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I sit I wait
I stalk the room like I'm a hungry tiger.
No. Like a kitten.
With only strength enough in me to not cry out,
To shut my mouth against the loneliness that struggles to break through...
..With every flutter of my slowly beating heart.

I wish my life could change.
I wish that I could change, that I could feel like real people feel.
'Cause I'm not real.
I'm fake.
And I don't feel.
And fear grips me when something happens'
Something that makes those...real...people... cry...
While I just stare, frozen in time, unfeeling...
My heart seems covered by a layer of ice so thick...
That nothing can break through.
Except my own concerns, the hurts my spirit feels...
Because those hurts originate within my heart and do not have to break through ice that binds me.

I can be lonely.
I can be in love though I am not in love, but it is possible for me to feel this sweet emotion.
I can feel lust.
Be hurt when someone hurts me.
Be sad, or cry, or tremble with unspoken fear.

But empathy eludes me.
It seems my heart is blind to plights of others.
I'm selfish, cold, and distant.
I cannot feel unless the hurt comes from within me.
Unless the issue others cry about is my concern somehow, or is connected to me.

And so I walk the earth.
I'm blank. I'm fake.
Unreal.

That's why I stay away.
That's why I never show my love toward a friend unless they show it first.
Because they should beware.
Yes, I will stand by them through thick and thin.
I'll always offer them a listening ear, and care immensely, try to help.
But all throughout... I will not feel.
I'll feel concern for them, but not their issues.
They'll have a place within my heart, but, no, their issues won't.
Because their issues don't concern me.
And while I'll listen, be attentive, want to help and try...
I will not do it 'cause the issue strikes a chord in me.
I'll do it 'cause I care for the friend, not for the problem.

So if you want your friends to feel your pain...
Then stay away.
I'm not the one for you.
I'll hear your pain and try to help, but never feel.
And though I love and cherish you, I'm still...unreal.

So stay away. I beg you.
If this upsets you, then get out, right now, before I make a place for you within my heart.
For when I do...as I have done for some...
..I'll deeply care for you.
Though I will never feel your pain,
I'll hurt if you decide to leave my life, and cry,
And still more ice will bind the coldness of my heart,
To leave the wish of being real just that... a dream.

And so I beg in contradictory pleas.
Please...stay away...Or stay...
Don't leave me, please, or leave before it hurts too much.

Though at the end, the 'please leave' plea is false...
..Escapes my lips to spare you the hurt of seeing the fake human that I am when it's too late.
While really my whole heart screams, stay, don't leave me, please!
Please treat me like I'm real, like I can feel if you need me to feel...
Don't care that I'm a fake...
Still know I'm human, please...
Please stay...
Don't leave me...

Stay...

I beg you...

Please