Tonight, I decided to use some hamburger that I had frozen almost two months ago, I had frozen it inside a seal-able bag. When I took it out, I remembered that the packaging hadn't been fully sealed.
I let the meat defrost and I throw it in the pan. Upon breaking the ground beef up, I noticed that there were an awful lot of little black specs inside. I'm a college student with no money, so even though the smart thing to do would've been to chuck a pound of meat, I decided instead to go ahead and cook it into the dish I was making.
I had already accepted the fact that my body wasn't going to be too thrilled, but it might also help build up my immune system. So I ended up chowing down. That was a few hours ago.
[I'm describing bodily functions, anyone who cares not to read can gladly skip ahead]
The first thing I noticed is that my dish was producing (burping) gas almost instantly and my stomach isn't exactly feeling the best right now. If I lay down I'm fine, but I can't stand too quickly. I don't feel like I'll throw up in the middle of the night, but my stools will not be pleasant. I also have the senation that there is sand in my throat.
[Okay, I'm done now]
I'm kind of mad I bought that meat, I remember that the package wasn't fully sealed and God only knows what got in there while sitting in the Super Market cooler.
I almost wonder if I am seeking my own death on some level. With all that's happened in the last 3 months, I haven't exactly been optimistic. My family actually has a history of depression. And I would be lying if I didn't feel completely shut down. I'm not suicidal, though. I refuse to take my own life, but I have asked God to take my life several times in my life.
But now tonight, I wonder if I am just trying to provoke... somebody. Myself, maybe? Maybe God? I just don't know. I even don't know why I am writing all of this. I guess I just need to vent somewhere. I love my family, but sometimes I get the feeling that they don't listen. After they hear the shocking stuff, they'll be concerned about my body. They won't listen to how I feel about things. People hold things in for different reasons. I don't know why I did it as a child, but now there is just... so much material now that I don't even know half of it anymore, just how it affected me.
It's all a cycle to me now, no beginning, no end. There literally is no place to start.
 Guard23 · Wed Aug 22, 2007 @ 08:50am · 3 Comments |
