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The Holy Mueble
Let us begin. Do not worry; for I will not bore you with dull facts, the Holy Mueble only contains interesting things which you will actually have use for.
Let us start off with the Ten Commandments. Yes, we’re actually STARTING with them. Holy s**t, I know, that’s like, totally cool, right? Well, anyway...
The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not worship any other than the Holy Muerta, for she is the one and only Gawd.
2. Thou shall not use Gawd’s name in vain.
3. Thou shall not deny Gawd sex when she requests it.
4. Thou shall not be afraid to commit the seven deadly sins, for you will actually be greatly rewarded by Gawd when you commit these, as She commits these Herself quite often.
5. Thou shall not deny that Gawd is pure sex, for doing so is sin.
6. Thou shall not deny your fellow human beings the right to love; meaning that thou shall allow anyone to have any sexuality they may wish.
7. Thou shall not break one of these Commandments.
8. Thou shall not question Gawd, for Gawd is always right.
9. Thou shall not neglect your duty to worship Gawd on a daily basis.
10. Thou shall not deny lust; instead, embrace it as if it is your own child.
Not all too bad, was it? Well, let’s move on.
Gawd loves everyone
That’s right, Gawd loves everyone. That’s exactly why She is a bisexual… but that’s unimportant. Anyway, She loves everyone. Yes, that includes sinners. And no, She won’t send you to burn in hell for your sins. I mean, that’d be contradictive, no? Not to say that the bible is contradictive… *cough*
You can see Gawd as a motherly figure… no wait, scratch that, see her as your ******** buddy. You love her, but not in an emotional way. That’s just way too emo for her, you know?
Muetist
So, what does one who worships the one and only Muerta call themselves? Why, a Muetist, of course! The religion itself is called Muetism. Nice and original, no? Yeah, we’re all an intelligent and completely original group. We’re totally not stealing anything from any other religion. Nope.
PH Rape
You’re probably asking yourself “What the hell is PH Rape?” right now. If you find yourself doing this, then I kindly ask you to step away from the computer before Gawd rains down Her fury on your computer.
Or, if you find yourself willing to learn… well, I guess She might be willing to forgive you. PH is short for Pyramid Head, which is an enemy in the game Silent Hill 2, and in the game, he rapes a bunch of mannequins. So, PH Rape = Pyramid Head Rape.
Either way, what we want to say with this, is that PH Rape is completely legal and morally correct, so if PH tries to rape you… let him, or you will be considered a sinner and will burn in the fires of hell fo--- I mean, uh, you’ll just be considered a sinner. Yeah.
Muerta
Muerta. That is the name of Gawd, the one and only true Gawd. You must worship Her, and you must follow her every whim. If you do not, you will not receive her eternal blessing. Of course, she still loves you, she simply won’t bless you. Now, what does this mean? Well, let’s just say… you won’t get laid much. Or at all.
If you please Muerta, however, you will be blessed, and might even be lucky enough to have her secks you up! Yes, that’s right, you can have a chance at Gawd! OMIGOSHHOLYSHIT!
Isn’t She like, totally kind and stuff, compared to other, non-existent Gods? Oh yeah, which brings me to the point… Muerta actually EXISTS! That’s right, she’s not some invisible woman who lives in the sky! She’s a human, just like yourself! Except she’s, you know, much more awesome and stuff.
All other religions are fake
Especially Christianity
So, to make you believe that this is the one true religion, we figured we should put in some evidence that all other Gods are fake, and that Muerta is the one true Gawd.
Exciting, no? Well, here’s the evidence:
Muerta actually exists. Other Gods do not. Is this not proof enough? Muerta is this hawt babe that’s on earth, and you can actually touch her, but all other deities are ugly old men who aren’t even real! How can you worship something like that?! Know what I mean?
Secks and Lust
As a Muetist, you shall give in to lust. You shall not try to avoid it, but instead embrace it and have some hawt secks. You know you love teh secks, you can’t deny it, and you know it. Have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want and wherever you want, just make sure none of those stupid, close-minded Christians find you! BEWARE! They have torches!
Another thing you need to remember when it comes to secks, is that Muerta is a secks goddess. No one can secks better than she does, and if you deny this FACT, you will be punished. This is one of the worst sins you can commit, along with denying Muerta teh secks.
Worship
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh no, but worshipping is so boring! Do I have to?”, right? Trust me, worshipping Muerta is NOT boring. Quite the opposite.
It is both simple, fun and enjoyable for the whole family! So, how do you worship Muerta then? Well, it’s quite simple. You simply do ANYTHING sexual, such as masturbating or having sexual intercourse of any kind. That’s right, it’s that easy. You can do it as much as you want, but you MUST do it at least once per day! If you don’t, well, no blessings for you!
