<center>Take three. To be completely honest, I just want to walk away. Say '******** it' and never show my face again. But that won't work. Because I have my 'friends' and I have my FRIENDS. I've realized that as of recent. I have people that I hang out with and people that I hang out with and care about. I don't know where to draw to line to separate the two. My real friends are the people I thought were just... there... and the people I thought were my real friends are just tagging along for the ride. I've been promised far too much in life to fall back now because some people think that I was "mistaken". But for them to tell of one time when they've ever done something without consequences... well that would be impossible... [[And a lie]].
I can't say that I agree with what I did. I can't determine what society sees as correct. But I don't regret anything in life and I make enough mistakes to realize this now. That's fine with me, why can't it be fine with everyone else? People don't understand that I do things just for the consequences. Maybe I had control of the situation and just decided to go for the kill. Bring up a bit of unusual outcome. Maybe everything was going too smoothly for me. But now. Now it's all screwed up, and I played apart in all of it. I got the lead role in this scene, I always get it. But I don't forget my lines. I know what to say and how to act. I'm not stupid.
I'm never denied that second chance. And it blows. Everyone is so occupied in everyone else?s business, to the point of driving me insane. I may be nosy, but I don't push myself into others predicaments and then get angry with the results don't go as I wished they would have. I stick by my friends, not what's correct or fair.
Being friends with both sides is hard, yes. But try being mentally attached to both sides. It's mentally numbing and it can eat a person inside.
Do I stay with the one? The one who continues to bring me happiness, but who I'm too [maybe] in "like" [not too soon love] to do anything with? Or do I risk it [it being everything that I stand for] and go for the other one. The one who I'm also mentally attached to. I can't say much for the second one because I don't know him all too well. Also, his choices in life and sketchy beyond ALL belief. In each situation I can think of reasons to either keep it going, or run. And I'm stuck.
I've never done this before.
This is all new to me.
I hate decision making, end of story. I wish one of the two would decide instead of them both saying the same damn thing;
"I want to be with you."
What the Hell does that mean? Does that mean that they want to be my high school fling that I can tell [and warn] my kids about later in life? Or does it mean that they want to support me, be together, and attempt to keep it that way for years to come? Because the first one seems to be the definition so far. I've heard, "I want to be with you," more times then I can stand to bear.
People tell me that I'm good looking. And I'm only bringing this up to state a point. Why won't someone, anyone, look for my faults before they get involved with me? I warn them, "I'm crazy." But they see me, tell me how cute I am, and the next thing you know they're taking my clothes off and telling me what to do.
"God Jayme, you look so hot."
"Aw, Jayme, you're so cute."
"I love your hair Jayme."
It gets old, you know? People basing everything on your looks. Try it; it's not as nice as one might think. ******** self-esteem. Someone tell me I'm ugly. Or, "Hey Jayme, you look shitty today." But I still... don't know what to do. I can only decide on one person. ********, might as well put them both in a big pit together with giant sticks. The first one down, losses. Because;
I CAN'T DECIDE ALONE.
AND I CAN'T BE ALONE IN MY DECISION.
Alone doesn't work for me. Hence, being an attention WHORE.
I've never been in a steady relationship. I've always been able to do what I want. Now I'm with one person and I make one mistake that I didn't want to happen and everyone's mad at me. They expect me, just because I have morals and a boyfriend, to be loyal, cute, and perfect forever. But guess what? I'm not... and I wasn't. [[P.S. I'M HUMAN!!]]
Two guys + One decision = One sad person.
Or if it gets even more ******** up;
Two guys + One decision = HUGE MESS!
Damn Jayme, why can't you just be normal for once? Make your own God-damn decisions and stop being such a slut?
OH YEAH!
I remember. Society classified normal, and ******** society.
Make my own decisions? HELLO PEOPLE! I do it everyday; it's called "life". Ever played it? Ever won? Doubt it.
Slut? I've only been with three people in my LIFE. Slut... my skinny-white a**.
Judge people.
Be mad.
But don't get mad when s**t goes my way and not yours all because of a decision I made.
If you can't stand by me the whole way then who I am to call you my friend? Who are you to call me crazy? Who are you to be mad at me?
NOTHING.
Because all YOU people don't matter.
I don't live life and die for you ********.
I live life for myself.
And if you want to stand by with me, I'll stand by you. But if not, it was fun. Good luck in the future.
Much love.
- Jayme.
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