I think the fight we had was dumb and important. I mean... well... I don't really know. I am a little confused. I can't really explain. I know that it had to be done, or she would never even begin to understand how bad she has hurt me. After we had it, I went on and off crying the rest of the day. I hate that. In fact, I don't hate that, I hate myself when I do that. In a way, I know that I am scared. I really don't like crying. I use to be extremely close to my mom. I can't even say hi without getting into a fight. I realized during that fight how distant we are. I can't even tell my mom 'I love you' any more. In fact, I don't even say hi to her in the morning when she returns from work. When she's up, I usually hide in my bedroom, so I don't have to see her. I must be a real terrible person. One of the worst. We barely acknowledge each other's exsistance. I have really tried, but I can't fix things. She hasn't noticed any of the damage at all. And I believe that is what is slowly killing me on the inside. I just get so worn out from these fights.
After our fight my mom came up to my room and brought up a thing about the AA meetings for the families. She said I should go. I can't though. No, I won't. I remember going through the costedy and having to go through all the social service people. I hated it. I never want to go through that again. So I won't.
Why do I have to be so scared and hate myself so much? Maybe I did something and I diserve it. I just don't know. If I do diserve it (which I can see reasons why and from what I see it should be worst), then let it be.
People keep telling me that I am really good at fixing problems. But really, I'm not. I can't even fix what is going on in my life. My own home. I am a terrible problem fixer. Yet, everyone keeps turning to me, depending on me to make things better.
It was kinda embarassing. I had to wake up my mom later that night and I was on the phone with D. Right then, she just had to go off on me. I just ran out side as fast as I could. I figured there is no reason to have him or anyone else listen to our petty fights.
I know that Amber is mad at me. I told her I am moving. It is just to Mansfield. Only one city away. Fifteen miles, that's all. But she doesn't understand why I have to. She doesn't understand how my mom and little sister are eating away at what is left of my sanity. I know that I am emotionally unbalanced and I do not want to hurt her or anyone else more than I already have.
I listened to 1000 Words by Jade (the English version) today. I mean that I really listened to the lyrics. I realized something as well. That song pretty much tells my life story. Alot of it last December and stuff. I just kinda layed there and listened to it and thought just 'wow'.
It also sucks that Wolfpack won't let me on today.
I finished the series Fruits Basket right after I had the fight. After I watched it, it changed my outlook on things a little bit. It made me feel better. That is one of the best series I have ever seen.
Kelsey
My Favorite Quotes:
Quote:
"I want to try and live my life carrying all of my memories with me. And even if those memories are painful, even if they do nothing but hurt me, I want to keep them. Even those memories I wish I sometimes could forget. As long as I can keep carying them with me...as long as I can keep holding on...then someday, someday... I'll be strong enough that those memories don't hurt me anymore, and I'll be glad that I have them. That's what I believe. With all my heart. That's why all my memories are precious to me. I don't think it would be okay to forget a single one. And that's why, the truth is, I didn't really want mama to forget about me. I did. What I wanted was for her to hold on. But I guess that was selfish of me." --- Momiji Sohma (Fruits Basket)
"The scariest thing...the most painful thing is...to be hated by someone you truly love.." --- Honda Tohru (Fruits Basket)
"The scariest thing...the most painful thing is...to be hated by someone you truly love.." --- Honda Tohru (Fruits Basket)
