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 Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:57 am
do you like it? please rate. i have lots of them, so if you want to hear one that's not on here, pm me.
Too Far
I call
Screaming for you
I know you can't hear me
I know you can't save me
No one can
I've gone too far
I hear
My echoed words
With no one there to hear them
Ringing in the silence
No one can help me
I've gone too far
I see
The halls filled with emptyness
Nothing moving about
Not a thing is stiring
I can't be saved
I've gone too far
I smell
The stench of defeat
For now I have failed
I have lost you
Saving is imposible
I've gone too far
I taste
My death close at hand
With no one there to witness it
There is no time left
No one can save me
I've gone too far
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 11:03 am
Nice! I'd say it's above average--not great, but certainly readable. I have one main issue with this, and it might not be a issue at all, really. =P it seems like with this subject matter, the poem should be a bit slow. With the short lines it reads a bit faster, kinda staccato. (I got the impression of, like, a Linkin Park song) On the other hand, it does seem to be more lyrical than poetic, like it should have music set to it.
Also, just a format thing: it could use line breaks to give it stanzas rather than one long set.
But enough with the negative!
I really like that you used all 5 senses, especially without making it absurd. (I've seen that happen far too often rolleyes ) I also like the repetition. It gives the piece structure without being too absolute, kinda like a literary dance, if you will.
All in all, it's pretty darn good!
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:12 pm
think that i've read it bout 4 times by now, there's something about it that just... captures me...
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Posted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 3:58 am
I agree that it has some repetition to it and that it seems to move more like lyrics, but I think it's a great poem and I can definitely relate to it in my own life. I added you to my friends list and I sent you a PM I'm new to
Gaia and wanted to meet some new people.
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