Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

As usual, I did not sleep. Which made the start of today hellish to say the very least. Mom refused to shower, which was easier for me, though I don't approve. I did get my shopping done in record time, though we are overextended financially. Who isn't this time of year, that doesn't mean I don't resent it.

I didn't get to make fudge for the family because I didn't have time. That's fine. They don't deserve my fudge.

But Christmas Eve at Sharon's could have been much worse. JC was much warmer towards me... though it still rips my heart inside out to see him. Jason was there. Brit was... not what I expected. She did not say much to me, but she kept watching me when she didn't think I was looking. Who knows what goes through that child's mind. Nothing was said of Michelle... which is good, because I don't think I could have taken it. Brit is going to see her tomorrow. It is funny the things you remember. Brit HATED going up to Hayfork for holidays to see her father and grandparents. She is still stuck doing it, only now she'll be seeing her mother too. That woman shouldn't be anywhere near them, but it does not sound like she is getting to see JC at least. That is good.

And as ******** up as the situation is... he's my kid and everyone knows it. He hates it when his food touches. He loves Peppermint Ice Cream with chocolate sauce. So many of his habits and mannerisms are mine. I had him from 1 1/2 to just over 3... the most formative years. Even the people who blocked my keeping him away from his mother can look now and see how much influence I had. And yet we are like strangers and it breaks my heart and it is so much easier for me to just... not. Just not to see him, just not to think about it. There is nothing I can do. It is long past. But still... while it was painful, it could have been worse. At least I know today will be better.