Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I've come the closest to strangling AK I than have in a long time lately. Okay, not really. I could never consider that. You know, because strangling AK would only result in MY death. I'm not that stupid. I seem to be only person who thinks so lately though. This whole I still kind of like Kylie and Kylie still likes me thing has gotten out of control. It's not like we've REALLY acted on it.
Since I can feel AK's glare upon that last sentence I'll revise. It's not like we're actually together.
Since I can hear Charlie's scoff upon that last sentence, I'll revise.
It's complicated, okay?!
I know, there probably should be some kind of official thing. Kylie and I can't stay in relationship limbo forever. Every time Kylie brings it up I put it off. At first it was to make sure that there could be some kind of hope that it could even work between us. I actually think it can. Then it was to make sure that there can be any kind of trust anymore. It may be stupid, but yeah. I don't think Kylie is the kind of girl to make the same mistake twice. So now the big thing standing in the way is...well AK.
I KNOW AK SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE! I KNOW! BUT YOU AREN'T THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS TO DEAL WITH HER VOICE IN YOUR HEAD! Yes...AK's a mind ninja. This surprises anyone? Leave me alone...
That being said...Kylie would kill me for that being said. She's all "Ashley isn't your mother, Denver. You can make your decisions for yourself, Denver."
Even AK says something along the same lines. After she gets a few Kylie bashings out she normally follows up with a "...but you shouldn't let me influence you. It's your life. You can ******** it up all by yourself."
AK's opinion of Kylie is well known to the whole world at this point. I hoped against all hope that AK could lessen her extreme loathing for Ky, and she has. Or at least she got slightly less vocal about it. It's just that whenever I see AK now there's all this tension with us. She's right on the edge of an exploding rant. I DO NOT want that baby to go boom because when it does I'm going to get all defensive again and go on my own angry spew and...Well history proves that AK and I just cannot get that mad at each other. Ever. It's actually occurred to me that if we waited to make up much longer last time that AK probably would have moved to California and I wouldn't have heard about it until either Charlie or Kris was on speaking terms with me again and by that time I probably would have just figured on never seeing her again.
Yes, I realize comparing the two situations is kind of ridiculous, but the point is bad things happen when AK and I blow up at each other. I don't want to risk that for anything.
So I'm stuck with I definitely REALLY like Kylie, I think it maybe could work, I think I can trust her, but there's no way I want risk my relationship with AK especially with one "I think" too many. Okay, so Kylie obviously has a reason to be jealous of AK if 11 out of 10 times I will pick AK over her, just not in the way she's typically most jealous of.
AK would never tell me to pick though. AK says I'm not risking anything but her opinion of my already questionable intellect. Although I'm pretty sure I'm risking mine and Kylie's lives sometimes.
That's probably the closest thing to a go-ahead I will ever get from AK. Only it's really obvious that this is driving AK crazy. I keep telling her not to stress about it and just let me do what I'm going to do, but since when has AK ever been able to relax about anything? I mean, she's been dating Michael for forever and the guy does everything right and she's still paranoid the world is going to implode on her. Therefore me having what is clearly a longshot relationship with Kylie is clearly the definition of insanity with an impending hell on earth ending that will destruction of us all.
I don't know want I want from AK. Her clear permission? She will never say the words, "No, I don't have a problem with you dating Kylie, Denver. You should totally go for it." Am I waiting for her to be more okay with it? Because I think the whole AK hates Kylie but loves me so she'll bash Ky at every chance and just apologize to me later and follow up with a lecture is the closest I'll ever get.
If I don't figure out some way to be okay with AK not being okay, I should just tell Kylie as soon as hell freezes over, we should totally get together.
AK's cheering her approval in my head now. Great. You know, if I didn't already do the whole therapy gig, I would totally try to evict that damn mind ninja.