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Here lately I keep getting this feeling of absolute sadness and fear about what direction that I'm going to take. I know that I'm not happy right now, and that I know that this isn't going to work out. They're both so sweet and kind to me, and I do care for them deeply, but I don't think that I'll be able to divide my attention equally between the two. I've been trying but it's starting to wear me down already. Whenever I brokeup with will, my full intentions were just to have friends, no serious relationships. I guess that I just wanted to be free, and alone.

In my past relationships, until Will, I gave that person everything physically that I could give. Even if I didn't want to I would give it to them because I was afraid that if I didn't then they would leave me. I would let them really hurt me and not stop them or say no because it would bring them pleasure. Now after all the s**t that I've been through I really don't need sex anymore. Yes I still enjoy it when I'm having it, but often I just feel like s**t afterwards, or I don't feel emotionally fullfilled. Also I promised myself that I would never be someone's plaything ever again.

I really don't like sleeping with other people very much because of my nightmares that I have. When people even sleep in the same room as me, they rarely get anysleep and it makes me feel bad because I know that it's my fault. Then I get stressed from that and it just gets worse.

I'm usually the person that tells others that when they get out of a relationship that they need time to become stronger and to learn to love themselves by themselves. But I can never take my own advice. I want to learn to be able to accept myself with out anyone else helping me. I need to learn how to accept who I am with out anyone else's assurance.