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i feel like im burning. all my love, hate, skill, talent, idots, brilliance. its all fading away into a dull black, a delicate black, a crumpled black.

I can't do anything right. my opponant at the tournament was slow, he was less skilled than i was and definately less stronger. but my body wouldn't move right i wanted to win at least that match, to give the spectaters a show but instead i lost. now of coarse we could go on about the judging of the event but that was not the case it was a case of me losing and losing badly.

I havent been able to work recently, not well at least, i clock out either too early because im tired, or too late because i lose track of time. i didn't even finish the vents today and.. ******** i forgat the godamned fryer.

today i blew up at sean about his drinking and smoking at jens house, i dont know what the big deal is even i was just so pissed and wouldn't stop yelling at him. i'm sill pissed at him and i dont know why. at least i know why im pissed at myself.

depressed? maybe, maybe not. i don't know the dictionary definition or anything commercials often say that it is caused by an imbalance of chemicals betwween recepter A and B. well thats great exept im pretty sure if i was a recepter i would have had a better name than A or B. i would at least be named fred.

i dont intentionaly skip meals. i just forget them and when i do eat im never hungery enough to finish a meal. i dont cut myself although if i do get a nick or scrap i wont hesitate to ingore the bandid box. tired is almost the word to describe my state of being if only it were true. ive been able to function on three hours of sleep for years but now im alwys dragging a**.

ok perhaps i am just whining and bitching but this is a journal and hat is what they are for. anyone who thinks they are clever by pointing out that i am just whining will only gain the respect of my middle finger. those who are worried about me have nothing to worrie about because life is... great. i have all the freinds i want and the girl of my dreams. perhaps this newfound self hatred is caused by my perfect situation.

peace out niggers. and if the N word offends you then you might be surprised to learn that they use it too.