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Where am I going to go from here? There is so much that I need to do, and I don't know where to start.... I talked to my grandpa and he's going to attempt to help, and him being the genius that he is, he will surely have some effect on my situation with my mom and Ron but... There's still so much that I'm going to need to do on my own. How far am I willing to go to be happy? At a certain price, does getting what you want so badly lose it's appeal? I don't know, I'm just a machine. I can't just ask a question like that of myself and expect an answer. What if my biggest reason for doing all of this, turns out to be for nothing. I hate myself... I hate myself for having become so dependent upon something, so weak and willing to put all of my life, all of my feeling, and all of who I could become in jeopardy. This ambivalence of one word that I have committed myself to. All that it takes is one word to make or break me right now, and I honestly don't know which to hope for any more. Maybe I'd be better off dead.