Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hm. Just got done watching Zodiac. Really want to see Number 23. I'm fascinated by movies about obsession that takes over a persons life.

I have obsessions, quite a few. The most obvious to anyone who knows me is my obsessive love of the character Tifa Lockheart X3 And I openly admit I'm obsessive >:3 She really is, in my eyes, the perfect woman personality and moralwise. She could do with some breat reduction but... XD;;

Anyway, contrary to what some MIGHT think, I know all my girlfriends did at first, is that she is 'the woman' in my life, despite being fictional. Which is true, to a point. When I'm dating a girl, those close to me notice, the only trace of Tifa you ever see around me, is that I have the action figures still up. I really don't draw her, talk about her, or really think about her much. It's pretty funny. XD; It's like an obsession off-switch. But those same people notice when I'm single again, I go right back. She's kind of like...

Not quite a safety blanket...

But...She's something to hold onto to keep loneliness at bay. It may seem creepy to you all, and I won't blame anyone for judging, but there have been a few times where I would take one of said figures and during particularly emotional times of stress or depression, talk to it about my problems as if I was really talking to her. It helps...

And of course, I'm the butt of many jokes about it, all of which I take in stride...Usually...

Regardless of having that 'Off Switch'...I do, honestly get...Pretty jealous...Angry jealous when someone says something with the intent to bother me. Obviously, I'm very much against Cloud as her love interest, as frankly, I can't fathom a woman such as herself falling for a man like Cloud. But what I mean is...People who say things purposely to insult or hurt me. And people DO say things, along the lines of those whole sleep with your mother sayings...Stuff like that...Stuff I'd rather not repeat as it DOES upset me. One time in particular, I truly made an a** out of myself by verbally assaulting a man in a chat room I frequent. Just people who generally say bad things about her...

Other then that, I also generally get mad at people who talk about her like many see real women...A piece of meat. To me, she's a person, with a heart and soul and feelings, be they invented or fictional, they're all still there. She's not simply a walking, talking piece of virtual a**, she's a deeply caring, strong, passionate woman...

People seem not to believe I love her for the type of woman she is as opposed to..."Tits, dude" ::Rolls eyes::

And that's the key, in case you didn't pick up, that is the KEY. People think I obsess over HER, ya know? She is GREAT, don't get me wrong, but it's not her that's the main obsession. It's the IDEA of her. It's the type of person she is, the type of person I've only seen in bits and pieces in other people. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't searching for Tifa in real life...Not THE Tifa, a woman who is everything Tifa is, if that makes sense...The personality, the morals, the care, the love...I know I will never find someone who matchs her completely. That's fool's thinking. Just...Something close is good enough for me...

My ex-girlfriend Amanda had it ALL wrong...She thought it was the BODY. She was CONVINCED it was the BODY I was after in a woman. Convinced to the point of bringing Tifa up in conversations, comparing herself to her, when I made NO mention of her.

My girlfriend after that, Kat. She was also the complete opposite body type Amanda was, which I think is funny. Amanda, short, pudgy, D cups...Kat, tall (Just under my height) thin and A-cups. XD Kat...Kat was probably as close as I've gotten but...I don't think she was girlfriend material in the end...I think the two of us work out far better as just friends.

And my girlfriend before all of them, Jenna. She was my first, who I actually met here on Gaia, several years ago...She...She's something special in her own right. I still have feelings for her to this day. But, she's with another guy, and I fully support them. That's why if it wasn't for this guild being private, etc., I wouldn't even be bringing this up. I don't want to ruin what they have, cause he can give her so much more then I ever could. And I think she's happier with him.



Now, you're probably asking yourself, if you made it this far, 'Why the hell bother writing any of this?'. True, no one asked, I doubt anyone cares.

So why? The answer is simple.

I am an Artist, my friends. I like to express myself. I like for people to be able to see how I think. I want people to understand me, don't we all? I think so. I would LOVE to write more about myself, especially if you all want to KNOW more about me. You see, being an artist has a rather unfortunite disadvantage. Too many people see only the Art. They never think of the person BEHIND the Art...The Artist himself. To them, he is invisible and non-existant until he releases a new work. That can be...Damaging to one's psyche...And soul...I believe it to be one of the reason I've been unwilling to complete products recently. Because I know what will happen...It will be released, crowds of internet fans will cheer, and then silence. They leave me as an empty shell, completely uncaring. But once something new shows up, everyone is my best friend. For a few shining, glorious minutes. And then once more, emptiness. Repetition of a thing like that can crush a man's spirit. I've felt my own being chiseled away before...

So I simply want to let you know, there IS a PERSON writing this. There is a human being feeling these feelings, and that he wants people to know he EXISTS.

Sorry for taking so much of you time, assuming you read all this. Please, if any of you have questions about me, I would love for you to ask and I will happily answer them.

-Jason

Thanks dude.

As for your questions:

I'm 19

I live in Pennsylvania, just north of Philadelphia in a place called Oakford. Right on the edge of Trevose.

No, I've never felt at odds with you, I think the only time we ever had anything resembling an argument was over the um...The thing...The trophy recognition system thingy idea you had...

I’ll admit, I don’t peruse the satellite forums as much as the main or Gothic RP forums. I just saw this tonight and read through it (up until my comp crashed again. It always seems to happen a lot when it’s time for a Windows update… it’s like they know you resist…).

I’m going out on a limb here, but my initial thought was that you played through FF7 during a troublesome time in your life, and the caring and gentle nature mixed with the tough, self-sufficient woman of Tifa represented something you needed. I’m guessing you put the paraphernalia away when a real girl comes into your life b/c Tifa, as she’s a fictional character, is only a representation of what you wish to have in a real girl.

So, while your obsession of Tifa is… weird, she seems mainly to be the temporary face of an ideal you crave. When you find a real girl, she’ll loosely fit the mask of your ideal and the paraphernalia will be shelved again. This kind of obsession isn't too unnatural, you just don't want to be 30 someday and have your bedroom turned into a Tifa Lockheart shrine.

You have a Raziel action figure? Cool! I always wanted a Solid Snake and a Ninja one from Metal Gear solid but I could never find them. sad

Raziel and Kain I got at Gamestop, I saw them and bought them on a whim years ago. Right now Kain is posing with the Soul Reaver and Raziel is riding a giant chicken into battle.

I have a red Spartan(Halo 2), Odin from FF8, the Master Chief, and hundreds of Mage Knight, Heroclix, Mechwarrior, DnD minis, Star Wars RPG minis, and I just got some Halo Actionclix today. I have other stuff that I cant remember as well. Warhammer 40k...