. Thanks. ~MimeSublime, the new and improved BlueDazie.
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