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The whole dialogue here just felt a little forced to me, and the Mary Sue fears are back and bigger than ever. To introduce a new character in an established canon is one thing, but you have to remember not to take it too far. To me, Ocelot sounds a whole lot better than she has any right to be.

And, on a very strange and very picky note, I think you use a certain sentence structure too much. The comma-followed-by-a-phrase-with-an-"ing"-verb, if you know what I mean. Like "She stood and turned, her duster floating around her body like a cape." Nothing wrong with it in itself, but it feels lame and repetitive after so many times.

My own preferences put aside, though, you still kick butt. I certainly look forward to the next chapter.

I don't understand why Raiden's face was blank when he first started talking. Wouldn't he be..fighting back emotions or something of the sort? But I could be wrong o.o;
And during the next bit--he kind of mentioned 'Ocelot' too many times. Breaking the paragraph up a bit might fix it.

Other than that..great job =D It may be because I don't know anything about Metal Gear Solid, but..I wonder where Ocelot's going? And why is Raiden saying that they're going to kill him?

I also really like some bits of Raiden's little speech. Like around the 'We got lucky finding you, Ocelot...' part. And yeah, I'm done now >.>;; Can't wait for the next part!