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I still wear your chain around my neck cause it's the only thing that locks the voices in my head. It separates the anger and confusion like a river dividing the land. The cold metal on my bare skin calms my nerves and helps me to feel weighted to earth, so I won't drift away and never come back. It's the one thing that I have of you to remind myself of how you once said goodbye, but came back almost as soon as I had gotten you off of my mind. I used to wear it to try and show you how I felt, but I guess you never caught on. Now I wear it to remind myself of how much that hurt, watching you go off with someone else whilst I waited on the sidelines, always ending up by your side but never AT your side. It cautions me to be careful, to try my best not to love you, though if I didn't love you, then why the hell would I be wearing your chain? I guess I'm simply destined to stay where I've always been; on the sidelines, waiting for what I already know will not come. I know this, and everytime I remember this fact I ponder: is this the definition of a hopeless romantic? Or merely the tragic lifestory of another teen? Is there some kind of glitch in my head, one that everyone but me can see, as if a billboard were posted over my head? Am I fooling myself again into thinking that things might change? Am I doing the right thing by trying to keep my distance? Cause it doesn't work; no matter how hard I try to stay away, I always end up close to you, as if you're some kind of north pole of a magnet, and I'm the only other north in a sea of souths. Why do I do this to myself? I toss and turn at night asking me all of these questions and slapping myself in the face for it. I argue with different, foreign voices in my head, sometimes out loud, and I can feel myself venturing near insanity. How am I supposed to end this? Do I break my ties with you? Force us to go different ways entirely and never see or talk to each other again? No, that can't be it; that would hurt too much! And it wouldn't just hurt me, it would hurt you, and the last thing I need to see is your face in pain. That's my worst nightmare, seeing you in pain. It destroys my heart and conquers my mind, and the only thing I want is to comfort you, take care of you, hold you, be with you....
But it'll never happen, and I need to accept that. I know that I need to accept it, but I can't. And I can't accept it because you make it so difficult to breathe without you, whether you know it or not. At first, when I was around you, it was natural, like breathing in and out. Now, because of the nightmares and images of you I've tormented myself with, everything is awkward around you. You're at ease, but I wonder fi you notice? Do you see the way I back myself into a wall trying to stay away? Or how my fingernails slice open my palm from squeezing my fists too hard again, trying my hardest not to think of you? And I wonder if you can see how when we embrace, I'm shaking, trying not to get carried away, reminding myself that you're not and never will be mine. Can you see how much it hurts me to have to do all this, to try my best to keep away from personal contact?
Do I really want you to notice? Of course not, I'm too afraid of losing you, and surly if you knew all this you'd avoid me for the rest of time. Surly you'd turn your back and never glance behind. Surly you'd say that one word that I can't bare to think around you, because it sends a rumbling crack through the dam I've built over my tear ducts. I'm too afraid to lose you, too afraid to say goodbye....
But I guess that's why I'm writing it down, so I won't blurt it all out in front of you, slapping myself in the face. At least I can pretend to say these words to you, in the stillness of my room, and I can translate what I think your responses might be through the dizzying variety of voices. I can't mae you understand this; hell, I can't even think about talking to you about it! And I just can't answer honestly when you ask me what's wrong...But I can try.