Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Poetry
Counting The Moments ~~~EDIT~~~

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

hospitalflowers

3,750 Points
  • Conversationalist 100
  • Forum Regular 100
  • Invisibility 100
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 1:48 pm


Counting The Moments

I'm counting the minutes.
I'm counting the hours.
I'm counting every moment.
That I'm away from you.

Please, oh please
Just take me with you.
You've already got my heart,
My soul, my everything is with you.

And with every second
We're split apart
I feel as if I'm dying,
As if I'm a forgotten part of you.

On every wind I hear your voice,
That sweet, sweet sound.
Soft as a mother's lullaby, awaiting a restful child
And soothing as the oceans waves, so calmly as they do.

So I'm counting the minutes.
I'm counting the hours.
I'm counting every moment,
That I'm away from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I can see that this will need improvement, but I got the inspiration for it and the words kept flowing off my keyboard and on to the monitor... so yeah... another one of my two minute poems.

What do you all think I can fix?
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:12 am


I think you might want to add a little more to the middle before going into the last stanza. It has a really good start. Keep going with it biggrin

Vampoctavia


Numikea

PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 9:48 am


I agree. It's a little too short, really. But the beginning is really good. ^^
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:21 am


Yeah, I probably ought to make it three or four stanzas longer...

hospitalflowers

3,750 Points
  • Conversationalist 100
  • Forum Regular 100
  • Invisibility 100
Reply
Poetry

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum