My father was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me throughout my life. When I was young, he described rape and torture to me in great detail. I knew about things like forcible sodomy was before I knew where babies came from, and sex/reproduction was formally explained to me by my mother in first grade. I was never allowed to tell my father not to touch me (although he never to my knowledge did anything like have sex with me). If I tried to tell him that he was doing something that was uncomfortable to me (like him having us sit on his bed when he was in his underwear while he sucked on my ear) he threw a fit three ways into the next century. As I got older, he tried to insert himself into my sexuality by doing things like trying to make me tell him my sexual fantasies. He would asked me about what I fantasized about, and when I was evasive he would prompt me with questions like, "Do you fantasize about rape or having sex with animals?" and when I said no (which I would have told him even if I'd been having fantasies about animals raping me--which I wasn't--because I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him) he went off about how that was good because fantasizing about rape caused real rape and thinking about animals that way was dirty.
Such was my relationship with my father. Physical touch is still an iffy thing with me, although I'm still working on it. I worry sometimes that I'll never be able to be intimate with someone, but that's probably not rational. But I do worry about trying to be in a romantic relationship when I have all this sexual baggage. But I guess I'll deal with that when it comes up.
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ShadowIce
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