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Hot Chocolate believes in miracles. Gendo believes in Prozac |
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BEGINNING OF PART 1(I lost count. We're starting over. But it doesn’t matter much-- I have concocted, once again, another fanfic-like monstrosity that is, quite frankly, just not funny at all. Poo.)
It....... was Friday. But that'd never stopped anyone before. Well, I mean, I suppose it might have once or twice or several thousand times in history, but for all intents and purposes... bah! It was raining, okay?! "Geez, how long is it gonna rain like this?" See? Er, Xigbar, in a moment of unusual calm, was making the most of his one good eye, gazing between the blinds at the thick curtains of H20 coming down outside the kitchen window. A lovely splittering, splattering ambience filled the red guardian at the table with a warm, cozy feeling. His half-lidded eyes watched lazily as the single female poured something hot and sweet into his adjacent mug. He shut his eye, letting the warm steam wash over his face. For just that moment all the scars, physical, mental or otherwise, were wonderfully healed as if they'd never existed.
Only Gendo Ikari remained unpacified by the welcome deluge of rain. In fact, it was just the opposite-- the normally level-headed, somber individual had far more energy than usual, as was evident by the invisible spray of the stuff flying off of him with every quick turn of his heel. He paced, animal like, back and forth across the small kitchen, brows drawn and eyes set straight ahead, staring a nothing. Every now and then, between a short roll of thunder and a small utterance between the other three, he would pause. This was usually followed by a scant burst of unintelligible mutterings or a shaking of the head, but always before an immediate resolution back into the incessant pacing. When she had finished topping off a GSMDCA mug of cocoa with whipped topping, BTJ had to comment: "You're going to wear a hole in the floor." Gendo was already armed and ready with an exasperated sigh and a stop to look at the ceiling. Without any further motion, he followed up a previous statement: "It has to rain, Xigbar, we were practically in the middle of a draught Monday."
The Organizationer numero dos wasn't paying any attention. He was FAR too busy concerned with other matters of consequence, such as forming simple shapes with miniature marshmallows. "Ha! Look-- I made a circle!" "Err... very nice, Piggy." He continued poking around in his concoction with one finger, then emerged a bit later to announce: "And a smiley face." "Oh, that's lovely." Joiner, who'd actually bothered to pop over and look, nodded a little unsurely at the one-eyed, mallowy emoticon floating in Xigbar's drink. Gendo didn't actually see it himself, but he did stare at the culinary artist from across the room with a sort of flat look, and then turned his attention to his own delicious mixture. A little while later and: "Ta-da! It's Rosie O'Donnel leaving the view!" Joiner peeked in on the 2.7 remaining marshmallows in Xigbar's cup, then jumped back when he started cackling madly. "Hahahaha! I actually made you loo--" Gendo preferred his cup. "The Shrivatsa... an Ashtamangala." The girl and the half-man stared. Awe. Shock. Towels. Suspense. More Shock. Then Commander Ikari downed the auspicious symbol, and the games began...
Would You Be a Cool Parent? Though he was still getting used to fumbling with the tiny buttons on this itty-bitty machina, Auron was quite sure that was the question blaring out of the small screen at him. He has to sit and wonder, for a moment, if there was even a physical possibility of such an event, and what-- or who-- exactly it would entail. But not long, you see, and he shook his big head and read question numero uno:
Let's say you're in your 40s with teenage kids. How do you imagine yourself dressing on the weekends? Aaaah... to be Forty again. 1. Classic and casual. Maybe a collared shirt and khaki pants. 2. In the latest styles - even if that means shrunken t-shirts and distressed jeans 3. In sweatpants or really old clothes. Once you're out of the race to find a significant other, you can let yourself go. Well, er, um, three sounded awfully nice, but Auron was pretty sure he's end up in number one. Moving on...
When you have a family, you will probably drive: No 1. A mid life crisis sports car 2. A station wagon 3. An SUV These 'car' contraptions scared the living bejeezus out of him (cue flashback scene to supermarket parking lot and about twenty blaring car alarms and one very startled guardian with his murasame out). An SUV sounded like some kind of ship... he'd take that.
Your kid gets in trouble for insulting his teacher, but you have to admit that the insult was pretty darn funny. You: That's my boy! Er, um... 1. Don't punish your kid, and actually praise him for his wit 2. Talk to your kid about what's appropriate to say in what context - and take away his TV privileges 3. Ground your kid for two weeks, and be mad at yourself for thinking the insult was funny at all Where was the 'make him stand for two hours in the pouring rain, one-legged at the top of a very tall bamboo pole with two fifteen-ounce buckets of water' option?! How is this kid going to learn self-discipline, eh? Just 1. then. It was funny.
Your middle school aged daughter wants to see an R rated movie at a friend’s house that you know is very racy. You: 1. Say yes. They'll probably watch it anyway. 2. Say yes, after you've watched it first and discussed it with your daughter. 3. Say no, and wonder if they should be really hanging out with that friend. Well 1., obviously. And ask if he could come too. Sssht, the temples had been putting strong censorship on movie-spheres for HOW long?
When you have kids, you: Auron was pretty sure he wasn't going to HAVE kids, seeing as how it required, uh, extra 'parts' that he, um, just didn't have access to at the moment. Not that he couldn't--! 1. Plan on cutting back on your social life and career a little, but still remaining active in the adult world 2. Plan on spending as much time as possible with your kids, no matter what. 3. Plan on working, traveling alone with your spouse, and spending lots of time with your adult friends 2, definitely. Parenting was the toughest, most responsibility-oriented job on the planet, and Auron'd be darned (no pun-allusion thing intended) if he was going to screw up his kid's chance at something he'd never had. (It should be noted a little sniffle comes from beside the couch at this point) "Xigbar. Aren't you supposed to be doing something as well?" Secretly glad for a small reprieve, Auron reached for his mug of cocoa. "I just wanted to see what you got." Said Xigbar, in as normal a tone of voice as anyone had ever heard him in. Then, in his regular spazztacularity: a grin. "Awww! Is it a girl or a boy?" He teased. Auron has to pause mid-sip. He really hadn't given it much thought-- he'd just assumed it was a boy. "A boy." He said flatly. "Me too." Nodded Xigbar, then he gave a thumbs up. (a wink would be redundant) "Although..." Auron set his mug back down. "A girl might be nice too." "EW! What?! With all their--oog--weird girly stuff?!" Xigbar made a face. And hand motions. Lots of hand motions. "They're gentle. And sweet." Not the one I'm thinking of thought Xixbar, who's only female interaction had been with a homicidal blonde banshee who enjoyed badminton, long walks on the beach, and slicing things into tiny little shreds very very very quickly.
When it comes to cursing in front of your kids: "******** b*****d-a** ********!!" Shouted either: A. The one-eyed man who loved weapons, battle, his wit, and his people or B. The one-eyed man who loved weapons, battle, his wit, and weapons. And weapons. 1. You'll curse, and you don't mind if they do either 2. You'll try to keep it to a minimum, but no one's perfect 3. You'll wash out their mouths with soap if they ever say a four lettered word "One, man, one!" Auron did in fact click on number one, but not without a "You don't curse all that much, do you Auron?" from the girl who just randomly decides to walk in the room. The guardian nods ascent.
Your kids' allowances: 1. Will be dependent on how many chores they do 2. Won't exist. You don't want them to be spoiled 3. Will start when they're young and be generous - you don't want them to get a crappy job Auron wasn't really sure whether or not to pick one or two. Oh, he'd make them do chores all right; and run laps. And scrub floors. And make them stand for two hours in the pouring rain, one-legged at the top of a very tall bamboo pole with two fifteen-ounce buckets of water. But being of a more generous soul than in his younger days ("Ha! I didn't call you old!" "It's just as bad." wink , Auron had to pick one.
Xigbar used his poor, poor d**k Van Dyke impersonation, only worsened by the fact he was whispering. "And now for the moment of truth..."
You Will Be a Cool Parent You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need. You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law. While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top. You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!
"Whaaaaaaaaaat?! Stick-up-my-butt man?! No way! Make Gendo take this stupid test! Let me do it!!" Xigbar tried to wrestle lappy out of Auron's lap, but no dice. Joiner hopped up and down in the background. "Hooray! Points for Auron!" She cheered. The large man himself felt rather uneasy at first... but then something came over him and he could relax, satisfied, and finish his cocoa.
And now for the man who never relaxes, not even in the presence of a warm, tasty chocolate beverage, 'cause let's face it: there simply IS NO REST for the wicked. As he has had drilled into his skull from day one. Or second impact. Whatever. Stupid quiz. Stupid day. Stupid hot chocolate. Stupid girl. Stupid... other men. Stupid giant explosion caused by extraterrestrial contacting with Adam and creating and destroying and doing all that crazy s**t. Stupid TiVo.
How Happy Are You, Really? Stupid wife. Stupid 'son'. Stupid daughter-wife-clone-angel-thing. Stupid sub-commander. Stupid former lover... s. Stupid bunnies. Stupid giant-robots-that-aren't-really-robots. Stupid angels. Stupid God. Stupid planet. Stupid existence. Stupid humans. Stupid instrumentality. Stupid project. Stupid Human Instrumentality. Stupid Instrumentality Project. Stupid Human Instrumentality Project. Stupid Seele. Stupid Shinra. Stupid Disney. Stupid Geherin. Stupid NERV. Was he missing anything? Stupid Apple Computers. Stupid Linux. Stupid rant. Stupidly, about stupid things. Stupid. Stupid word 'stupid'. "Gendo, are you stalling?" Stupid little girl stupidly pokes her stupid head stupidly through the stupid door stupidly into the stupid room stupidly to stupidly see what stupidly is stupidly going stupidly on. Stupid. "You'd better hurry up-- that word's gonna lose its meaning, here in a minute." Stupid she stupidly said stupidly.
Your favorite music: 1. Has a lot of attitude 2. Is happy and upbeat 3. Is a little moody and emo Gendo didn't stupidly HAVE any stupid favorite stupid music. Stupid quiz! stupid question! Stupid answer!
When it comes to money: 1. You can always make ends meet 2. You never have any 3. You feel broke when you're between paychecks Stupid money! He stupidly didn't stupidly need stupidly any stupidly more stupid money, stupid! Stupid 1 stupid!
When it comes to work and school: 1. You show up every day, even when you don't feel like it 2. You're sometimes a bit late - and you definitely live for "sick days" 3. You constantly are calling in sick Gendo calmed down a bit (stupid) and reread the question (stupidly), removing some of the (stupid) 'stupid's so it was (stupidly) readable. Oh, stupid three definitely, stupid. But never sick-- stupidly simply did not show up if he stupidly didn't feel like stupid it.
Your body is: Stupid!
Gendo smacked his forehead. Stupid. Okay, that was stupidly seriously enough of stupid that. Stupidly. He means, uh, seriously. ... Stupid. 1. In great shape 2. Average 3. Totally out of shape In stupid--er, great shape! His stupid body was doing stu-- just fine! There wasn't anything stupidly wrong with his st--body! Stupid!
Your friends: Are stupid! Gendo hit his forehead again, harder, then gently massaged his temples. There. Looks like it stopped. 1. Stupidly are stupidly starting stupidly to stupidly fade stupidly away stupidly as stupid you stupidly get stupid older, stupid 2. Stupidly have stupidly pretty stupidly much stupidly drifted stupidly away, stupid 3. Stupidly are stupidly totally stupidly there stupidly for stupid you, stupid Aaaaagh! They're stupidly in the stupid quiz!! Gendo stupidly hit the monitor stupidly repeatedly with his stupid hand until the stupid word finally disappeared, whereupon he sat back and tried to recollect himself. Joiner heard the stupid noise and arrives at the bottom of the stupid steps. "Is everything all right up there?" "St--er, yes. Yes. Everything's just stu--fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's stupid. I mean, uh, yes. S--Fine." "You sure?" She gave him a quizzical look. He did not respond. So she shrugged her shoulder sand left.
When you're alone, you: 1. Enjoy doing your favorite activities 2. Feel a bit bored and directionless 3. Can't stand it - you hate being alone One. Of course. He was always alone-- humans were essentially alone. It was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid-- "Noooooooo!" Gendo banged both his fists down on the desk-- hard. "Stupid!" He cursed, stupidly, under his breath. Stupidly, the stupid word stupidly just stupidly rolled stupidly out! Stupidly, he stupidly had stupidly lost stupid control stupidly of stupid it! Stupid it stupidly was stupid everywhere! Stupidly get stupid it stupidly off stupidly of stupid him, stupid! Stupidly stupidly get stupid stupid it stupidly stupidly away, stupid stupid!! Stupid stupid Joiner stupidly came stupid bounding stupidly up the stupid steps stupidly without a stupid moment to stupidly lose, stupidly faithful Xtupid-bar stupidly at her stupid tail. He stupidly would stupidly stop at stupid nothing to stupidly see stupid Gendo stupidly humiliated, stupid.
"S-M-T-u-U-s-P-t-ID S-c-T-o-U-m-P-p-I-l-D-ete S-s-T-t-U-u-P-p-I-i-D-d S-q-T-u-U-i-P-z-ID! Stupid!" Stupidly twitching like a stupid cockroach (Stupid prize to whoever stupidly figures out which stupid fanfic I stupidly stole that stupidly from), the stupid commander stupidly finished the stupid quiz:
Stupid stupid stupid stupid Be Stupid stupid stupid stupid honest. Stupid stupid stupid stupid Your Stupid stupid stupid stupid life Stupid stupid stupid stupid : Stupid stupid stupid stupid 1. Could be better 2. Totally, completely stinks 3. Is great
He didn't get to see what answer he actually picked before one Gendo Ikari passed out on the floor with a stu- er, 'thud'. Xigbar stared. Which is rude, even if you DO only have one eye! But whatever. I don't think Gendo much cared at that point. He stopped and looked up. "What?"
"I think he caught a bad case of the stupids. One of the eggs must've caught my malign teenager-emoticas and tried to infect it. But all mine have been long dead since summer began, so it settled in the nearest place it could..." The Boink's head dropped slowly to the collapsed figure on the floor. "Huh?" "The over stimulation must've caused it to over-indulge itself; lucky for him it combusted, eh?" "Eh? Er, yeah, right. Sure. Uh-huh. Speaking of combustion--" Xigbar was careful to step on Gendo's unconscious form on the way to the bathroom, much to Joiner's chagrin. "That cocoa goes right through ya!" "Just like that quiz of yours, huh?" Joiner retorted dryly. "Uhmmm..."
Are You A Weirdo? Check all that apply:
You love online dating. ("How do you WORK this stupid thing?!" Xigbar jiffles the photocopier trying to get the monitor to turn on) [x]You consider day old underwear to still be clean. ("Does underwear GET dirty? I mean, come one, it's just touching my butt, right? And I wipe. And it's just gonna go in the washing machine anyway, and all the clothes in THERE were touching my body! Why should I change my underwear at all, you clever little sneak?!" wink [x]You believe in ghosts. ("Not until we took Zexion to the beach. Oooh..." Xigbar shuddered. He had no idea there were people that... that... pale. It was like he'd primed a house with his BODY just before spring break!) You rather have a water balloon fight than a squirt gun fight. ("Do you know who you're talking to? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the people sitting in the living room, who can hear the beforehand statement, but can't actually see it... they are, well, needless to say, very perturbed by now. Not worried, just...) [x]You don't consider yourself average looking. (The hard part is NOT thinking of a billion things to say about this one) [x]If you could start your life over, you wouldn't. (Considering he'd kinda been killed an' all that... uh, YEAH. And get his ********' REVENGE on the pointy-brown-haired little sneak! "******** b*****d-a** ********!!" wink If you have kids, you will raise them with more religion than what you had. (Those residing in the living room were deeply considering moving to the bomb shelter in the basement upon the sudden flurry of laughter that burst forth from the back room. As if the cursing wasn't enough.) Even if you had the power to live forever, you wouldn't choose to. (Again, uproarious laughter. Auron picked up Gendo and Joiner lead them to the basement steps.) If you were in a vegetative state, you prefer to be kept alive. ("That... would suck." Upon such a remark, the party decided to turn around and return to the cozy drawing room.) You would like to know when and how you're going to die. ("I was smacked to death by a little kid with a giant KEY and his two pets, okay?!" He was gonna murder whoever made this stu...pid quiz...) You prefer a yellow room to a blue room. (No White Room jokes were made in the answering of this question) You married (or will marry) your first love. (The return of the ceaseless, manic cackling induces worrisome looks between the living-room dwellers. "It's just the sugar from that hot chocolate" Explains boink girl, although she doesn’t sound entirely convinced herself.) Nice feet are sexier than nice hands. ("Oh nooooooo. These haaaands..." Xigbar drew a sexy gloved hand across the other to show what he meant. "These haaands are a work of ART!" He barked 'art' with an unheard of sense passion. Nearby Narwhales would be aroused. "With just this finger..." He extended a slender trigger finger "I can end your LIFE!" Again, the barking, and all animals in the area found themselves mysteriously attracted to the Peckenpaugh household. The exact opposite feelings of those in the living room.) [x]You think big breast implants look good. ("On Demyx." Xigbar laughed so hard he thought he was having the time of his life. The others in the drawing room weren't sure how much longer their's was going to last.) [x]You don't have a problem with your partner cross dressing. (No Organization-uniform jokes were made in the ans... well, maybe just a few. And in the living room: "It's. A. Kimono. GOWN." Auron retained his composure while Joiner nodded. "I know, I know." wink [x]You can't drive a stick shift car. (The living-roomers were suspicious: it had suddenly become very quiet in the back room. Apparently, Xigbar had to swallow his 'I can do ANYTHING' attitude... or something. Maybe he'd gone hoarse?) [x]You rather live without your computer than your TV. (It had been six hours and NOTHING. No matter how many times Xigbar poked the screen or pressed random keys, he could not seem to find these alleged photos of naked women. He was suspecting his 'pal' Gendo had not been entirely honest...) You don't eat cereal. ("What the hell?" Xigbar rolled his chair away from the sudden apparition of a small, bald, yellow thing with large red eyes that had just appeared next to him. The was a loud sluurrrrrping nose, and then: "I like cereal!" "Right, right." wink [x]You don't think Krispy Kreme makes the best donuts. ("Joiner! Jooiiner!" "What?" "Is Cristy Cream really hot?" "No-- the whole donut industry is sorta going downhill right now. Why?" "Oh, nothin'." "I'll take ya' there one day, if you want." "Uuuuh, no thanks." wink [x]You drink straight from the carton. (Well, sorta. He hadn't done it again since he caught Axel doing the same thing. That mouth... that mouth that has supposedly been on other mouths... getting sea-salt in the milk! Disgraceful!) You refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. ("What? It's just touching my butt, right? The only thing that touches my butt is my underwear! Geez!" wink [x]You believe that men are more romantic than women. ('Women' being Larxene and Murlaxia, and 'Romantic men' being Xehanort. Yeah.) [x]Money worries don't stress you out. ("Haha! These loser's misspelled 'munny'!" wink [x]You'll admit to picking your nose. (Xigbar has to take his 'killer finger' out of his nose to read this question.) [x]You cut your spaghetti when you eat it. (Xigbar cuts everything. With bullets. End of storeh.)
"Stupid computer!" Xigbar kicked Johnny 5, which proceeded to do absolutely nothing, because --to quote my dad-- it was a 'super computer'. Yeah. At the mention of the word 'stupid', Gendo woke up in a cold sweat after a dream about being chased by a thousand GGNR (Giant Giant Naked Rei) and collapsing in a pool of orange Tang, the Numa Numa song blaring loudly in the background while Shinji and Asuka dug to China and Kaji enjoyed a catfight between Misato and Ritsuko. "Purple... *huff huff* Purple.. is the *huff* pride color..."
Joiner clapped her hands together once and bounced a single time on the balls of her feet. "So! Round two. How was that?" Despite the fact the whole thing had been nothing more than sitting at a compute and making selections, the whole team of die-hard cuthroats, killers, liars and head-accessory-wearers collapsed in a heap on the floor. Joiner stared contentedly into her empty mug. "There's still some milk left."
The men all glanced at one another. Then, from the back room: "I like chocolate milk!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- END OF PART 1
Quizzes (courtesy of Blogthing): Auron Gendo Xigbar
Hexametaphosphate · Mon Jun 25, 2007 @ 06:45am · 0 Comments |
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