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My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. Don't remember much of my father and Mom together. It wasn't a bad split, according to my Mom, no nasty divorce type bullshit or any of that stuff. My father never asked for custody or visitation rights. My parents just kind of came to agreement that he could visit me whenever he wanted as long as he called ahead a few days in advance.
Until I turned 13, then they left the decision entirely to me.
He didn't visit often and eventually moved to Portland with his new wife and son.
Before my thirteenth birthday he called and asked me if he could come up and see me at the party. I didn't know what to say except that I would think about it. Mom advised me that I should let him come, that he'd say hello, give me a present that I'd hate, he'd have some cake and then leave. I didn't want him to come but said yes anyway.
Big mistake. He came and tried to insert himself into the whole proceedings as if he were my full time dad. It was a disaster. He hijacked the whole party and at the end of it I was in my room, alone, crying.
Mom had a talk with him.
I let him visit once more since then and it was okay. We went to the aquarium and then ice cream and walked along a waterfront park.
I've visited him twice, mostly at the insistence of Mom. Visited him down in Portland- well, Gresham, a suburb of Portland.
It was so boring.
He's got a big house and lots of toys for his boy, my step-brother, I guess. Trampolene, arcade games, those stupid mini-bikes and whatnot. Mom says he's just trying to give his son the life he never had.
His wife is horrible. I mean, she's nice and tries to be friendly but she does it in such an underhanded way. Like, she always tries to insert herself between me and my mom. Trying to prove she's better than my Mom in some way. It makes me and my father uncomfortable, about the only thing I have in common with him. She's blond, my Mom and I both have black hair. She's into sports, my Mom and I would both rather read a book. She cooks and cleans and plays the dutiful housewife, my Mom has a career and cleans when she can, cooks when she can but isn't above takeout and shoving things into a closet.
My step-brother is a spoiled brat who only bothers to pull himself away from his gameboy long enough to shovel food into his face. He isn't good at school and actively shies away from learning anything other than video games, guns, hot rods and porn.
Any time I am alone with him he bullies me.
So, today after I got home from school I get a call. It's my father. He wants me to come down this weekend because he's hosting a barbeque for his employees- he owns some sort of business, I never ask and don't really care. He said that he finally got his pool installed and that blah, blah, blah.
Mom was standing nearby and I could tell that she wanted me to say yes. Because she fears I don't have enough male role models or something. Maybe she just wants me to have some connection to my father.
It's weird, I look at my Mom and my father and I see two completely different people. How did they get married and then decide to have me and then just as quickly separate? Mom is pretty vauge on the details saying only that people get together for strange reasons and then grow apart for equally strange reasons.
I told my father that I think about it and tell him on Wednesday.
I don't want to go down there but a part of me tells me I should, if just to be seen by my father and show him how much I've grown up.
But I hate it down there. I'd much rather stay here with Mom and my friend Shannon and my other friends. Everyone down in my father's world seems to hate me.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I don't know.
Some of my friends at school don't have fathers. Maybe I should feel lucky.
But I don't. I feel burdened.
Sigh...
madsylane · Tue Sep 11, 2007 @ 08:51am · 2 Comments |
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