Dammit! What am I doing wrong?! I hate myself! I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! Everything I do, I mess up! I try to become part of the family-it fails. I try to find the real me-nada. I try to do anything, and it collapses around my ears! I can't do anything! Anything!
My mother says I'm becoming a 'Village Kid', a disrespectful, foul-mouthed, snot-nosed, smart-a**, degenerate idiot of a substance-addicted whore. Never mind that I'm a virgin, never mind that I don't do drugs, never mind that I don't drink! Nooooo, I'm just a black-hearted PUNK! Someone who doesn't give a damn about the people around me, who doesn't care that I might hurt someone as long as I don't have to do anything! As long as everything is done MY way! No, I don't give a damn about anything but ME!
Dammit, Mom, I'm only human! I'm just some useless, worthless, hopeless, pathetic misfit of a broken teen! I can't be what you want me to be...No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do, I'm never good enough for you. Never. Hell, I'm not even good enough for my friends...Only Tristan, Acacia, and Kim seem to really care anymore. Everyone else is just leaving me behind. Even my Village friends. Maybe I'm meant to be alone, eh? Maybe I'm not supposed to interact with other people.
I'm only human, Mom...I can't be what you envision me as. God knows I want to be what you want...God knows I've tried. And He also knows I've failed, every single time. I can't do it, Mom. I'm just not that kind of creature. Maybe you should have drowned me at birht, or put me up for adoption, or just ingnored me that night, and never have taken me to the hospital to get help. You'd be so much better off with out me...Wouldn't you, Mom? Then you'd have your perfect family, with Ian, the perfect kid on the way to greatness, and Sarah, the kid on the way to perfection. But what do have instead? You've got them, and then...Me. But what do I have to offer to the family except grief and hardship? Darkness, sadness, pain? Disappointment, and shame? What do I have to give that Ian and Sarah haven't already? What can I possibly give that will show you I'm special in my own way?
Sometimes, I wish I was more than human. That I was perfect. Then no one could leave me behind, or forget or replace me. Then you'd be proud of me. Than I could actually be good for something worthwhile, be worth the effort it takes to think about me.
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A Secret Place Just For Me
A place for me to put down my thoughts and feelings. A piece of cyber-space to call my own. A place where I can unfetter my soul and watch it soar.
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storm_sorceresss Community Member 
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Aloysia
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User Comments: [3] [add]
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My advice, show this journal entry to your mom. She needs to know how you're feeling.
And if you ever say you're not worth the effort to think about again, I may be forced to sing at you until beating me down cheers you up. Never, ever think you're worthless. My life would be a whole lot darker without a surrogate sister like you, so don't you dare make me bust out Tensaiga!