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I have alot of schizophrenic internal conversations with myself about what I ought to be doing in my life. One minute I feel everything is okay, and the next I start feeling an anxiety attack coming on. It's hard!

I am living 800 miles away from my nearest relative (2000 from the majority of them), so I can work and make a living AND take care of the people in my life that I *have a legal obligation to* and *care about enough to want to*. I just looked at my paystub and noticed I have paid almost $3000 in child support so far this year, which I wouldn't mind if it wasn't all going to the government when only a little is actually getting to where it's supposed to. The welfare department gets all their money while they send my ex a measly $24 to take care of my daughter with (he's unemployed looking for a job, has applied for help but it takes like a month and a half to get approved). Sad thing is that if he were a drug addict, they'd be swooping in to help him. So my daughter is staying with other people (thankfully they are people I know and trust and respect!!). But, when you're a preteen all you want is your own space and some normalcy in your life. And since I'm paying all this money out AND trying a keep a roof over my own head (I just got a second job to try and speed up the progress), there is nothing left over to do things I want to, such as fly out and visit, send gifts, and make things even better for those people I give a crap about.

The good thing that happened was that the people who had guardianship over my son moved out of state and there is no longer a welfare check going out, and I'm just paying the arrears from the time they were doing court to figure out how much I should pay. Hey, I only owe $926 right now! Unfortunately, the regular payment that is set aside for my daughter (is taken out of my check specifically FOR THAT PURPOSE) was given all to the welfare department for arrears, which would be fine if my daughters was getting paid first. AARRGGHH, very frustrating! So now not only do I have interest for the arrears for my son, I am racking up a huge bill for my daughter as well because she's not getting paid! I am going to have to find out what the hell is going on here. By tax time I want this bullshit paid off, because I'd like to get something back instead of them taking every last penny that I have.

I am thinking that maybe we should see about an arrangement so that child support people are not involved, because they are screwing everything up.