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N.Infinity18256

PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 2:27 pm


Deep within the darkness.
Down inside my soul.
I sense the numbness take me
As death extracts its toll.

It pulls my screams from me
Like a string on a child's toy.
And gathers them unto itself
To be eaten with sinister joy.

And once it has rendered me empty
I lie there silent and still.
As it picks me up and takes me away
The predator claiming its kill.

Descending into iniquity
And entering its dark domain.
It passes through eternity
Cursed by its immortal bane.

It dwells within the darkness
That has swallowed up my soul.
Wandering through the endless night
As death, whom it extracts its toll.


This poem isn't one of my best but I'm putting it up anyways.
I realize the repetition of the rhyming of 'soul' and 'toll' in the first and last stanza, but i intended it that way so as to finish it off with what it begun with.
I'm open to thought, comment, opinion and critique.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:33 pm


I like this one. The repetition of the first and last stanza wraps this one up well.

skyler919


gilmoregirl13

PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:34 pm


it's a little dark for my tastes, but very descriptive, and the rhyming is good. also, i agree with chaos. this has a lot of feeling to it. just out of curiousity, do you write anything happier? for some people, this is just their forte. others can do this and other stuff.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 9:48 pm


Glad ya liked it. Well, my tastes are more on the darkside of things. No, i don't really write anything happy. Don't get me wrong, its not always completely dark sounding and such. I am capable of lighter things but i'm not really one for it...

N.Infinity18256


godzilladoxy

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 3:36 am


This poem isn't about anything. I mean, sure, it's about darkness, but you're just telling us that your soul is consumed by darkness- there's no plot, climax, resolution, nothing. It's a vignette of a depressed person, and it doesn't even give specifics.

Show. Don't. Tell.

Ringing any bells yet?
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 9:22 pm


Many people thing that poetry is just prose that rhymes, but it isn't. Poetry has quite demanding regulations regarding speed control, ambiguity, and punctuation, and sadly this poem didn't really have any, although it was close at some points. For example,
Quote:
As it picks me up and takes me away
The predator claiming its kill.

put a comma in between those two lines, and you've just slowed down the reader to highlight "The predator claiming its kill", which seems to be a rather striking line of this poem.

But as bytten said, you're not really saying much here. Writing can be self-descriptive (if that's what this is), but it, and especially poetry, needs some sort of theme to tie it all together and really make it memorable to the reader. Prose doesn't always need a theme as it can interest purely through amazing character development or plot, both of which are much harder when writing poetry.

Seriously, I've rarely seen anyone become a good poet without writing prose first. If you want to be a poet, first learn how to write well the easy way, with prose; it will establish good habits and technique that will later help you write true poetry.

Cyan~Fire


bloody_rose_of_the_dawn

PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 5:44 pm


Sr. Chaos
I like this one. The repetition of the first and last stanza wraps this one up well.


I agree with Sr. Chaos about the first and last stanza. I liked it. It was kinda morbid but poetry is about emotion.

- <3 rose <3 -
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:21 am


It wa a little too creppy for my tastes. But it was a nice poem and like rose and Sr. Chaos said the first and last stanzas worked well togeather.

TaiBaiWong


Cereah
Crew

PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 9:30 am


Even though I found the piece a bit dark, it was a good self-reflection piece. I like how the first and last stanzas go together and the rhythm sounds good most of the time, but alot of the punctuation in it seems a bit inappropriate to me. Many of the periods would be better as commas, but that's just my personal opinion. Overall, it was a pretty good piece!
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Work written between 2003 - 2006

 
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